Priorities

They say the first step of curing yourself is to acknowledge the problem.

So i'm depressed. The signs point to mild clinical depression.

I'm trying to psych myself up for Australs. I fly off tomorrow after all. But i realized that the reason i don't want to debate, don't want to lead the team, don't even want to go to Korea, is because of the fact that my entire self-worth was crushed by one person. In less than 30minutes, he took away whatever self-worth i had. And i hear he isn't done.

I can't control what others want to think, and say about me. I can't control another's wrath.

But i can try to control the self-loathing i have of myself right now. It took a baby to take me out of the gloom. Thank you Zara Iman, for your mirth, joy, and pure innocence. Your unqualified affection snapped me out of it. I only wish that you would carry this miraculous ability to heal others throughout your life.

Tate told us at the workshop that him and Logan, his teammate, brought their father's briefcases with them to their rounds at the Australs where they made finals. It was to give themselves the sense of belonging, and to remind themselves that despite the high stakes, despite the sea of people who would look down on them, they mattered. There were people who thought the world of them, and the rest of the world has to now believe in them too.

So i'm going to make a list. A list of people who helped me through the worst week of my life, and a list of people who genuinely want to see me achieve things, and just to be happy. It might not be the longest list of people. But they're more than enough for me.

I'm going to carry that list with me to Korea. To remind me that at least for some people, i matter.