Pull Me Apart.

10.11 a.m.

Supposedly clearing up my college room for the CNY holidays, but i'm tapping into whatever substandard internet connection i can get at the moment.

Here's the truth.

I was handed the phone two days ago. By one of my best friends. Who cared enough to do it. Who cared enough about me to know that it's just gotta stop. And i argued back- it's casual, give me some time, i swear i'm not as invested in this as you think i am.

So why the heck am i sitting here wondering whats going on the very moment a promise falls through?

Why couldn't i just leave? Why couldn't i run away in the other direction -fast?

Cause i'm scared. I'm freakin' terrified.

I'm scared of what will happen. If i pull out too soon. Or if i keep holding on. Because once i do this, there's no turning back.

I'm scared of being completely alone. And right now, this fear consumes me more than ever.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want to be the idiot in this. I don't want to be the one left in pieces.

I wish i wasn't me for one second. I wish i wasn't this person who cared so much about everything and everyone, who believes that you should get what you give back.

But i guess the rest of the world doesn't believe in that. And here i am, the ultimate fool.

A Mark. A dent. A scratch?

I think being aware of world events and understanding the plight and suffering of those less fortunate is always a good thing. A bubble can sometimes equal to ultimate bliss, but apathy should never be the answer- thats how we got here in the first place.


I've always admired those ordinary men and women out there who care enough to do something about these things. My activist days may have been suspended for the time being, but that does not mean i care any less. Its just that the daily grind gets to you a little too much, and you stop making time for these things because you just do not have time. Which is why i truly admire people that stand up and do something.


But sometimes, certain things just make me wonder- are we making a difference with this?


I've always been taught by debate training, that you must always question : what do you hope to achieve out of the proposal? Doing something is all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day action taken should be to achieve something.

But here's the thing. Sometimes even that little bit you wanted, just doesn't happen.


I'm talking about the condemnation of Israel's action in the Gaza strip.


I came down for lunch one day and there was a huge banner for people to sign and write whatever message they want condemning the Israeli action. There were numerous signatures splashed across the banner, and oddly the first thing that came across this weird little head was: Geez. I bet half these kids don't even know where the Gaza Strip is.

But it's true, all they know is that:

a. We're Muslims/live in a Muslim country
b. Israel is a Jew state
c. Israel bomb innocent Palestinians.


A+B+C= Bad bad bad. Without uh, knowing the REAL situation? You know, the one where there isn't only one bad guy in the picture? Don't get me wrong though. I think whats going on at the Gaza Strip is a pathetic imitation of a justified war.


But back to the story. The said banner now hangs outside my college proudly. But um.... what exactly does this achieve? Will this make Isreal notice? Same goes with certain other 'actions' taken by organizations in M'sia. Will anything change with what you do?


The answer: Heck No.


Isreal, if it had an ounce of reason in it would have stopped already. We're dealing with not one, but two countries that seem to have almost disenfranchised themselves from their people and consumed with retaliation- they've probably forgotten what they were fighting for in the first place.


So your banners, your vigils, your writings. Nothing will change anything. Not there's anything that actually can be done to stop these fools from continuing to destroy whatever semblance of humanity that may exist there.


It's good to show that you care. By all means, do not stop doing it, thats not what i'm asking you to do. But here's my reality check for you:


Stop Kidding Yourself. The World Is Screwed.

I've forgotten how
The view from here
Regrets the light interfering
Admonishes the intrusion of anxiety
Only welcoming the calm
The chaos of silence



-I'm in the mood. Missing these sorta moments.