Seer

Who would've thought my last post would be so prophetic.

Ah well. I am ready now. The past shall no longer haunt me, for they were never my sins to bear.

The Value of Friendships.

Sometimes it baffles me what a walking contradiction i am. I've always placed an extremely high importance on friendship, but i've also considered myself to be a bit of an 'alone person'. No, not a loner per se. But not one who is easily defined by my friends or the group of people i am with. I'm comfortable being alone most of the time. I guess I've always been my own person, but maybe this has sometimes been to my detriment.

But i'm swerving off tangent now.

The reason i'm writing this is because my faith in friendships has taken a toll. Not because of betrayal or the ilk, but rather on it's boundaries. Where does one draw the line on how far to go for a friend? Where does one draw the line on how much you should care about a friend? I've always been fiercely loyal to those i consider close friends, but sometimes this loyalty was declared 'unneeded' and 'uncalled for'. You would've thought that friendship would be one of the most simple empathetic relation mankind has, but it gets more complicated because there are more lines.

And where does plain friendship end? When does it become something more, or something less? I've always had the problem of changing labels. If you're a friend, thats it, you'll never be anything more. I don't allow a lessening of stature, but it happens, whether i like it or not. I fight to keep it, but sometimes it's just not mine to keep.

So. Friendship. Where does that leave me?

LACKadaisical

Two nights on campus. Back home now.

And still damn lazy.

The laptop's charger now fixed. So i have just run out excuses not to do the Juris assignment. But now there's also plenty of excuses to be made up to catch up on the latest episodes of GG/OTH/HIMYM/BBT (yes, we TV geeks have acronyms).

Siiggggh!

Part of me can't wait till debate training starts. Cause then it'll just be a few days closer towards Thailand. But part of me is worried and wants more time to finish up all my work before the due date so that i can relax during training. Ok, maybe relax isn't the right word. Training can get rather intense, especially around Royals time. The whole day is just training and more training (yes, even at night), and we all stay together. Nuts. Boot camp, anyone?

Ah well. C'est La Vie.

Power to the people
We don't want it
We want pleasure
And the T.V.s try to rape us
And I guess that they're succeeding

-Regina Spektor, Hero.

Dollhouse.

I really suck at saving money. I am absolutely horrible at having a budget and sticking to it.

Went to Times Square last Sunday with Peng Le and Grace. Peng was gonna treat us to Papa John's pizza cause she passed all her accounting papers. Now, most people would go, 'Hey, shouldn't the friends treat?'

But in this case, i made a BET with her. You see, Peng has a long history since high school of over-stressing out herself before the exams and lamenting how's she gonna fail. Except she never does. So, for the 2nd time in history (the first was back in Form 5), i made a bet with her. And i won! It was win-win anyways :)

So. I thought, besides parking, i don't have to spend money right?Right? WRONG!

The thing about Times Square, is that there's a lot of cheap crap. And the thing about me and cheap crap is, i think i'm not spending money. So i ended up buying 2 tank tops and a superr cute halter pinstripe vest. Mwhahhaha!

So that means. I need to scrimp again. Eff.


Taken at Times Square. Pre-splurge.

But on the bright side, i'm starting a more permanent part-time position next month. Here's hoping the job doesn't kill me. And i don't waste my money- again!

Um..

So.. maybe i'm just a taaad bit picky.

But since now i'm ready to tame the whirlwind, shouldn't i be allowed to be just a little discerning? =)

Overused.

I'll make it up to you

I am seriously hating this phrase right now. It's just been used as an attempt to placate me, but what annoys me is the fact that it's been used time and time again by people in my life and they never deliver.

I've never used the phrase. I make solid promises. Well, i try my very best not to dissapoint in the first place. Because really, dissapointment comes from giving expectation, and it's not fair for anyone to nurture or give hope for something he can't deliver. And if you can't deliver, don't make another promise you can't deliver!

Yes. So that's why i hate that phrase. People forget.

As a side note. I find it incredibly ironic that two people dislike each other, even without meeting each other, yet share two major things in common.

1. They both care about me
2. They both have hurt me

Ain't life grand?...

Skinny jeans and the ilk.

You know how people always say 'embrace your curves'. How the opposite sex like women with a little bit of flesh on 'em and not stick figures?

I think it's one big lie.

Cause (and no offense meant here) it's the skinny stick thin girls that end up getting (multiple) guys lining up for 'em. I know some of them don't choose to be skinny just as much as curvy girls don't choose to be curvy, but the fact still stands that the world tilts more towards em. Especially fashion trends. It really, really annoys me when i see girls wearing skinny jeans, and looking good in them, when i have to wear bootcut cuz i'm 'curvy'. It SUCKS.

Ah well. Wishing the fashion world would tilt towards the curvy would be like wishing Bush would be tried for war crimes. Not gonna happen.

I'm gonna work on my Jurisprudence assignment now. Ironically, it's on justice. LOL.

Ha. Ha?

Question: Why is your blog so serious and angsty? You're a really funny person in real life...

Answer: Errr...

Me thinks i've been using this blog as a venting site a weee bit too much. Reading back all the posts makes me sound like an angsty 16 year old child. And boy, i was angsty at 16. Didn't actually slit my wrists or anything like that, but it was bad enough.

So, i think the best way to minimise this is- no, not posting a joke a day-but, to blog more often. Because i really am not upset on a daily basis ya know. There are more good days than bad, i'd like to think.

I'm just scared i'll find something bad to blog about regardless.

Four more back at me.

Sometimes, all you need is a soul-searching conversation to change your perspective on things.

And now, i've realised, maybe it was my fault.

I might have lost what i wanted because i never showed that i wanted it. I never indicated that i cared enough, that i wanted this bad enough that i would fight for it. Because i always give up. I always try to protect myself till the extent that i don't take risks. I become selfish.

Cause really, i did care. I did want this. Maybe you did too, and all i did was push you away.

I'm sorry. I really am. I guess we could have been something. Something good. But i wish you all the happiness in the world with the one you've chosen. And someday maybe, i'll get the same kind of happiness, when i'm ready to stop being selfish.

This Week's Top 5

Reza's blog occasionally has Reza's top 5, or 10 of stuff he likes. I thought i'd update on the Top 5 songs i'm currently into, harkening back to my days as a music critic. They are (in no particular order):

1. Just Jack- Embers

A lot of the non-mainstream music i listen to comes from my habit of picking up songs from TV shows. Gossip Girl is one of my faves for that. This song opened and closed episode 2 of the new season, and i just had to get my hands on it. I love when violins mix with modern beats, like the theme for Mad Men (R2J2's A Beautiful Mine), and as much as the guy doesn't really have the vocal pipes, the song itself is wicked, especially when the guitars kick in the second half. Addictive

2. Unkle Bob- One by One
Another song i picked up from a TV show. This time, it was CSI: Miami. I can't remember the episode, but it closed with this song and i jumped online to search for it. They're a little known band from the UK, and the rest of their stuff is pretty good too. Its interesting how they have a very post-90s American sound, emphasized by the use of the banjo in some of their songs. This one remains my favourite for it's haunting melody and melancholic lyrics.

3. Paramore- Decode
Two reasons why this song is only registering on my radar now. First, i've never been too impressed with Paramore, and with all the hype surrounding them, that acted as a total turnoff. Secondly, it's the soundtrack for Twlight, one of the most insipid movies i've ever paid to watch. But the song is pretty rockin', and as much as people dislike the acoustic version, i like that one too.


4. Rob Thomas- Her Diamonds
I've loved Rob forever. Ever since my primary school days (yes, thats how long it's been), his music with Matchboxtwenty has been extremely influential in my music. I'm so glad he's gotten back to writing songs that sound more like his music with Matchboxtwenty in his solo effort this time. This song is heartbreaking as he opens up about his wife Marisol's struggle with Lupus. The man can do no wrong in my book.

5.Rachael Yamagata featuring Ray LaMontagne- Duet
Discovering Rachael Yamagata's music was like discovering a diamond in the rough. She posseses a deep, quiet voice, and writes music that's deep and moving. Elephants, the first single from the album is a dramatic song, but Duet is a quiet song that is one you hum to on a rainy day. Ray Lamontagne doesn't add much to the song, but provides a nice canvass for Rachael to shine.

Don't blame me

... for being cynical. Like the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on me then. Twice fooled. I'd have thought i'd be smarter than to make the same mistake, again. Well, good on you then, for being so good that i trusted you. That i let my guard down.

... for not getting people like you. Your thought process. Your conscience. And the fact that you complain about the problems that you freakin cause. Seriously. Why can't you see that you cause them yourself?

... for starting to lose my belief in karma. I'd like to think i've been a good girl. I'd like to believe that seeing the good in people, and giving them the benefit of the doubt is a good way of living life. Apparently not. Apparently, the selfish ones are the ones that get ahead in life. Look out for yourself, regardless of who you hurt, and you'll be alright. Heck, you'll be fuckin fantastic.

... for giving up.

I don't belong here.

Colin: An oddity. I like that. Maybe I'll start referring to you as the oddity. Better than the hooker references*
Me : I always liked the term quirky better than oddity. Oddity makes me sound like a freak.
Colin: Quirky sounds nerdy though. You have a silliness quality about you that subverts nerdiness.
Me: I think quirky is nerdy too, but like in a cute way. And i'm not sure if being called silly is a compliment :p
Colin: Yeah. I'm not sure either

(excerpts of email conversations between Colin Stewart and myself)

I've just read a book review of a teenaged author who wrote about... well, teenagers. She said something about how teenagers are always struggling to fit in. To find themselves.

I don't think the struggle ends when you leave high school. I don't think it even ends at the end of your teenage years. I know i'm still sufferring from the above syndrome. Four years past high school, and two years into adulthood, and i'm still finding myself an oddity amongst the common. I've never been much to complain about it though. The label 'weird' has never bothered me much. I suppose that in itself makes me weird enough for the masses.

Yet, being different also leads to being alone. The chances of meeting people who either tolerate or find you fun is hard enough. Try finding someone who likes your weirdness. Chances? Next to zilch. And when you actually do, the usual trappings of relationships will come and mess things up.

So you end up where you began. Alone.

Best described by Radiohead's brilliant Freak. Enjoy.



*Hooker reference= Colin's way of saying that i'm a precious commodity that shouldn't sell herself short to any boy just cause i'm bored.

Badass!

There is a monkey in my backyard. No Colin, i'm not kidding. No Liz, you can't adopt it.

The monkey was raping the neighbourhood stray cats. I've never been fond of those cats. Ever. In fact, those cats have made me absolutely hate cats. But being raped like that... it's kinda hard not to feel sorry for those cats. The scariest thing was, a day after i came home, there was a carcass of a cat outside the window of my bathroom. It stank to high heavens, but it was obvious it had been murdered, and the cat had been hanging on to dear life to the pipes outside the window.

Stomach-roiling sickness.

So when i saw it today, that damn monkey staring at me whilst i was cooking, i gave it the finger first. Stop laughing, that was just my first reaction. I started then looking threateningly at it. As i moved closer, disregarding my own safety (cue dramatic Jaws music), i shouted at it. And it jumped away.

It returned shortly, absolutely curious with me now. But every time i went near he ran away, scared. Fear in his eyes. I asked my mom if it was scared of anyone. 'Only your dad', she said.

But now the monkey was also scared of me. ME. HAH! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID MONKEY!

(the point of the story: nothing really)

Yes. No. Um. Ah..?

Things i'm looking forward to in the next few months

1. Asian BP in Bangkok, Thailand

2. Recording

3. Deepavali

4. Study break

5. WUPID

6. Royals

Things i'm NOT looking forward to...

1. French finals

2. Project paper/thesis

3. Juris and PIL assignment

4. Debate training/ not having a holiday

5. Royals

Fullstop.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not give a damn.

I've gotten my closure. I'm not gonna add new drama. What would be the point?

My friends find it amusing that there's always some form of drama in my life. One of my besties Mirul would always start a catch-up conversation with the phrase "So what's the new drama?". And as much as i'd love to, my life doesn't disappoint.

Sorry Mirul, but i'm gonna try to stay out of it this time. I think i haven't put in much effort to be ordinary. I've always detested that word, but i'm gonna try to be vanilla from now on.

Collision.

People who know me best, know that i have a very low tolerance level for people who generally act indecisive, bimbotic (yes, fully aware of the non-existence of the word), imprudently, ingratefully and basically stupidly. I suppose one of the easiest way to tick me off is to behave in such a manner in front of me and you'll see me huffing and puffing.

But what irritates me more than that is when i fall into the same trap.


For example. It's 12.57a.m. I cannot sleep, eventhough i full well know that i have a full day tomorrow that begins at 9a.m. I'm a light sleeper and take quite a long time to fall asleep so i should just turn in now. But here i am.

What i am most irritated with right now though is the awful habit i have of being easily caught up with the smallest thing. I have the ability to obsess over something very quickly, and very furiously. I get so caught up, letting my emotions dictate my actions, and dropping the ball in the game. It sucks.

It sucks cause it's just not worth it. It sucks cause if i could just control myself, i'd probably be playing a better game and getting the results that i want. It sucks cause i become someone else. Someone i don't want to be, someone that even i'm disgusted with. It sucks because i can't help but make an effort when i want something.

And i want this. I'm not even sure why. It sure doesn't look good for me. But the one that does look good for me, the one that i actually have right in my palm, isn't even half as appetising. Kinda like veggies, really.

I have choices to make. Maybe not right now. But soon. And the way i'm behaving right now, i'm just so afraid i'll make the wrong ones. Dammit.

Scalpel, please.

I'm not sure if it was the combination of fasting and codeine, but Dima and I got high again. It was one of those legendary funny days where Dima and I just sat at a bench after class and laughed and acted silly.

After attempting to get started on our project papers (yay to my three paragraphs!), we headed to Shah Alam for ice kacang with Karth. Ron joined us and he made an amusing comment on how us girls were the law school version of Grey's Anatomy. I knew it was coming, but he said it anyway: that i was the Christina of the group.

I'm not sure why it should sound like an insult, but it feels like it is. Christina Yang's character isn't the one everyone likes. But she is the most successful one, being serious and deathly ambitious. I suppose i am not exactly dissimilar. I don't strive for popularity. Not in the regular sense at least. I'd rather be known for some skill than to be known for just being 'that really nice girl'. I won't say i'm deathly ambitious. I am somewhat ambitious, but i don't work as hard, or push myself the way Christina does. I believe i'm the kind of person who takes time out to smell the flowers. I don't spend my weekends in the law libary, though i sometimes i do spend my nights there. I maybe intimidating at times, but i swear i never do it knowingly. But i guess, the best part of Christina is how loyal she is to her friends, especially how she's always there for Meredith Grey. I hope that my friends think that of me, because i'd like to think that my friends can count on me for anything. Except changing their tyres of course. I'd call AAA for that =)

Besides, Christina gets left at the altar. But then, being soberly single is almost as bad now, isn't it?

Deeper.

Forgive me life, for i have sinned.

For the past few months, I've tried to deny and surpress the fact that i have emotions. Anything besides happiness and anger, i've denied myself from having. I've been living on two principles. First, that my life is adequate, so i need not create a fuss for every small drama in my life. Two, that i will seperate emotions from my daily decisions, and focus on rational thinking. I think i've been practicing the second principle for quite a huge chunk of my life, but somehow when it came to the important things, emotions always took control. So i decided to change.

And i've been doing fine. Or so i thought.

The turn of events of the past few days have unfortunately been a mess of emotions. The seams have been threatening to break free, and the emotional stronghold i've built is threatening to crumble. How appropriate that the trigger should be the same reason i wanted to be unemotional in the first place. I won't doubt that it's karma knocking on my door, but i really do believe that i've paid my dues. Far more than any pain that i've ever inflicted, intentionally or not.

Yes, i have ideals. Yes, i have principles. Yes, i know what i want. But does the world need to test me again and again?

I'm not sure i can keep holding on. I'm pretty close to giving it up completely. I'm close to giving all hope. And i really don't want to be that person. Bitter, cynical. Let that not be me.

I've decided that i won't stay and fight. I won't fight for something i'm not sure i want. I won't fight when i'm the only one who wants to. For once, i want somebody to fight for me. Because i'm worth it. I'd like to believe someday you'd see.

For now, i've got my shoes on. And i'm running away fast.

The Ancients.

That's what Yana calls us.

Basically, we're the friends who've known each other for the longest period of time. We met in primary school.
Left- right: Annur, Mirul, Myself and Yana


Last Sunday, we had our annual gathering of sorts. It wasn't my birthday this year (cause my birthday, as Mirul puts it, is THE event of the year for gathering up all of us lost folk), cause two of em couldn't make it. So, for Yana's birthday, i decided to round up the bunch.

It was such a hilarious walk down memory lane. We were crazy kids, and now we're crazier adults, albeit all of us have been able to pull off some semblance of adulthood. And pretty well at that. I'm pretty proud of this circle of friends. We've all achieved so much, and we're well on our way to becoming outstanding citizens.



I want to tell you a little about my friends, in no particular order.

First, there's Yana. This woman always gives me a guilt trip around her birthday. She doesn't have to say or do anything, but i feel guilt cause i either forget, or am not able to give her a present (she spent 3 years in Oz). But she somehow, someway, gets me a present for my birthday. I have this cross-stitch thingy on my wall that she made for my 21st. Yes, she is that awesome of a friend. She's incredibly brilliant too, being one of the top SPM scholars of the country (she never told me, i had to see it in the newspaper- that's how humble she is). But most of all, she's a quirky, funny, loyal and incredibly sweet person. And now she's a corporate be-yotch! Complete with a name card, haha.

Then there's Annur. My first bestfriend ever. We lost touch for a few years when she moved away, but through the wonders of the internet, we are now in touch. And boy, has she changed from a tomboy who used to run around in shorts and frizzy hair to the hawt young lady telling me to put on a dress! A doctor-in-training AND a marathon runner- please tell me how much more can she impress? Northern Ireland may be your home now Ann, but i know your heart will always be in Wangsa Maju! =D

And of course, not forgetting one my bestest friend, Mirul. From primary school till high school, we were almost inseperable. I guess our friendship is one of the oddest cause we're just so different. But i think in terms of our ideals, we're the same, and that's why we've been there for each other so many times. I am so very proud that he's achieved his dream of becoming a pilot, because more than anyone else, he has wanted this. I have never seen so much passion and dedication in my life, and whatever he's got in his life now, he deserves it. He's a total sweetheart of a guy, i really would like to pimp him out, but the poor boy refuses! He cares about me enough to pimp me out to his fellow pilots though, lol. That's one flaw though- his bad taste in the boys he tries to set me up with, haha.






Accountant-turned-some-corporate-thingy, Doctor, Pilot, and Lawyer

Ch-ch-changes

If you know me, this wouldn't be so random.

Yes, i got sick of the old layout. So i changed it. I didn't like any of the other layouts though. They were too.. blog-ish. Yes, duh. But i was looking for something that looks more suitable for prose, but i realised that if that's what i wanted, i should be looking elsewhere. So i chose the one that irritated me the least.

I've also changed my URL, yet again. I need my privacy when i write, and fear no repecussions. I've been the victim of such a situation, where my words were used against me. I believe that people who take your words out of context and manipulate them out of their intended meaning are scum. If you're not a debater using it in a debate, you're scum.

Speaking of scum. Tell me how can i not be disillusioned by so-called leaders who can't stand up for our rights keep making policies that burden the man on the street? Is this what leadership means to you? I'd rather the one fighting you, than being just like you.

Reality Check

In the last debate session i had, i kept saying "But Mr. Speaker, reality check". I'm not sure at what point my usually very serious debating style turned into bimbo-speak. Where art Thou, sophistication?

______________

Here's the reality check for my life:

1. Financial Status- absolutely depressing. I effin need to get paid!! I feel like an exploited Chinese sweatshop worker =(

2. Love life- still single. Cleaning up the mess of which i might have created, but i wish i was a little more heartless so that i could be blunt and get people to move on from something that never was. I'm not though, and funnily enough, in the process of trying not to get others hurt, i get emotionally distressed.

3. Friendships- i hate being in a fight, for the lack of a better word. As much as this might sound one-sided because it is only my side, i have done nothing wrong, thus i won't apologize. I believe that even if i did do something wrong, i should be told what it was, instead of being accused vaguely once and then given the silent treatment. Most of all, i hate dealing with immaturity. As a side note, Rob is leaving tomorrow. I'm gonna miss the outings, and the conversations with someone so different from my usual social circle. That last karaoke session was bittersweet.

4. Education- last semester's CGPA was less than stellar. I hate underperforming. It's probably due to a lifetime of being above average without trying too hard. Now i'm actually working for it, with nothing to show, and it is just so.damn.frustrating.

5. Music- had to cancel an open mic engagement last minute. Dima wasn't up for it, and i wasn't gonna do it alone. I guess i'm still afraid of being up there alone with my music.


1+2+3+4+5= Ok laaa... Life ain't that bad now, innit?

I Suffer You Badly

At the end of one of my rare (and in the grand scheme of my university life, my last) free semester break, i suppose there is an obligation to write about what i've done this holiday.

So here goes. Wait for it.

NOTHING!!!!

Well, nothing worthwhile, interesting, or i should be proud of.

My aim before i began my holidays were:

1. Lose weight
2. Make money
3. Make music
4. Improve my driving skills.

.... besides chillaxin' of course. That goes without saying.

I haven't lost any weight, despite cutting back on food. Due largely to my sloth like lifestyle this holidays, i've probably gained a few pounds. No, not in the right places.

I have been trying to make money by being an RA (Research Assistant) to not one, but TWO lecturers. Talk about being an overachiever. I'm pretty sure i'm the only student in my faculty's history to do this. Admittedly, i agreed to the second one under the impression it was lightweight work that wouldn't take long to be done, and i was helping out a friend. You know that saying about assumptions? Well, it made an ass out of me because the work turned out to be way more than what i expected and it's still not done! The money better be good *grumbles*

I've written three songs so far. Very lazy i have been. In my defense, the guitar just got fixed, and i just started playing again- getting the fingertips rough again (so unattractive on a girl, huh?). Two of the songs have some potential in them, but they still need a LOT of work. As a side note, putting up the video of Voices has met with some pretty positive response. It's always good when people show positive interest in your music, especially when you're a struggling musician such as I *cue the violins*

Driving skills. Improved? Probably a teensy weensy bit. But i am getting the car this semester, so woot woot! Ok, so i can drive just inside the compounds of the campus (which, really, is a good idea, trust me), but mobility on campus is still a plus point, considering the two ELs i am taking the next semester, plus it makes going swimming much easier (to lose the weight, see above).

What have i accomplished?

Four seasons of Weeds, one season of Private Practice, one season of One Tree Hill, one season of The O.C, one season of Gilmore Girls, a few movies, a few episodes of The Tudors, a few episodes of Supernatural.

Sigh, holiday bliss...

Bits and Pieces

Due to the fact that i haven't updated my blog in awhile, and of course my random nature, this post will be a mish mash of everything.

__________________________________________

Story No. 1: The American Experience.

As much as i wish i could list down all the place we visited in DC and NY, it wouldn't be much of a list. Mostly because we spent our time in DC watching the breaking rounds, and shopping our butts off in NY.

We didn't break, but i guess ranking 61st in the world, and having 3 out of 4 mooters in the top 100 (well, top 80 technically) is a pretty ok achievement. We were just so close to breaking, only if we had strategized better. It hurt at first when judges who met after break night saying they were surprised we didn't break, but it is heartening nonetheless. The international rounds also were a good indicator that Malaysians, or Asians, whether in debates or moots, are too stingy with scores. The best oralist of the finals in 06 gave me a 96, whilst in the national rounds, the highest i could score was a 90.

The fact that i've seen this happen in debates too much is also disheartening. Maybe i don't deserve such high scores, but must it take outsiders to appreciate what we've got?

On a lighter note, NY was awesome! I wish i had more space in my luggage, more spending money, though the amount we had was more than enough for this former tomboy to buy shoes, clothes and.... makeup. Yes, finally, i bought my own makeup. I've been slowly learning how to put on my own makeup, which is sad that i'm only learning (to be a woman) at the age of 22.

In NY, i felt like i was literally walking around in a Gossip Girl episode. I even spotted the NY Palace from across the road. screamed a bit, and everyone just went nuts! LOL. There was also the NBC studios of 30 Rock, and of course the awesome UN experience. We were lucky enough to have delegates bringing us into places you can't go as part of the public tour, such as the security council and the delegates' lounge. It was heartening when my coach's friend, an Argentinian delegate, was encouraging about my hope of being a delegate myself. She responded to my coach's surprise ("Tharishni, i've always thought you were the litigator type"- meaning i'm the tough, no-nonsense, not exactly nice-and-diplomatic type) by saying that you need tough women in the GA, that a diplomatic disposition isn't necessarily the stereotype that should be followed in the GA.

A ton of friends made, and a new close friend, who'll be visiting from the States soon!

________________________________________________

Story No.2: Arau Open

Often the victim of unfair adjudicating, i guess i should get used to this. So let's move on to something new.

Arau Open was a very new experience for me for 2 reasons. The first is being left in charge of the whole contingent after Becks left. I suppose after being the irresponsible one on team UM all this time, it was definitely a new perspective. I tried to be the 'fun' leader, but i think that ended up with me letting a lot of things slide, and being disrespected as the person in charge. I guess being the 'fun' leader can't be an absolute.

Number two would be the people i met and befriended. I suppose that after my first semester debating, the people i hung out with from other universities were always the same. You do meet new people, but you tend to have that group or individuals that you just click with and tend to gravitate to. Perhaps its the comfort of the familiar, or the fact that i'm just a really shy person (which people tend to mistake for arrogance).

So many of them have left now, or at least are taking a break. I suppose my problem has also been the fact that i used to get along well with the debate seniors, until people seem to think that i've been around for a long time, when in truth, i've only been debating for less than 2 years. I still remembered Fareez's (another old friend who's not around anymore) reaction at Royals this year: "You, debating junior category? But you're a fossil". When i retorted about his age and the fact that this was really my 2nd Royals, he was surprised. It's been the same old story ever since i was DCA of IIU League. Most people didn't realise that i was just starting my 2nd year of debates at that time.

So at Arau, i made new friends, some juniors, but most are those who started debating the same time as i did, just that they never did realise about the little known fact of when i started. And it was fun. I miss the old peeps, and this being the first tournament without someone who has been somewhat a constant fixture in tournaments throughout my debating career, made me think about said person more than i have the past few months. Making me realise that i do miss the old times.

But it's time to move on, and to come into my own. I'm hoping i'm there already.
____________________________________________________

Story No.3: Of writing, and music

I cannot tell you how happy i was when It started again. I was trying to sleep, and words came out and all i could do was get up and get them down. God, it's been far too long. The poetry wasn't in anyway quality stuff (refer to the previous post), but i'm just happy that i'm writing again.

Now, all i need is to start writing music again. I've been recording some random melodies, and am waiting for the guitar to be fixed. I've promised myself that i'll start recording proper, in a studio, come the new semester. And performing more too.

I've recently been offered a pseudo-job writing for an online maganize. It doesn't pay, but there are perks, and more importantly, it's recognition and a way for me to just keep writing. It's been awhile since i've been published. It'll be nice to see my name in print, and writing stuff that matters to more than me and a handful of stalkers.

Growth

Tell me that my songs
have never encroached upon
some semblance of sanity
reflected on an emblem of war
you've dclared against me

Tell me that my words
Once esteemed and pedestel bound
Have been uncrowned-
Found uncouth in your new scheme

Tell me that my deeds
Are now mud and soot upon your shoulders
Past any virtuos intent,
Over the bridges of common courtesy
Beyond the border of propriety.

Check your conscience at the door
Remove what may be mistaken for regret-
Then tell me the above truths
Proper guilt should follow- befitting
Only in your direction

What I Learnt In 27 Hours

27 hours of travel. Go figure.

1. The experience of listening to the intro (where the guitars and and drums are just banging furiously in beautiful harmony) of Coldplay's Politik whilst the plane runs really fast across the tarmac and lifts off is just amazing. I don't know how to describe it. Its just this mad rush that makes you feel so alive.

2. I used to love traveling. I used to love flying. Until i spent 8 hours, then 17 on a Qatar Airways flight. Now i'm a lot more sceptical. Travel is great, but i don't think i'll look forward to it the way i did before.

3. I cannot study on planes. Or in airports. I may be able to read some fiction, but that is it.

4. Not all airports in the world have expensive food. Some have standard prices. And then there's Doha where regular fries are around RM15.

5. Travelling with friends can be fun. But there's just so much you can talk about. It might, at times, come down to a discussion about bodily functions you thought you'd never have with each other.

6. I cannot eat, and then sleep while flying. Nausea ensues. It never came down to actually using the barf bag, thank god.

7. I need to learn to not be so shy when i need food. Then i might actualy get Doritos with salsa.

8. Apparently there is no difference between being a lacto-ovo vegetarian and a normal one. I still get fruit for desert, instead of some scrumptious cake, etc.

9. There is a variety of ways to keep you occupied in the airport. Duty free is 90% of it.

10. I suck at math.

11. I like kids, as much as try to deny it. And they love me back. It's a win-win, as long as they're not mine.

The Madness

... does not affect me much.

I've been staying over at a friend's place with the 3 other bah kut tehs, and i seem to be the one most relaxed, chilled and the one getting sleep at regular hours. Yes, we are all cramming for our exams. Sigh.

Now, i'm not sure if my habit is a good thing. I'm pretty sure that putting in that extra crazy effort must be done in the last 48 hours before the paper. I'm sure it's a good thing.

So tell that to my body.

I have to get my food. I have to get my sleep. I have to take breaks to relieve my boredome. I have to talk to my friends at occasion about non-study related stuff.

It' s how i've functioned throughout my life, and i know there should always be a time to change. But this just reminds me of the last time i went bowling. See, I throw my balls like a caveman. I knock down 9 pins in one throw. But my friends kept telling me i should learn how to throw proper. So i tried and kept doing the fabulous move called the gutter ball. I hate losing. So i went back to what works: the caveman move.

So this is why i'm gonna stick to my own moves for now.

Good luck for exams peeps. And if you do get a peek at the questions, do holla ;D


P/S- I'm just hoping no future employer sees this. Cause i'm pretty sure i'd get a big fat stamp on my application that says: LAZY.

Swoop in.

It's been awhile. And for the same reasons why it's been awhile, this will have to be quick.

WE WON JESSUP! WE FREAKIN' WON THE MALAYSIAN NATIONAL ROUNDS!!!!!!

Ok. Now that's out of the system. I'll be leaving for D.C on the 19th, and the competition will be from 22nd-28th March. Then it's 3 days in New York, baby.

After years and years of having my life influenced by American pop culture, i will finally step foot on the same soil that has, in some ways, shaped the kind of person i am. Damn you, western influences (says this while wearing t-shirt that says FBI and drinking coca-cola).

Pray for us. Heck, pray for me, that i won't get eaten alive by scary judges.

Oh, and cute boys. If you can pray i get granted some of that, i'd be happy too =)

P/S- I <3 my team mates.

The Inevitable

Fact: Everyone complains about getting older.

Fact: So have I.

Fact: But what about getting younger?

As corny as it is for me to talk about a Brad Pitt movie, the Curious Case of Benjamin has had me thinking these past few days. Maybe because of the coincidence in time of me watching it- i've just turned 22, but maybe getting younger all the time might not be such a good idea. I've met people across life's journey who are of an age where you'd expect a certain level of maturity from them. Yet the maturity displayed can at times be shocking- i know it's all about being young at heart and all, but really, should all the time you've spent on this earth be not be used for anything?

Turning older can, at times, suck ass. I suppose anyone who has gone through being 22 will admit that it gets scary hereonafter. 22 becomes 23 becomes 24..... Yeah. I think John Mayer encapsulates this feeling so well in Stop This Train.

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun"

But do i really want to be younger? I'm not so sure. There's a certain novelty about being young, or at least being younger than the average age in the room.

Well, there's nothing that we can do about huh? Let's at least make the time we've spent worth it today.

_________________________________________________

V-Day.

Never celebrated.

This year's the same.

The loneliness never ceases. But this year it's amplified by the people around me. Not because everyone's couply and all lovey dovey. But because everyone's the same.

And loneliness strikes the heart more piercingly when it finds it echoed so loudly around it.

Indulge Me In Frivolity

. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

I will not tag anyone in this. I'm doing this with Hannah for fun...

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Island in the Sun (Weezer)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Counting Down the Days (Natalie Imbruglia). Buahahaha- means i haven't met a guy i liked?

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Photobooth (Death Cab For Cutie). I suppose all the bday pictures?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Take Your Time (Shayna Zaid). Hahahaha

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Creep (Radioahead)// hahahha :p

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Silence is Easy (Starsailor)// I talk to much??...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Details in the Fabric (Jason Mraz ft James Morrison)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Warning Sign (Coldplay)- Anxiety much, Tharish?

WHAT IS 2+2?
Julia (Our Lady Peace)//

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Volcano (Damien Rice)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Two Days in February(Goo Goo Dolls)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Wonderwall (Oasis)- Guess even the Ipod won't tell me my future....

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
A Lack of Color (Death Cab For Cutie)- Yes, i wanna be fairer..... LOL

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
PDA (We Just Don't Care) John Legend- HAHAHA

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)- Hahahaha. Yes, i use them all

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Here In My Room (Incubus)- Dancing to the perfect makeout song? Oookayyy...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
On Call (Kings of Leon)- HAHAHAHAHA. I never will die in peace huh?

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Waiting on the World to Change (John Mayer)- Buahahaha!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Beautiful World (Carolina Liar)- Awww...

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Say (John Mayer). Err...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Juicebox (The Strokes)// Death by...Juice??

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Be My Husband (Nina Simone and Damien Rice). Ah, all those marriage proposals i turned down...

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
American Boy (Kanye and Estelle).

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Long Day (Matchbox Twenty)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Cheers Darlin' (Damien Rice)- Nice. Except u know, i don't wanna be singing this song instead.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Salute Your Solution (The Racontuers)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
You're So Gay (Katy Perry). HAHAHAHA. Yes, i have been known to attract the girls as well...

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Shape (Sugababes). Yes lah, i wouldn't have gotten so fat...

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Right to be Wrong (Joss Stone)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Closer (Travis)

Pull Me Apart.

10.11 a.m.

Supposedly clearing up my college room for the CNY holidays, but i'm tapping into whatever substandard internet connection i can get at the moment.

Here's the truth.

I was handed the phone two days ago. By one of my best friends. Who cared enough to do it. Who cared enough about me to know that it's just gotta stop. And i argued back- it's casual, give me some time, i swear i'm not as invested in this as you think i am.

So why the heck am i sitting here wondering whats going on the very moment a promise falls through?

Why couldn't i just leave? Why couldn't i run away in the other direction -fast?

Cause i'm scared. I'm freakin' terrified.

I'm scared of what will happen. If i pull out too soon. Or if i keep holding on. Because once i do this, there's no turning back.

I'm scared of being completely alone. And right now, this fear consumes me more than ever.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want to be the idiot in this. I don't want to be the one left in pieces.

I wish i wasn't me for one second. I wish i wasn't this person who cared so much about everything and everyone, who believes that you should get what you give back.

But i guess the rest of the world doesn't believe in that. And here i am, the ultimate fool.

A Mark. A dent. A scratch?

I think being aware of world events and understanding the plight and suffering of those less fortunate is always a good thing. A bubble can sometimes equal to ultimate bliss, but apathy should never be the answer- thats how we got here in the first place.


I've always admired those ordinary men and women out there who care enough to do something about these things. My activist days may have been suspended for the time being, but that does not mean i care any less. Its just that the daily grind gets to you a little too much, and you stop making time for these things because you just do not have time. Which is why i truly admire people that stand up and do something.


But sometimes, certain things just make me wonder- are we making a difference with this?


I've always been taught by debate training, that you must always question : what do you hope to achieve out of the proposal? Doing something is all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day action taken should be to achieve something.

But here's the thing. Sometimes even that little bit you wanted, just doesn't happen.


I'm talking about the condemnation of Israel's action in the Gaza strip.


I came down for lunch one day and there was a huge banner for people to sign and write whatever message they want condemning the Israeli action. There were numerous signatures splashed across the banner, and oddly the first thing that came across this weird little head was: Geez. I bet half these kids don't even know where the Gaza Strip is.

But it's true, all they know is that:

a. We're Muslims/live in a Muslim country
b. Israel is a Jew state
c. Israel bomb innocent Palestinians.


A+B+C= Bad bad bad. Without uh, knowing the REAL situation? You know, the one where there isn't only one bad guy in the picture? Don't get me wrong though. I think whats going on at the Gaza Strip is a pathetic imitation of a justified war.


But back to the story. The said banner now hangs outside my college proudly. But um.... what exactly does this achieve? Will this make Isreal notice? Same goes with certain other 'actions' taken by organizations in M'sia. Will anything change with what you do?


The answer: Heck No.


Isreal, if it had an ounce of reason in it would have stopped already. We're dealing with not one, but two countries that seem to have almost disenfranchised themselves from their people and consumed with retaliation- they've probably forgotten what they were fighting for in the first place.


So your banners, your vigils, your writings. Nothing will change anything. Not there's anything that actually can be done to stop these fools from continuing to destroy whatever semblance of humanity that may exist there.


It's good to show that you care. By all means, do not stop doing it, thats not what i'm asking you to do. But here's my reality check for you:


Stop Kidding Yourself. The World Is Screwed.

I've forgotten how
The view from here
Regrets the light interfering
Admonishes the intrusion of anxiety
Only welcoming the calm
The chaos of silence



-I'm in the mood. Missing these sorta moments.