Fullstop.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not care.

I will not give a damn.

I've gotten my closure. I'm not gonna add new drama. What would be the point?

My friends find it amusing that there's always some form of drama in my life. One of my besties Mirul would always start a catch-up conversation with the phrase "So what's the new drama?". And as much as i'd love to, my life doesn't disappoint.

Sorry Mirul, but i'm gonna try to stay out of it this time. I think i haven't put in much effort to be ordinary. I've always detested that word, but i'm gonna try to be vanilla from now on.

Collision.

People who know me best, know that i have a very low tolerance level for people who generally act indecisive, bimbotic (yes, fully aware of the non-existence of the word), imprudently, ingratefully and basically stupidly. I suppose one of the easiest way to tick me off is to behave in such a manner in front of me and you'll see me huffing and puffing.

But what irritates me more than that is when i fall into the same trap.


For example. It's 12.57a.m. I cannot sleep, eventhough i full well know that i have a full day tomorrow that begins at 9a.m. I'm a light sleeper and take quite a long time to fall asleep so i should just turn in now. But here i am.

What i am most irritated with right now though is the awful habit i have of being easily caught up with the smallest thing. I have the ability to obsess over something very quickly, and very furiously. I get so caught up, letting my emotions dictate my actions, and dropping the ball in the game. It sucks.

It sucks cause it's just not worth it. It sucks cause if i could just control myself, i'd probably be playing a better game and getting the results that i want. It sucks cause i become someone else. Someone i don't want to be, someone that even i'm disgusted with. It sucks because i can't help but make an effort when i want something.

And i want this. I'm not even sure why. It sure doesn't look good for me. But the one that does look good for me, the one that i actually have right in my palm, isn't even half as appetising. Kinda like veggies, really.

I have choices to make. Maybe not right now. But soon. And the way i'm behaving right now, i'm just so afraid i'll make the wrong ones. Dammit.

Scalpel, please.

I'm not sure if it was the combination of fasting and codeine, but Dima and I got high again. It was one of those legendary funny days where Dima and I just sat at a bench after class and laughed and acted silly.

After attempting to get started on our project papers (yay to my three paragraphs!), we headed to Shah Alam for ice kacang with Karth. Ron joined us and he made an amusing comment on how us girls were the law school version of Grey's Anatomy. I knew it was coming, but he said it anyway: that i was the Christina of the group.

I'm not sure why it should sound like an insult, but it feels like it is. Christina Yang's character isn't the one everyone likes. But she is the most successful one, being serious and deathly ambitious. I suppose i am not exactly dissimilar. I don't strive for popularity. Not in the regular sense at least. I'd rather be known for some skill than to be known for just being 'that really nice girl'. I won't say i'm deathly ambitious. I am somewhat ambitious, but i don't work as hard, or push myself the way Christina does. I believe i'm the kind of person who takes time out to smell the flowers. I don't spend my weekends in the law libary, though i sometimes i do spend my nights there. I maybe intimidating at times, but i swear i never do it knowingly. But i guess, the best part of Christina is how loyal she is to her friends, especially how she's always there for Meredith Grey. I hope that my friends think that of me, because i'd like to think that my friends can count on me for anything. Except changing their tyres of course. I'd call AAA for that =)

Besides, Christina gets left at the altar. But then, being soberly single is almost as bad now, isn't it?

Deeper.

Forgive me life, for i have sinned.

For the past few months, I've tried to deny and surpress the fact that i have emotions. Anything besides happiness and anger, i've denied myself from having. I've been living on two principles. First, that my life is adequate, so i need not create a fuss for every small drama in my life. Two, that i will seperate emotions from my daily decisions, and focus on rational thinking. I think i've been practicing the second principle for quite a huge chunk of my life, but somehow when it came to the important things, emotions always took control. So i decided to change.

And i've been doing fine. Or so i thought.

The turn of events of the past few days have unfortunately been a mess of emotions. The seams have been threatening to break free, and the emotional stronghold i've built is threatening to crumble. How appropriate that the trigger should be the same reason i wanted to be unemotional in the first place. I won't doubt that it's karma knocking on my door, but i really do believe that i've paid my dues. Far more than any pain that i've ever inflicted, intentionally or not.

Yes, i have ideals. Yes, i have principles. Yes, i know what i want. But does the world need to test me again and again?

I'm not sure i can keep holding on. I'm pretty close to giving it up completely. I'm close to giving all hope. And i really don't want to be that person. Bitter, cynical. Let that not be me.

I've decided that i won't stay and fight. I won't fight for something i'm not sure i want. I won't fight when i'm the only one who wants to. For once, i want somebody to fight for me. Because i'm worth it. I'd like to believe someday you'd see.

For now, i've got my shoes on. And i'm running away fast.

The Ancients.

That's what Yana calls us.

Basically, we're the friends who've known each other for the longest period of time. We met in primary school.
Left- right: Annur, Mirul, Myself and Yana


Last Sunday, we had our annual gathering of sorts. It wasn't my birthday this year (cause my birthday, as Mirul puts it, is THE event of the year for gathering up all of us lost folk), cause two of em couldn't make it. So, for Yana's birthday, i decided to round up the bunch.

It was such a hilarious walk down memory lane. We were crazy kids, and now we're crazier adults, albeit all of us have been able to pull off some semblance of adulthood. And pretty well at that. I'm pretty proud of this circle of friends. We've all achieved so much, and we're well on our way to becoming outstanding citizens.



I want to tell you a little about my friends, in no particular order.

First, there's Yana. This woman always gives me a guilt trip around her birthday. She doesn't have to say or do anything, but i feel guilt cause i either forget, or am not able to give her a present (she spent 3 years in Oz). But she somehow, someway, gets me a present for my birthday. I have this cross-stitch thingy on my wall that she made for my 21st. Yes, she is that awesome of a friend. She's incredibly brilliant too, being one of the top SPM scholars of the country (she never told me, i had to see it in the newspaper- that's how humble she is). But most of all, she's a quirky, funny, loyal and incredibly sweet person. And now she's a corporate be-yotch! Complete with a name card, haha.

Then there's Annur. My first bestfriend ever. We lost touch for a few years when she moved away, but through the wonders of the internet, we are now in touch. And boy, has she changed from a tomboy who used to run around in shorts and frizzy hair to the hawt young lady telling me to put on a dress! A doctor-in-training AND a marathon runner- please tell me how much more can she impress? Northern Ireland may be your home now Ann, but i know your heart will always be in Wangsa Maju! =D

And of course, not forgetting one my bestest friend, Mirul. From primary school till high school, we were almost inseperable. I guess our friendship is one of the oddest cause we're just so different. But i think in terms of our ideals, we're the same, and that's why we've been there for each other so many times. I am so very proud that he's achieved his dream of becoming a pilot, because more than anyone else, he has wanted this. I have never seen so much passion and dedication in my life, and whatever he's got in his life now, he deserves it. He's a total sweetheart of a guy, i really would like to pimp him out, but the poor boy refuses! He cares about me enough to pimp me out to his fellow pilots though, lol. That's one flaw though- his bad taste in the boys he tries to set me up with, haha.






Accountant-turned-some-corporate-thingy, Doctor, Pilot, and Lawyer

Ch-ch-changes

If you know me, this wouldn't be so random.

Yes, i got sick of the old layout. So i changed it. I didn't like any of the other layouts though. They were too.. blog-ish. Yes, duh. But i was looking for something that looks more suitable for prose, but i realised that if that's what i wanted, i should be looking elsewhere. So i chose the one that irritated me the least.

I've also changed my URL, yet again. I need my privacy when i write, and fear no repecussions. I've been the victim of such a situation, where my words were used against me. I believe that people who take your words out of context and manipulate them out of their intended meaning are scum. If you're not a debater using it in a debate, you're scum.

Speaking of scum. Tell me how can i not be disillusioned by so-called leaders who can't stand up for our rights keep making policies that burden the man on the street? Is this what leadership means to you? I'd rather the one fighting you, than being just like you.

Reality Check

In the last debate session i had, i kept saying "But Mr. Speaker, reality check". I'm not sure at what point my usually very serious debating style turned into bimbo-speak. Where art Thou, sophistication?

______________

Here's the reality check for my life:

1. Financial Status- absolutely depressing. I effin need to get paid!! I feel like an exploited Chinese sweatshop worker =(

2. Love life- still single. Cleaning up the mess of which i might have created, but i wish i was a little more heartless so that i could be blunt and get people to move on from something that never was. I'm not though, and funnily enough, in the process of trying not to get others hurt, i get emotionally distressed.

3. Friendships- i hate being in a fight, for the lack of a better word. As much as this might sound one-sided because it is only my side, i have done nothing wrong, thus i won't apologize. I believe that even if i did do something wrong, i should be told what it was, instead of being accused vaguely once and then given the silent treatment. Most of all, i hate dealing with immaturity. As a side note, Rob is leaving tomorrow. I'm gonna miss the outings, and the conversations with someone so different from my usual social circle. That last karaoke session was bittersweet.

4. Education- last semester's CGPA was less than stellar. I hate underperforming. It's probably due to a lifetime of being above average without trying too hard. Now i'm actually working for it, with nothing to show, and it is just so.damn.frustrating.

5. Music- had to cancel an open mic engagement last minute. Dima wasn't up for it, and i wasn't gonna do it alone. I guess i'm still afraid of being up there alone with my music.


1+2+3+4+5= Ok laaa... Life ain't that bad now, innit?