Scalpel, please.

I'm not sure if it was the combination of fasting and codeine, but Dima and I got high again. It was one of those legendary funny days where Dima and I just sat at a bench after class and laughed and acted silly.

After attempting to get started on our project papers (yay to my three paragraphs!), we headed to Shah Alam for ice kacang with Karth. Ron joined us and he made an amusing comment on how us girls were the law school version of Grey's Anatomy. I knew it was coming, but he said it anyway: that i was the Christina of the group.

I'm not sure why it should sound like an insult, but it feels like it is. Christina Yang's character isn't the one everyone likes. But she is the most successful one, being serious and deathly ambitious. I suppose i am not exactly dissimilar. I don't strive for popularity. Not in the regular sense at least. I'd rather be known for some skill than to be known for just being 'that really nice girl'. I won't say i'm deathly ambitious. I am somewhat ambitious, but i don't work as hard, or push myself the way Christina does. I believe i'm the kind of person who takes time out to smell the flowers. I don't spend my weekends in the law libary, though i sometimes i do spend my nights there. I maybe intimidating at times, but i swear i never do it knowingly. But i guess, the best part of Christina is how loyal she is to her friends, especially how she's always there for Meredith Grey. I hope that my friends think that of me, because i'd like to think that my friends can count on me for anything. Except changing their tyres of course. I'd call AAA for that =)

Besides, Christina gets left at the altar. But then, being soberly single is almost as bad now, isn't it?

Deeper.

Forgive me life, for i have sinned.

For the past few months, I've tried to deny and surpress the fact that i have emotions. Anything besides happiness and anger, i've denied myself from having. I've been living on two principles. First, that my life is adequate, so i need not create a fuss for every small drama in my life. Two, that i will seperate emotions from my daily decisions, and focus on rational thinking. I think i've been practicing the second principle for quite a huge chunk of my life, but somehow when it came to the important things, emotions always took control. So i decided to change.

And i've been doing fine. Or so i thought.

The turn of events of the past few days have unfortunately been a mess of emotions. The seams have been threatening to break free, and the emotional stronghold i've built is threatening to crumble. How appropriate that the trigger should be the same reason i wanted to be unemotional in the first place. I won't doubt that it's karma knocking on my door, but i really do believe that i've paid my dues. Far more than any pain that i've ever inflicted, intentionally or not.

Yes, i have ideals. Yes, i have principles. Yes, i know what i want. But does the world need to test me again and again?

I'm not sure i can keep holding on. I'm pretty close to giving it up completely. I'm close to giving all hope. And i really don't want to be that person. Bitter, cynical. Let that not be me.

I've decided that i won't stay and fight. I won't fight for something i'm not sure i want. I won't fight when i'm the only one who wants to. For once, i want somebody to fight for me. Because i'm worth it. I'd like to believe someday you'd see.

For now, i've got my shoes on. And i'm running away fast.