Oh, hello?

So after three disappointing Royals, here it is. Yusuf. The BIG prize.

And not just the championship trophy, i was Best Speaker Finals AND Overall. Holy Crap.

The run-up to this, which was 3 debate competitions back-to-back was painful and dissapointing. Especially the Semis loss at OIC. Being 9th Best Speaker in Asia is cool and all, but making finals would've been cooler.

But hey, you win some. You lose some.

And this win, this was worth it. Funnily enough, as happy as i am, i'm not ecstatic. Karth commented on how relaxed i was about the win. Its funny how i don't feel the same way i did when we won Jessup. Now that was pure euphoria.

But i guess as awesome as it was to win the trophy, it barely made up for losing my heart. I suppose it really is true. Success is nothing without sharing it with the one you loved.

The silver lining: Africa. Yes, i'll be in the continent for about 16 days. Debates, then vacation. And thats how, and where, i will heal.

I will heal.

________________________________________

"This time baby, i know i'll be bulletproof"

Deal.

It seems like you've stopped caring. It sucks.

Yes, thats technically what you can do now, what you're supposed to do, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Everytime i think of it, there's a dull thud in my heart.

Just because i said i'm moving on. Doesn't mean i care any less.

Like Velcro.

I hate HATE when cheesy lines echo my thoughts.

But here goes.

I'm letting you go. I've been struggling with this decision, and i probably will for a long time. But you haven't said anything, and by the non-enthusiasm of our conversations lately, this is the right thing to do.

But more than anything, i'm doing this because this is right for you. Because more than me, you need to find yourself and figure yourself out. I wasn't able to make you feel and thats my fault, inadvertently so. And its not right to tie you to me and keep you feeling hollow.

I'm letting you go because i love you. This is probably the hardest thing i've ever done, but i guess love is about sacrifices. My best hope is someday. Someday you'll find yourself and find your way back to me. But i've always been a pessimist, a ridiculous defence mechanism i've adopted along the years. So i'm not gonna even think about that possibility.

So i'm always gonna hate these lines. Mostly because they're true.

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never your's to begin with. If it comes back to you, it is your's forever.

21.11.10

Keeping it all in? Not such a good idea.

I'm a little more than a little embarassed at the outpour of emotions i just had. But i guess thats what happens when your just spread too thin, and try to do everything, and be everything, all at once.

The fact that i might have lost something i worked so hard on for years, the fact that i had a lecturer threatening to fail me, the fact that my dad is pissed at me and isn't doing so well, the fact that i've probably pissed off my friends with my flakiness due to debates, the fact that i'm losing the man i probably love at the time when i'm realising that i probably actually love him....

It was just way too much.

I tried, to be the Superwoman everything thinks i am. And because you told me that you like me when i'm strong. Funny how the memory of you saying that makes me weak.

God give me strength. Heck, just give me a break.

I'd like to think i deserve it.

15.12.10

What if i made a mistake?

What if we both did?

What if i don't care whether this is the right thing for my long-term benefit?

This feels too wrong to be right. And i'm too sad to be ok with this.

How is this right if this is so hard on both of us?

4 days later.

Someone just HAD to put this up as their status la. Hello wrong timing?

"Love is not about finding someone to live with. It's about finding someone you can't live without"

Damn.

The Flipside.

If there was nothing, then why does it hurt like this?

"How you gonna know the feeling, till you lost it?
I've been losing plenty since"

-Always Be, Jimmy Eat World.

And this is where it gets hard. Right now. Today. God give me strength.

... because i haven't been given much. And even that little has been taken away.

"We'll run away from tomorrow, with our lips locked"

I suppose when you don't see the point of getting hurt, you forget how hurt feels like.

And thats when you don't know you're hurting someone else.

Or care much that you're hurting someone else.

If you knew, would you care? Would you stop?

If you saw me crying, would you stop?

Would you take me into your arms and tell me its alright?

Or would you tell me to stop being an emotional child, to pick myself up and be rational?