Scroll Day.

t’s the day before my convocation, and as fate would have it, I’m not swamped with work. I’m actually… free. But saying, or typing that out makes me feel like I’m jinxing it. Its times like these that I’m always afraid that the call to the chambering area is meant for me, and that a pile of almost impossible work is waiting for me.

In what should only be completely appropriate, a good think through of life right now is in order. Work, despite what has been written above, isn’t too bad. I tend to go into things headfirst, with the worst expectations as my helmet. And surprised I was. Everyone’s really nice. I may not have the most personable master, but he’s isn’t nasty, nor does he overwork me. At all. And occasionally it’s been totally fun. Last Friday night’s charity event saw me choreographing the girl’s part of the dance- something I’ve NEVER done before. And um, it was a kinda sultry little dance =p. AND WE WON! So fuck it. All that work and putting aside any form of embarrassed feelings was worth it.

The routine is alright. Time flies fast enough, the next thing I know it’s lunch time. Then its time to go home. Then its work again. I think that's probably what I hate the most. It kinda feels like a never ending cycle. And I’m not too sure I’m passionate about this. It’s… aiteee.. But I don’t know if aite is good enough for life. Having some money is nice enough though. And that’s probably the only reason why life doesn’t totally suck now.

So tomorrow. I guess when I embarked on the journey known as law school, I thought by the time I received my scroll, I’d have it all figured out. I’d be chambering and would either be so passionate about the law I’d see myself as a partner in 7 years. Or so disappointed with it I’d already have made plans post-chambering. My parents would be all proud on that day- though I’d never be naïve enough to think they wouldn’t be bickering about some small thing or another. And the man I’d end up marrying someday would be there too, waiting with a bouquet of flowers. So I’d have two massive bouquets, the scroll barely visible, huge smile and looking gorgeous. I’d have it all figured out. At 24.

The reality is I’m still feeling my way through. I’m completely uncertain about the path ahead of me. I am essentially single and feel nothing for anyone. In fact, I can’t remember what it’s like to feel that way anymore. And thats a little bit more than a little sad. I’ll be getting one massive bouquet in pale lilac and pink- yes, I told my dad what I wanted. I don’t have juniors enforced under some silly buddy system buying me gifts, and my brothers won’t be there. Specifically, my eldest brother, the one whom I’m closest to, because he’s in NZ right now. I’ll have some fab pictures, I hope, since my parents have made me hire a photographer. But I kinda have to wear a bloody saree, in order to fulfil parental cultural obligations. Gaaargh.

I’m in the running for the Anugerah Raja Datuk Sooria award, which is the best all-round law student, but I doubt I’ll win it. That’s what you get for ditching law school activities for debates, and ditching your studies for living.

I don’t regret anything. But sometimes. Sometimes you just wish that you were really the girl who had everything.

(Update as at 7.49p.m- Just got back from work. And yes, work did come in. Rolling in, knocking over each other leaving me harried. As usual. But the announcement that one of my closest friends is taking a day off from work for my convo just lit up my day!)

Unfazed.

I think i'm still supposed to be mad. Bleeding angry. Hulk-rage at the mention of your name.

But. I just feel nothing. Like nothing, nothing.

Which is strange. Because i've never been an ambivalent person.

I honestly just feel hollow. Maybe this has taken everything away from me. My emotions snatched swiftly from my grasp.

I guess i'm just like you now. At least that thought would make me feel something.

Sadness.

Memory. Oh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlvOxu4-NV8&feature=relmfu

Funny how after everything. When i heard this song. I felt exactly the way the song was meant to feel. About you.

Making Space.

Burning bridges is never easy. Because you only burn the bridges you cared about.

I've had to burn two this week. One, because really, what other option is there that isn't hypocritical? And the second, to protect him.

The former was hard enough. The second one is giving me much, much heartache. Yes, he did me wrong. But for what it's worth, he knows it, has apologized, and as i've told him- i put him in the spot to make those decisions. So the only way to do right, is for me to burn our bridges.

Some might think i'm one for drastic decisions. Perhaps. But thats just who i am. If i'm gonna feel and speak as passionately as i do, then my actions should reflect that, no? The last thing i want to be labelled as is a hypocrite.

This is a transition. And they're not meant to be easy.

Fortitude.

Facing the Facts.

I hate you. I hate how you always, ALWAYS successfully manage to turn things around and make it about you. To turn it around and make everyone else the villain. Everyone but you of course. You have no faults. You are not the reason that people were genuinely upset with you. You have never committed any of the wrongs you magnify. Doesn’t it ever occur to you that there is a damn good reason why people get upset?

Nope. Of course not.

You’re always right.

And the weak. The weak are the ones who follow you. Who enforce that shrine you’ve built for yourself. The rest of us, we were weak too. I suppose in some ways we were always weak. Never immune to your charms. The strong ones, the ones who resisted and refused to take more crap. They were the ones you vilified. I suppose we never fell into that category. Because we weren’t strong enough. To say it to your face. Some of us have given you so much. Almost everything you asked for, we gave. And gave. In return we used to feel good to be in your good graces.

That used to be enough.

Yet everyone has their limits. I reached mine. Catapulted by a disastrous event I am not proud of, I decided to severe our ties. If you only knew why. The reason which you would never believe, given the circumstances. It’s not like you wanted to listen to it. And boy, how you ripped me into shreds. But you spun your own version, and subsequently doing what you’ve just accused me of publicly. Oh wait. How could I be so sure it was me? You left it vague. Impersonal.

And yet again, we hide behind our monitors.

I thought that perhaps letting go was best. You’d be surprised at the things I know. Yes, I know about the lies. Yes, I know about the venom you spread to others. If my mistake was confiding about my feelings to those I mistakenly trusted, then so be it. At least I am not culpable of spreading lies to those that know no better.

But hey. We all make mistakes. Especially when we’ve just been hurt.

So as time passed, I decided to move on. Let you back in to my life. Enjoyed your companionship. Because time doesn’t heal all wounds. It merely makes you forget how much it hurt.

As per usual. I do this. And I end up getting hurt, again. Sure, you feel betrayed. You think I don’t? Oh wait. No one else matters but you and your feelings. Good luck with that.

As for me, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m done trying to justify your actions. I’m done thinking the best of you, even after everything. And I’m certainly done with this faux toxic relationship.

Perhaps, it’s best if you think about things a little longer, and think about why we felt the way we did. Why there seems to be a pattern to how people surrounding you behave. Like you used to say, X amount of people can’t ALL be wrong together?

22.08.2011

I've denied it all this time.

But fine.

I am a damsel in distress.

So hurry up now. Come save me.

Best. Compliment. Ever.

A rather senior, well respected Singaporean debater said this to me yesterday:

'U have a natural talent at persuasion. Very rare. Wen u speak ppl listen their not looking at ur chest anymore. Tats very very rare in hot speakers.'

Double compliments. Made my week.

Stack 'em up.

The transition hasn't been easy. But it wasn't as hard as i thought it'd be.

Maybe because i had things to do with my time. Maybe because i have amazing friends. Maybe it was the much needed cathartic overnight session that had more than me letting it out. Maybe because the girls that i initially were skeptical of (and i'm sure they were skeptical of me too), turned out to be the blessings in disguise that i needed- seeing me through their eyes was what i needed. Ego boost perhaps, the adoration. But a much needed one.

I won't lie. I think about how it used to be. And i begrudge how somethings now have become a hurdle. But it's for the best i think. At some point, it would've hurt too much, and letting go later would just make things worse. For me. Which was why i acted selfishly. For once, in this cycle, i wanted to think of my future, earnestly this time.

It doesn't hurt anymore now. And knowing that gives me the kind of power over my life that i haven't had in awhile. Its made me lighter.

On a different note, i won the Cheeseman Essay Competition. On my first try, funnily enough. And it was at a time when i probably needed the win for three reasons:

1. Way too many losses- Australs, Wira... the list is pretty long.

2. The contemplation of writing again, seriously this time.
3. The cash. Muahahahahaa!

I really want to use the money to join Omes and James in Bangkok to bum around- i've been offered to come over and stay with these jolly men. Oh, and maybe teach English. The thing is, i've got about a week before i start work, so i'm in a real dilemma. Not to mention parental disapproval possibly looming ahead.

Oh well. No Bangkok means more money for shoes? Muahahahhaha!

P/S- I'm kidding. I have too many. Oh wait, i do need an extra pair for work... ;)

Keep Talking In Circles.

"Where do we go from here?"

I've never believed in ignoring things and sweeping them under the carpet. And this is a lot of shit we're trying to hide under the carpet. Even if the storm has settled. Even if the pressure cooker is now turned off.

There's still a huge mess.

The question is do we want to go back to what we were? Or superficial acquiantances like we are right now? The former requires us to sort through all the shit thats happened. The latter, well nothing.

Only time.

Priorities

They say the first step of curing yourself is to acknowledge the problem.

So i'm depressed. The signs point to mild clinical depression.

I'm trying to psych myself up for Australs. I fly off tomorrow after all. But i realized that the reason i don't want to debate, don't want to lead the team, don't even want to go to Korea, is because of the fact that my entire self-worth was crushed by one person. In less than 30minutes, he took away whatever self-worth i had. And i hear he isn't done.

I can't control what others want to think, and say about me. I can't control another's wrath.

But i can try to control the self-loathing i have of myself right now. It took a baby to take me out of the gloom. Thank you Zara Iman, for your mirth, joy, and pure innocence. Your unqualified affection snapped me out of it. I only wish that you would carry this miraculous ability to heal others throughout your life.

Tate told us at the workshop that him and Logan, his teammate, brought their father's briefcases with them to their rounds at the Australs where they made finals. It was to give themselves the sense of belonging, and to remind themselves that despite the high stakes, despite the sea of people who would look down on them, they mattered. There were people who thought the world of them, and the rest of the world has to now believe in them too.

So i'm going to make a list. A list of people who helped me through the worst week of my life, and a list of people who genuinely want to see me achieve things, and just to be happy. It might not be the longest list of people. But they're more than enough for me.

I'm going to carry that list with me to Korea. To remind me that at least for some people, i matter.

I can't feel anything. I can't concentrate. I can't eat. I feel like just curling up in bed. Or dying.

I am ashamed that i feel this way. I am ashamed that i thought today as i was driving that maybe i should just get into an accident. Because that would be better than right now.

But i can't. I thank god that through this veil of darkness i still recognise that i owe people to do what i need to do now. Because i honestly would leave, if that option was one that wouldn't be unfair to other people.

I know i'm wrong. And i've tried. I suppose i'm still trying. But its not working. Not that it should. Its unfair for me to expect that it should. I need to deal with the consequences of my actions.

And the consequence feels like a noose tightly wrapped around my neck. The things said to me in such contempt might as well been substituted for a knife or a bottle of pills. And i guess i deserved them. And if i deserved them, then whats the point of my existance anymore?

Building/Stumbling Blocks

Murphy. You loveeee me dontcha. Every opportunity you get. An example i am. I'm used to your games. But my freakin' graduation? Not cool Murphy. Not cool.

___________________________________________________

So i decided to say fuck it and move on, because there isn't much i can do it about it. Moping around ain't gonna help. So i channelled all my energy into ICRC. In a dramatic turn of events that saw me having to again, take out someone close to me, stress vomitting, breking first unexpectedly- we made finals. And lost it. So close. Bugger. One more open tourney finals lost.

Oh well. Dr. C did say, "This tournament, all i want is for you guys to work on your manner." I hope we did that too.

_____________________________________________________

So my former editor, SufSaf, bestowed upon me the responsibility and faith in a civil society project, UndiMalaysia. I've always wanted to be involved in such projects, but my father's lack of faith in my ability to not get kicked out by uni admins kinda put a fullstop to that.

I gave Sufsaf quite the grilling about the project when he asked me. I think that caught him off-guard a little, but reassured him that he was making the right decision.

He made by day, by these typed sentences:

"btw do u know why i thought of you first to recruit into the team? because you write beautifully. among friends, i've never seen better writing. so yes, that's why. n no i'm not sweettalking here, u know im not like that. there's that element of sarcasm and wit in your writing which i crave to have in mine"

Its been too long since i made a mark with my writing. Perhaps its time i go back.

_______________________________________________________

Could i be more confused about my life?

Closing Time.

So. Here it is. The end of my 21 years of education. The LLB(Hons) 2nd Class Upper.

Couldn't be prouder of myself.

No, not for the fact that i finally got to achieve the highest possible graduation standard in my class (no first classes in my batch, rofl), but the fact that i did it whilst experiencing uni life. Whilst i broadened my boundaries and deepened my thoughts. Finally stretching my wings and experiencing things most people did before turning 21.

The journey has been bittersweet, but i've never been one to grudge the bitter parts of life. Perhaps this is always said in hindsight of stability status quo.

I never got to fully 'celebrate' though. I had to move out of my dormitory, move in somewhere else, train, and whoosh- i was on a plane to Macau. The debating kinda hurt. It took a massive toll on me to try to cover so many problems with my other teammates, whilst trying to improve my own performance, because i knew i wasn't doing as well as i know i could. I don't think i've ever spontaneously burst into tears at a break announcement the way i did at Macau. It was just too.damn.close.

Despite all that. Despite the internal and external drama. I came home to the best news i could've ever presented myself.

I realized i was over him.

As i hung up the phone after we spoke for more than an hour when i got back, i realised at that moment that i don't feel the same way anymore. Yes, i love him, and care about him. But love, as i have just realised, is just an emotion. Like happiness, sadness, anger.. its a pure emotion. What clouds things are the nature of relationships, and the externalities that plague us and confuse us.

So i suppose, for as random as the reason i fell for him, i fell out of his hold on me. And God, it feels great to feel free.

Step 1 into adulthood. Check.

30.04.2011

Collective sentiment of today:


BUT I WANT A BOY TOO =(


Oh, and exams season sucks. Big time.

Re-Start.

I'm not sure WHAT exactly possessed me to open my friendster account today. Supposed studying gone wrong i guess.

The best part, and why i haven't closed down the damn account, is cuz of some of the testimonials written about me. Real pick-me-ups, on a day where it is much needed.

PaulineSep 17 2005, 09:18 AM

This girl is the scariest girl i've ever met. ( That something, considering I am taller than her, by, like a whole feet.)
She sings ( WOW,like!) she debates (kicked my sorry ass too) she writes
( I mean, like really well.)
she told this absolute bitch of a teacher off ( I did that too... this teacher is intolerable) and she has just been made Editor!!!
So, see what i mean?
She is also a great kid( haha. Like lah I so old.) and all round sweetie.
keep her on your friends list, and read her blog... its a hoot!
So, here's to Tharishini, sweet 'freshie' extraordinaire!!!!

LaiNeSep 12 2005, 07:09 AM

hey tharish! i finally remember to write u a testi..sorry for the delay.. =P
this gurl is a best friend of mine since form 1!! let me count...yeah, arond 6 years! she's really sweet and nice, and will be there for you anytime.she's kinda mature..erm..ehhe, as in her..thinking, and decision making. rite tharish? ^.-
sides that..tharish
*is good in singing (yeah!)
*pro in english!! ( at least she's able to correct my grammar mistakes!)
*ELEGANT.
well...too many...i can't finish it la tha..to be continued...k?! ^,- that's all for now!

JacQueLineSep 10 2005, 02:50 PM

hey there ... know this gal for months d but never drop ya testi before , so im here gonna drop ya here ... haha , sorry a ( eh , but you also didnt drop me also mar) haha ... at the begining , not very close with her ... but now , kinda close ... with "ice kacang , ice kacang" ... haha ... aih , too bad ... thought wanna intro her to some of my guys-friend ... now no need d lu , haha ... glad you had found "him" ... cherish both of you o ... ganbateh in your exam , im sure you will ... haha ... chiaoz ...

-jAcQnChRisT ... eNdLeSs loVe-

SatyaMay 14 2004, 11:07 AM

what can i say about tharish... she's
smart, funny, n witty. strong advocate
of gender equality. yeah, n 1ce she
developes n opinion, she sticks 2 it
(especially about a certain
shieldmaiden of rohan;P). we're both
self-confessed lotr nuts. n i din' noe
u liked john mayer. that makes 2 of us
as well (although, i'm not exactly
crazy about him la). all the best in ur
spm... we should definatey meet up
afterwards. in the mean time... peace!

Ryan KayFeb 29 2004, 01:24 PM

this gal and me always bitchin each
other in skool!!! my personal secratary
hahahahah. i miss her lot!! great
person to chill and hang out with
actually ponteng kelas!!!!! umm she a
very garang if triger her. whut do i
like about her is always ry to be
cute.. TAK COMEL PON!!!! hahahahah. one
of my old friend back in skool i know
her mother also... heeh tak habis habis
ask me to put her face in the skool mag
and ask me weather she look like
kajol!!! hahaahah i miss ur mom such a
nice women and funny too. love her
loads. ummm miss skool days!!! whut
ever it is u are one of my closetest
friends. chow gal. keep it movin and
shake that boobs ops botty hahah.

MekZSep 21 2005, 10:01 AM

hello! ahahahaa...i'm here to pollute this place. yes, pollute.

i just have a few words for you.

WORK WORK WORK!!!

lol, yes people, this is the new editor of an almost non-existant *i feel so bad for labeling it thus but it is a fact, most unfortunately of course* editorial. BUT! we're fighting for it! we are! or at least, i handed over the sceptre to her not too long ago and she's leading the army into the battlefield......

ok, lets not go into bloody details. ;)

she's great great great. hmm. already taken, so i can't really 'promote' her hmm? and i'll take my MUET teacher's word for it that she's great as a debater. singing? i haven't heard that yet...you, *points a finger* could use that as publicity! lol

what am i doing. no work talk. ok

anyway, she's one heck of a force to be reckoned with on the debate stage *horror!* so i wouldn't get on her bad side...hmm?

good luck with everything ok!

rAbbit dArLinGNov 03 2005, 01:40 AM

hallo...RICHIE tharish..she is my exschoolmate,,but in d same college..her english malay
language...always top 1..emm i think if ask her to practice french,spanish...she also can la,,,,itu bisala...kan tharish?kat skola dulu ...pun top debater,...dun mess up with her..if u dont hav facts..just keep quiet....if not u hancur!jk ony..eh tharish ..u r in a relationship huh??/y i dont know one..one day we meet up..then u tell me ur story ok??n yah she is very determine!!!so continue to rock the whole school yeah!!!

AmeliAOct 30 2005, 04:27 PM

hey girl...
at last...d long awaited testimonial has arrived...hehe...
*cheers* 2 d sweetest girl i know...& tht comes straight from d heart...
she's jus a gem 2 hv s a fren...& my god i jz love her voice...*PPL U HV 2 HEAR HER SING !!!* she's also 1 of d best debaters i knw...my hats go off 2 u girl 4 bein able 2 do wat u do...& jz bein u... she is 1 determined person & it helps alot hvin her bringin u back down 2 earth when ur freakin out...1 very gr8 example would b d KTJ debates...*tht was so screwed up *...but thank u so much...it was n experience...anyways, u take good care girl...i'm glad i had d oppurtunity 2 go walk down 1 of lives winding roads wit u...frens 4 eva...
luv u 2 bits...~muax~
catch u around in coll...
*btw, Happy Deepavali*

JacQueLineOct 29 2005, 03:19 PM

h e y . . . . . . . .

haha , nothing much ... hehe ...

just to kacau you only , hehe ...

this girl is my classmate .. haha ...

she's very good in debating ... her eng was extremely good ... compare with me , just a piece of shit ... haha ...

she's nice , caring & friendly girl BUT too bad , no chance d ... haha ... if you get to know her longer then you will know the real of her ....

PaulDec 08 2005, 12:22 PM

aiyar got so many testi also still want my one. Ok la Ok la gif u la

Tharishni struck me first as a insufferable little know it all, full of energizer bunny energy.

Beneath that appearance of a over enthusiastic person is a calm, level headed, cool and sensitive girl with emotions.

She has been my best team mate fer the debates she and of course our fren alvin cast alongside. We are the three mosquitoes.

Still my "si - fat" no matter what team proton-ge u want to call urself ekekekek but like the "si fat" it is an integral part of my life, an important piece in my life, si fat or not, those good days we had will be my most memorable moments in college.

We ROCK!!!!

'VeEsA'Jan 18 2006, 05:10 AM

HeY GuRL...I JuSt HaD To DrOp By AnD TeLL YoU ThiS...YOU ARE AN AMAZING SINGER! GoD DaMn...U ArE LikE So TaLeNtEd! LoVe ThE MuSiC...LoVe ThE LyRiCs! WhAtEveR U DoiN RiTe NoW...DonT EvEr StOp TiLL I HeAr U On Da RaDio...HeHe!

AlphonseFeb 23 2006, 10:05 AM

"Well, if you've got a-one-in-a-million girl don't let her get away; 'cause the next one-in-a-million girl is a million girls away..."

CherryDec 27 2006, 12:13 PM

ooooooooooh so there's tharishni the petite chick with the big voice ey? =) thank yewwww for the compliment, drama's my passion. well same to u despite knowing lotsa big shots already(according to ur pics) i even wana see you beyond whatever u've achieved cos u'd go far,really really far.that song was sung beautifully and hey, i used to sing that on stage.so hope u dont mind me being a lil jakun.like arrh that song!!wah that girl can sing! =D thumbs up,gal. all the best and who knows? we'd work closely in the near future!=D

Meaning.

This might be a little overdue, but the value of it remains, nonetheless.

UCTI OPEN WAS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ok, so we lost the finals. And for once, in a very long time, i didn't show in the Top 10 Best Speakers. Who gives a fuck?

I certainly didn't.

For once, it wasn't about the trophies. It may have started out that way, i'll admit; but in the end, none of that mattered. For once, it wasn't about the social side of things propping things. It was purely about the debate. The 60minutes. The 7 minutes of standing there and trying to make an impact. And the gloriously satisfying 30minute prep.

God, it was good.

I can't thank Fareez enough for taking me in and teaching me, inadvertently so, of the merits of true debating. Just debating.

The value of a good round, where the intellectual flow of ideas, of pushing the arguments to its satisfying logical conclusion, and the laughter of teammates, and friendly opponents.

It made me realise that i should be in it, for just the debating. And that the debating CAN make me happy. On its own, purest form. Especially so, in this final lap.

I'm starting to take off my rose-tinted, angst-filled glasses. And i'm redefining the meaning of this life i'm living.

Hinges.

So here's the thing. I'm a bit of a masochist. But more importantly, i tend to overestimate my strength as a person.

I thought that i would be able to do this. Get over you whilst still being your close friend. Mostly because i think that i wouldn't really be over you if i couldn't be friends with you, right?

Lofty, lofty ideals.

I think i'm kinda close to losing it. Because i dreamed of you last night. A dream that was so real that it took quite a bit to shake myself to reality at dawn. If i were to accept theories of modern psychology, then it would mean that my subconscious is telling me i can't do this. Because what i want and what i'm working for are too different things, both on the exact opposite ends of the spectrum.

Practical exigencies mandate my maintaining the status quo.

When all i want to do is just run away from all of this.

7.04.2011

Cracked mirrors, we are. Biased fragments of each other.

It came down to that ONE incident. Where, from thence on, it coloured the entire pseudo relationship we have. Had? I wished you'd have been able to see it from my side. Why i did it. You did something that made me feel so humiliated, degraded, worthless... and it came from someone who i cared deeply about, and should've cared for me almost as much. I had to talk to someone. I had to let it all out. To expect me to have kept it all in was a punishment crueler than the original act itself.

I had to let it out, and he was the best person. Perhaps it was a knee-jerk reaction. He was there. He was a good listener. But did you know why i did it? Because i trusted him. He was my friend and confidante; i was lost. He was a friend who knew i wasn't alright, and i had no strength to lie.

So forgive me for being so weak at that point. Forgive me for not being able to withstand the blow you dealt me that day. Alone.

I'd have thought you'd forgive me the way i've forgiven you for all the tears shed due to your callousness during the relationship. All the romantic expectations you crushed. The fear of being affectionate to the person i wanted to be affectionate the most with. The fact that i tried to please you, but to no avail. The fact that i tried to impress you, but to no avail. The willful ignorance of emotions. The constant questioning of my self-worth, my worth to you. One word: Selfishness.

I've been trying so hard now, to be good, to be good to you. But it doesn't matter, no road ahead do you want to forge. And yet the good of the past never comes back to haunt you. Only the bad.

I'm so, so tired. I'm tired of figuring out this friendship and i'm tired of figuring you out.

I'm the one you will never miss. I'm the one who falls last in the numerical list of friends. I'm the one you don't think twice about hurting. The one who doesn't matter.

I'm not the one they call Heartless, after all.

Hold My Hand.

Sometimes you find the perfect song. The one that speaks volumes and says exactly what you feel.

"Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare

Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there"

I guess four months on, i'm still hurting.

Fun Fact # 2

I have some relationship issues.

And maybe thats why i always end up with someone who has bigger issues.

To feel like the normal one.

R We Dancer?

A holla from a crush from waybackwhen invoked a smile.

Nothing ever happened between us. I was so shy back then, even more so with someone i admired. We never even became proper friends- yes, thats how shy i was.

Which is why the slightest thing he does can invoke a smile from me, even now, years later.

We're such funny characters, us human beings. We tend to reserve a special place for the ones that we mould in our memories as great people. The kind we usually label as 'the one who got away'. And thats precisely why we do it. Because we know so little about the pitfalls of that particular person, we make up a story around the scratchless surface of that person's image to us. Throughout the years we grow fond of that memory and stash it away. And that person becomes 'special' to us. For no better reason than the fact that for a few stolen moments, he/she showed us an unblemished mirror to the good side.

And the people we do know. The ones we get to know. They become humanised. Because we've seen their bad sad. We've gotten angry, hurt, dissapointed by them. We see so much of our own darkness reflected in them. They become mere mortals, just like you and i. And so we neglect them. Their humanity makes them inferior, or at least on par with you, and that aura of idoltry weakens.

But we argue, to make it seem better, that we love a person only when we know every inch, every facet. That only then, is it true love.

I think i've yet to seen love then.

Fun Fact #1

I always thought i wasn't good enough for anybody.

Especially for you.

Naivete.

"Do you trust me?"


Flinch.

1.03.2011

Oh wow. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

I didn't think it'd hurt THIS much. And as much as i'd like to say i don't know why, i do. I fucking know EXACTLY what this is.

And this is not cool.

All my precious spiel about wanting nothing but the best, was all just BS now wasn't it?

Its like tonight, all those excuses of the past, the ones you made and the ones i made for you, unravelled. And you probably don't even know it.

I don't think you'll ever know how much you've hurt me. How much you're still hurting me. I think i know where i fall in the priority game. Its funny how i still treat you like you should matter.

You were always a selfish bastard. And i should've known better.

24.02.2011

7 weeks till the end.

That's how long i've got to savour whats left of the only life i've known the past 14 years. That of a student in a formal education system.

The past few months of my life have seen me drifting aimlessly. I seem to have lost some internal anchor that's been the only thing forcing my consciousness to stay put.

Everything i do seems almost inconsequential.

I'm trying to concentrate on whats left of my education. But that has never been able to hold me down for long. Blame it on the parental pressure to be an academic over-achiever all my life. I've always needed to escape school.


And maybe that's why debating has always been my 'thing'. Its academic enough to pull the wool over the parental eyes, and it's always been fun and exciting enough to hold my attention. But debating can no longer be my 'thing'. Its ending now. And i should really move on.

Talk of my future always leaves me nauseous. When i'm in these conversations i sound like i know exactly what i'm doing. And to a certain extent, i do. It doesn't mean i like it, and it sure as hell doesn't mean i'm looking forward to it.

Yet. Maybe entering that new phase of my life is exactly what i need. Transitions are always the hardest, and maybe thats just whats happening. I am transitioning into adulthood. I'll go kicking and screaming though, but i'll go.

Because i have to.

One year.

This day, exactly a year ago, was probably one of the most dramatic days fof my life. I still remember the feeling of ... actually, i don't even know what that feeling was. It was a mix of helpness and pain. And confusion. But it was a 360 turn in the evening, and thus it began.

There was the good, definitely. In some ways we still have and function in a way together that is rare and defies logic.

But fuck it. I was miserable a lot. The ramblings here prove that. I hid it all of course, but it hurt so much sometimes. When it was good, it was good. But you didn't make much effort to make it good more often, and i was somehow the brunt for trying.

So this is goodbye.

A year ago i thought i might've finally found happiness and stability. Today i realise happiness and stability was always mine, and if anything, it tethered on the edge with you.

You're a good person. Just a crap boyfriend. =)

And today i will remember how awesome i am. Just me.

p/s- I had a completely inappropriate way of celebrating this. Not that it was done TO celebrate today, lol. But since im single, i'd like to think its ENTIRELY apt ;)

Fuck Hope.

I've REALLY gotta start being a pessimist again. I'm too soft for my own good and thats not right.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So i'm taking my cake away now.

Cliche

Rejection muts be my middle name lah.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??

My fault. Had to learn that karma's a bitch in the most painful way possible i suppose.

Peyton Sawyer was right. People Always Leave.

Except her fictional skinny ass got Lucas and his baby. Dammit.

Courage? Epic. Fail.

So i did what i've been trying to avoid doing for more than a week now. Talk. And ask.

Well, i tried at least. Not my fault we didn't end up talking. I think?

Bah. I'll just go back to writing my songs.

Take My Hand.

Lead me. Tell me what to do now.

Its not just about my pride. Its about whats good for me. Its about making the right decisions.

I'm living my life right now in whatever way feels good. Morally hedonistic. Everything short, of course, of the one thing that i should do.

Talk.

Be real.

What happened to removing my running shoes? They came back on too fast. I'm trying to my level best, to toe the line and to find a balance, but its becoming so much harder. Which is ironic because its getting easier to live without you. And maybe thats what's scaring me.

Losing you.

Losing how i feel about you.

But everytime i want to pick up the phone, i remember that this isn't about me anymore. It shouldn't be me fighting to keep this. The only way this will work is if you want to fight for me.
And why should you? For the same reason i told you last year: Because I'm A Good Thing.

And dammit, i should be treated that way. And that's the only thing that has changed in the last month and a half. That i realise i deserve to be treated better.

But it hasn't changed that you're the only one i want to treat me that way.

2011.

Why do you have to be so damn handsome?

This is not cool. Its already hard as it is. Then you just had to look like that. Its weird enough that i had to resist the natural impulse to go and sit next you. Hold your hand. Have your arm around me. Natural impulses that took a bit to fight. And not having a goodnight hug. Whoa.

Why do you have to be so damn good looking????

2010.

Short recap of an eventful year.


1. Academic life- Got my grades up to a decent level, finally. Parents claim its because i gave up mooting. And slowed down on debating. Me thinks it was just the fact that i'm starting to understand how to answer exam questions.


2. Debates- After much, much heartbreak, i started making more finals, and finally making a clean sweep at Royals. Started coaching high school debates, which brought me closer to what my future role should be: developing debates. Did 4 different stints as a DCA, which was a lot of fun and hard work. I came into my own last year, truly.


3. Finances improved, but always fluctuated due to my reckless nature with money. But i now own quite a few pair of heels... and really, what else do you need in life? =D

4. I did a spot of travelling too! Bali for a vacation, and Africa for debates and a vacation. All this even with a passport fiasco! LOL. Internal travelling was also done, which was fun fun!



5. I have loved and lost. I learnt patience, understanding, pain, forgiveness and well, love. That perhaps it doesn't come in that movie package we all seem to think it should. But i've also realised that maybe i deserve those movie moments, if only they be fleeting. But most of all i deserve to be loved.

New Year's Resolution?

To live.

And to learn.