7.04.2011

Cracked mirrors, we are. Biased fragments of each other.

It came down to that ONE incident. Where, from thence on, it coloured the entire pseudo relationship we have. Had? I wished you'd have been able to see it from my side. Why i did it. You did something that made me feel so humiliated, degraded, worthless... and it came from someone who i cared deeply about, and should've cared for me almost as much. I had to talk to someone. I had to let it all out. To expect me to have kept it all in was a punishment crueler than the original act itself.

I had to let it out, and he was the best person. Perhaps it was a knee-jerk reaction. He was there. He was a good listener. But did you know why i did it? Because i trusted him. He was my friend and confidante; i was lost. He was a friend who knew i wasn't alright, and i had no strength to lie.

So forgive me for being so weak at that point. Forgive me for not being able to withstand the blow you dealt me that day. Alone.

I'd have thought you'd forgive me the way i've forgiven you for all the tears shed due to your callousness during the relationship. All the romantic expectations you crushed. The fear of being affectionate to the person i wanted to be affectionate the most with. The fact that i tried to please you, but to no avail. The fact that i tried to impress you, but to no avail. The willful ignorance of emotions. The constant questioning of my self-worth, my worth to you. One word: Selfishness.

I've been trying so hard now, to be good, to be good to you. But it doesn't matter, no road ahead do you want to forge. And yet the good of the past never comes back to haunt you. Only the bad.

I'm so, so tired. I'm tired of figuring out this friendship and i'm tired of figuring you out.

I'm the one you will never miss. I'm the one who falls last in the numerical list of friends. I'm the one you don't think twice about hurting. The one who doesn't matter.

I'm not the one they call Heartless, after all.