I don't belong here.

Colin: An oddity. I like that. Maybe I'll start referring to you as the oddity. Better than the hooker references*
Me : I always liked the term quirky better than oddity. Oddity makes me sound like a freak.
Colin: Quirky sounds nerdy though. You have a silliness quality about you that subverts nerdiness.
Me: I think quirky is nerdy too, but like in a cute way. And i'm not sure if being called silly is a compliment :p
Colin: Yeah. I'm not sure either

(excerpts of email conversations between Colin Stewart and myself)

I've just read a book review of a teenaged author who wrote about... well, teenagers. She said something about how teenagers are always struggling to fit in. To find themselves.

I don't think the struggle ends when you leave high school. I don't think it even ends at the end of your teenage years. I know i'm still sufferring from the above syndrome. Four years past high school, and two years into adulthood, and i'm still finding myself an oddity amongst the common. I've never been much to complain about it though. The label 'weird' has never bothered me much. I suppose that in itself makes me weird enough for the masses.

Yet, being different also leads to being alone. The chances of meeting people who either tolerate or find you fun is hard enough. Try finding someone who likes your weirdness. Chances? Next to zilch. And when you actually do, the usual trappings of relationships will come and mess things up.

So you end up where you began. Alone.

Best described by Radiohead's brilliant Freak. Enjoy.



*Hooker reference= Colin's way of saying that i'm a precious commodity that shouldn't sell herself short to any boy just cause i'm bored.

Badass!

There is a monkey in my backyard. No Colin, i'm not kidding. No Liz, you can't adopt it.

The monkey was raping the neighbourhood stray cats. I've never been fond of those cats. Ever. In fact, those cats have made me absolutely hate cats. But being raped like that... it's kinda hard not to feel sorry for those cats. The scariest thing was, a day after i came home, there was a carcass of a cat outside the window of my bathroom. It stank to high heavens, but it was obvious it had been murdered, and the cat had been hanging on to dear life to the pipes outside the window.

Stomach-roiling sickness.

So when i saw it today, that damn monkey staring at me whilst i was cooking, i gave it the finger first. Stop laughing, that was just my first reaction. I started then looking threateningly at it. As i moved closer, disregarding my own safety (cue dramatic Jaws music), i shouted at it. And it jumped away.

It returned shortly, absolutely curious with me now. But every time i went near he ran away, scared. Fear in his eyes. I asked my mom if it was scared of anyone. 'Only your dad', she said.

But now the monkey was also scared of me. ME. HAH! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID MONKEY!

(the point of the story: nothing really)

Yes. No. Um. Ah..?

Things i'm looking forward to in the next few months

1. Asian BP in Bangkok, Thailand

2. Recording

3. Deepavali

4. Study break

5. WUPID

6. Royals

Things i'm NOT looking forward to...

1. French finals

2. Project paper/thesis

3. Juris and PIL assignment

4. Debate training/ not having a holiday

5. Royals

Fullstop.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not give a damn.

I've gotten my closure. I'm not gonna add new drama. What would be the point?

My friends find it amusing that there's always some form of drama in my life. One of my besties Mirul would always start a catch-up conversation with the phrase "So what's the new drama?". And as much as i'd love to, my life doesn't disappoint.

Sorry Mirul, but i'm gonna try to stay out of it this time. I think i haven't put in much effort to be ordinary. I've always detested that word, but i'm gonna try to be vanilla from now on.

Collision.

People who know me best, know that i have a very low tolerance level for people who generally act indecisive, bimbotic (yes, fully aware of the non-existence of the word), imprudently, ingratefully and basically stupidly. I suppose one of the easiest way to tick me off is to behave in such a manner in front of me and you'll see me huffing and puffing.

But what irritates me more than that is when i fall into the same trap.


For example. It's 12.57a.m. I cannot sleep, eventhough i full well know that i have a full day tomorrow that begins at 9a.m. I'm a light sleeper and take quite a long time to fall asleep so i should just turn in now. But here i am.

What i am most irritated with right now though is the awful habit i have of being easily caught up with the smallest thing. I have the ability to obsess over something very quickly, and very furiously. I get so caught up, letting my emotions dictate my actions, and dropping the ball in the game. It sucks.

It sucks cause it's just not worth it. It sucks cause if i could just control myself, i'd probably be playing a better game and getting the results that i want. It sucks cause i become someone else. Someone i don't want to be, someone that even i'm disgusted with. It sucks because i can't help but make an effort when i want something.

And i want this. I'm not even sure why. It sure doesn't look good for me. But the one that does look good for me, the one that i actually have right in my palm, isn't even half as appetising. Kinda like veggies, really.

I have choices to make. Maybe not right now. But soon. And the way i'm behaving right now, i'm just so afraid i'll make the wrong ones. Dammit.

Scalpel, please.

I'm not sure if it was the combination of fasting and codeine, but Dima and I got high again. It was one of those legendary funny days where Dima and I just sat at a bench after class and laughed and acted silly.

After attempting to get started on our project papers (yay to my three paragraphs!), we headed to Shah Alam for ice kacang with Karth. Ron joined us and he made an amusing comment on how us girls were the law school version of Grey's Anatomy. I knew it was coming, but he said it anyway: that i was the Christina of the group.

I'm not sure why it should sound like an insult, but it feels like it is. Christina Yang's character isn't the one everyone likes. But she is the most successful one, being serious and deathly ambitious. I suppose i am not exactly dissimilar. I don't strive for popularity. Not in the regular sense at least. I'd rather be known for some skill than to be known for just being 'that really nice girl'. I won't say i'm deathly ambitious. I am somewhat ambitious, but i don't work as hard, or push myself the way Christina does. I believe i'm the kind of person who takes time out to smell the flowers. I don't spend my weekends in the law libary, though i sometimes i do spend my nights there. I maybe intimidating at times, but i swear i never do it knowingly. But i guess, the best part of Christina is how loyal she is to her friends, especially how she's always there for Meredith Grey. I hope that my friends think that of me, because i'd like to think that my friends can count on me for anything. Except changing their tyres of course. I'd call AAA for that =)

Besides, Christina gets left at the altar. But then, being soberly single is almost as bad now, isn't it?

Deeper.

Forgive me life, for i have sinned.

For the past few months, I've tried to deny and surpress the fact that i have emotions. Anything besides happiness and anger, i've denied myself from having. I've been living on two principles. First, that my life is adequate, so i need not create a fuss for every small drama in my life. Two, that i will seperate emotions from my daily decisions, and focus on rational thinking. I think i've been practicing the second principle for quite a huge chunk of my life, but somehow when it came to the important things, emotions always took control. So i decided to change.

And i've been doing fine. Or so i thought.

The turn of events of the past few days have unfortunately been a mess of emotions. The seams have been threatening to break free, and the emotional stronghold i've built is threatening to crumble. How appropriate that the trigger should be the same reason i wanted to be unemotional in the first place. I won't doubt that it's karma knocking on my door, but i really do believe that i've paid my dues. Far more than any pain that i've ever inflicted, intentionally or not.

Yes, i have ideals. Yes, i have principles. Yes, i know what i want. But does the world need to test me again and again?

I'm not sure i can keep holding on. I'm pretty close to giving it up completely. I'm close to giving all hope. And i really don't want to be that person. Bitter, cynical. Let that not be me.

I've decided that i won't stay and fight. I won't fight for something i'm not sure i want. I won't fight when i'm the only one who wants to. For once, i want somebody to fight for me. Because i'm worth it. I'd like to believe someday you'd see.

For now, i've got my shoes on. And i'm running away fast.