Dread. And the ilk.

Despair. Dissapointment. Rejection. Hopelessness. Heartbreak.

In my current state of mind, nothing beats the feeling of dread.

Because dread is a fear of the future. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is about to happen. When you don't know what will happen in the future, your mind tends to flip between two extremes (i) By imagining the worst possible scenario; and (ii) Lying to yourself and actually harbouring false hope- that things won't turn out the way you know they will.

I hate it when things are indefinite and are just hanging in limbo. A big part of me wants to get it over and done with- its easier to bite the bullet and deal with the hard stuff, and freakin move on with the rest of your life.

Yet there is a small part of me- the insecure, scared and fragile little girl- who might just be liking the fact that nothing is set in stone- Yet. She can hope, and she can try to change things, even though it might take nothing short of a miracle to change it.

But i still the bottom of my stomach still feels quesy.

Step 1

60 minutes of gardening burns 300 kcals

60 minutes of walking burns 200 kcals

90 minutes of football burns 600 kcals

45 minutes of dancing burns 450 kcals

1. I hate gardening. Its something to do with a childhood trauma that involves gigantic hairy red-eyed caterpillars. PASS!

2. Ok, walking sounds decent. I used to brisk walk around the lake in UM till exam period. Headphones on playing The Strokes- hell yeah. (My fave tho, was SUM41's With You)

3. Err. I don't plan on starting to play football, or even futsal. Forget 90mins, I think i might die on the field after 15 minutes. PASS!

4. YES YES YES YES YES! I love dancing, and i don't care if i look dumb! Oh, but the people dancing infront of the windowpane at California Fitness at MidV a bit extreme lah.

So step 1 is: Get my body into shape. Healthy and hot. Best combo to have.

Why music should come in vitamins that you can swallow.

Song No.1- The Obligatory 'I-Must-Have-A-Sad-Song-Cause-Then-That'd-Be-Denial'
James Morrison- Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to doI

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under
So i had to give in
Such a beautiful mess
That's breaking my skin
Well i'll hide all the bruises
I'll hide all the damage that's done
But show how i'm feeling
Until all the feeling has gone

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why
Why I can't explain why it's not enough

Song No.2: The Other Obligation- The Pick Me Up Song

Jason Mraz feat James Morrison- Details in the Fabric
You better listen to this song. Its aweeeeesomeeee!
(and my other song choice for this category was I Kissed A Girl, hehe)

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine Everything will be fine mmmhmm

Hang on Help is on the way
Stay strong I'm doing everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all Everything

Just words.

If words were as plain
As the paper they’re written on
It wouldn’t take much
To undo fleeting promises
And unbleed a heart

Scratch it deep
Whitewash
Tear it out
Start over
Fresh sheets

But you know- don’t you
Once they’ve left you
They run unbridled
Up and down the spine
Circuits that trigger
Explosions in the brain

So slow it down
Let the ink drip dry
Don’t bind those words-
From you
To me

No knife would be sharp enough
And then you’d know

Open. Close. Open. Close?

Its really, really sad when someone sits down in front of their computer to pen down their thoughts at 1 a.m cause they're down and they've just pretty much run out of people they can talk to with no shame. Because its a Monday night. And its 1a.m.

I think at one point or another, i hate letting new people into my life. I like the people i know, people whom i love and care and most importantly, been there for me. These people.. they've never promised me anything, but they've been there for me time and time again, and for that i am grateful.

A lot of kinds of people drift into life's journey. There's the above mentioned kind, the kinda that stick to you for a very long time. There's the kind tht come along for awhile, and then leave without incident by drifting apart. And then there are the ones that you remember. The ones that made their mark.

These 'special ones' are the ones that somehow get under your skin. One minute you're strangers, and the next you've developed a bond. And when they leave... they don't leave incident free. They leave you with scars, and things to ponder upon for a very very long time. They leave you asking a question that you wished you had sensibly asked yourself earlier:

"Why did i let him/her in?"

But you know the answer. You knew it all along. Its because you never saw it coming. And you never wanted to.

Oh don't worry. You'll make the same mistake again. You won't learn your lesson. Cause if you ever do, that just means you have officially lost faith in mankind and the bonds we make with each other. And that would make you a sad, sad human being. More pathetic than me writing at 1.30 a.m.

I may not be making much sense right now. But right now, this i believe truly- deep in my bones, and this i shall take to my bed tonight.

Goodnight, one and all.

There will always be a bump. Always

Things were starting to look up.

Mom got discharged from the hospital. The family was happy once again. Awesome news from my special someone. Won a Paris Hilton handbag. Results arent officially (read: its not in the mail addressed to my parents) out yet.

Then the other shoe dropped. The one that affected the whole nation.

Yes, the price of fuel has gone up.

While we are lucky that we've got the subsidy in place (the only subsidy i agree to because it is equal and not exclusive to a certain race), its a bit of a drastic and sudden change, that when analysed seems a little to rash and not properly executed. For a country that claims to protect the interests of the 'small' people and being a paternalistic state (though i doubt it will ever openly claim to being so), the so-called 'plan' kinda sucks. Rebates? By post order? WTF??

Its a classic of the rich, well not exactly getting richer(unless you work in oil and gas), but the poor definitely getting way poorer. Food, transport, entertainment.... i shudder to think about the effects. Funny how we produce fuel and yet get the same fate as everyone else.

But i suppose its part and parcel of living in the capitalistic world today. So what does the layman/woman do? They wait for things to get better.

__________________________________________________

By golly i sound like i'm always unhappy. I'm not, i promise!

Vay-kay?

I'm on the miserable side today.

For the first time ever since i've entered uni, i am on a proper semester break. Although i'm an RA (Research Assistant), and that in itself takes away some of time, its definitely more free time that i had last sem break, when i had to stay on campus for debate training and tournaments. Last semester, training started the day after my last paper, and i only came home from Thailand a week after the semester started. Yes, poor me.

The post-exams started out pretty ok. Actually it was quite fabulous, for a certain reason i shall not delve in here... but anyway. I was a little stressed from work, but at least i had the solace of returning home for some semblance of peace and quiet. I've actually had time to read and finish books these past few weeks, which is an accomplishment considering my dismal record since entering uni.

Not anymore.

My mom's unwell. Well, she has been unwell for awhile now, but she's thinking of admitting herself come tomorrow. Which means i have to takeover her duties. And to make matters worse, the whole family seems to be afflicted with some sort of sickness or another. Dad's in the grumpiest of grumpy moods cause he's sick, mom's a little bit cheerier, which means its up to me to be Miss Sunshine.

I'm stuck at home cause i haven't got much of an excuse to go out. I feel guilty just asking for permission to go out, and i know i'm gonna get an earful for even thinking about leaving the house while everyone's sick (i am now the healthiest member of the household).

Right now, i'd much rather be back at my residential college, back to the routine of spending weeknights and the occasional weekend there, instead of 24/7 here. I suppose i've gotten used to a certain lifestyle of freedom, of being able to go where i want, see who i want this past year. Not having that just makes me feel hemmed in, with no escape.

So i've got to keep it in for now. Keep in the fact that i'm miserable about my exams, miserable about missing someone, and miserable about being home all.the.time.