Keep Talking In Circles.

"Where do we go from here?"

I've never believed in ignoring things and sweeping them under the carpet. And this is a lot of shit we're trying to hide under the carpet. Even if the storm has settled. Even if the pressure cooker is now turned off.

There's still a huge mess.

The question is do we want to go back to what we were? Or superficial acquiantances like we are right now? The former requires us to sort through all the shit thats happened. The latter, well nothing.

Only time.

Priorities

They say the first step of curing yourself is to acknowledge the problem.

So i'm depressed. The signs point to mild clinical depression.

I'm trying to psych myself up for Australs. I fly off tomorrow after all. But i realized that the reason i don't want to debate, don't want to lead the team, don't even want to go to Korea, is because of the fact that my entire self-worth was crushed by one person. In less than 30minutes, he took away whatever self-worth i had. And i hear he isn't done.

I can't control what others want to think, and say about me. I can't control another's wrath.

But i can try to control the self-loathing i have of myself right now. It took a baby to take me out of the gloom. Thank you Zara Iman, for your mirth, joy, and pure innocence. Your unqualified affection snapped me out of it. I only wish that you would carry this miraculous ability to heal others throughout your life.

Tate told us at the workshop that him and Logan, his teammate, brought their father's briefcases with them to their rounds at the Australs where they made finals. It was to give themselves the sense of belonging, and to remind themselves that despite the high stakes, despite the sea of people who would look down on them, they mattered. There were people who thought the world of them, and the rest of the world has to now believe in them too.

So i'm going to make a list. A list of people who helped me through the worst week of my life, and a list of people who genuinely want to see me achieve things, and just to be happy. It might not be the longest list of people. But they're more than enough for me.

I'm going to carry that list with me to Korea. To remind me that at least for some people, i matter.

I can't feel anything. I can't concentrate. I can't eat. I feel like just curling up in bed. Or dying.

I am ashamed that i feel this way. I am ashamed that i thought today as i was driving that maybe i should just get into an accident. Because that would be better than right now.

But i can't. I thank god that through this veil of darkness i still recognise that i owe people to do what i need to do now. Because i honestly would leave, if that option was one that wouldn't be unfair to other people.

I know i'm wrong. And i've tried. I suppose i'm still trying. But its not working. Not that it should. Its unfair for me to expect that it should. I need to deal with the consequences of my actions.

And the consequence feels like a noose tightly wrapped around my neck. The things said to me in such contempt might as well been substituted for a knife or a bottle of pills. And i guess i deserved them. And if i deserved them, then whats the point of my existance anymore?

Building/Stumbling Blocks

Murphy. You loveeee me dontcha. Every opportunity you get. An example i am. I'm used to your games. But my freakin' graduation? Not cool Murphy. Not cool.

___________________________________________________

So i decided to say fuck it and move on, because there isn't much i can do it about it. Moping around ain't gonna help. So i channelled all my energy into ICRC. In a dramatic turn of events that saw me having to again, take out someone close to me, stress vomitting, breking first unexpectedly- we made finals. And lost it. So close. Bugger. One more open tourney finals lost.

Oh well. Dr. C did say, "This tournament, all i want is for you guys to work on your manner." I hope we did that too.

_____________________________________________________

So my former editor, SufSaf, bestowed upon me the responsibility and faith in a civil society project, UndiMalaysia. I've always wanted to be involved in such projects, but my father's lack of faith in my ability to not get kicked out by uni admins kinda put a fullstop to that.

I gave Sufsaf quite the grilling about the project when he asked me. I think that caught him off-guard a little, but reassured him that he was making the right decision.

He made by day, by these typed sentences:

"btw do u know why i thought of you first to recruit into the team? because you write beautifully. among friends, i've never seen better writing. so yes, that's why. n no i'm not sweettalking here, u know im not like that. there's that element of sarcasm and wit in your writing which i crave to have in mine"

Its been too long since i made a mark with my writing. Perhaps its time i go back.

_______________________________________________________

Could i be more confused about my life?

Closing Time.

So. Here it is. The end of my 21 years of education. The LLB(Hons) 2nd Class Upper.

Couldn't be prouder of myself.

No, not for the fact that i finally got to achieve the highest possible graduation standard in my class (no first classes in my batch, rofl), but the fact that i did it whilst experiencing uni life. Whilst i broadened my boundaries and deepened my thoughts. Finally stretching my wings and experiencing things most people did before turning 21.

The journey has been bittersweet, but i've never been one to grudge the bitter parts of life. Perhaps this is always said in hindsight of stability status quo.

I never got to fully 'celebrate' though. I had to move out of my dormitory, move in somewhere else, train, and whoosh- i was on a plane to Macau. The debating kinda hurt. It took a massive toll on me to try to cover so many problems with my other teammates, whilst trying to improve my own performance, because i knew i wasn't doing as well as i know i could. I don't think i've ever spontaneously burst into tears at a break announcement the way i did at Macau. It was just too.damn.close.

Despite all that. Despite the internal and external drama. I came home to the best news i could've ever presented myself.

I realized i was over him.

As i hung up the phone after we spoke for more than an hour when i got back, i realised at that moment that i don't feel the same way anymore. Yes, i love him, and care about him. But love, as i have just realised, is just an emotion. Like happiness, sadness, anger.. its a pure emotion. What clouds things are the nature of relationships, and the externalities that plague us and confuse us.

So i suppose, for as random as the reason i fell for him, i fell out of his hold on me. And God, it feels great to feel free.

Step 1 into adulthood. Check.

30.04.2011

Collective sentiment of today:


BUT I WANT A BOY TOO =(


Oh, and exams season sucks. Big time.

Re-Start.

I'm not sure WHAT exactly possessed me to open my friendster account today. Supposed studying gone wrong i guess.

The best part, and why i haven't closed down the damn account, is cuz of some of the testimonials written about me. Real pick-me-ups, on a day where it is much needed.

PaulineSep 17 2005, 09:18 AM

This girl is the scariest girl i've ever met. ( That something, considering I am taller than her, by, like a whole feet.)
She sings ( WOW,like!) she debates (kicked my sorry ass too) she writes
( I mean, like really well.)
she told this absolute bitch of a teacher off ( I did that too... this teacher is intolerable) and she has just been made Editor!!!
So, see what i mean?
She is also a great kid( haha. Like lah I so old.) and all round sweetie.
keep her on your friends list, and read her blog... its a hoot!
So, here's to Tharishini, sweet 'freshie' extraordinaire!!!!

LaiNeSep 12 2005, 07:09 AM

hey tharish! i finally remember to write u a testi..sorry for the delay.. =P
this gurl is a best friend of mine since form 1!! let me count...yeah, arond 6 years! she's really sweet and nice, and will be there for you anytime.she's kinda mature..erm..ehhe, as in her..thinking, and decision making. rite tharish? ^.-
sides that..tharish
*is good in singing (yeah!)
*pro in english!! ( at least she's able to correct my grammar mistakes!)
*ELEGANT.
well...too many...i can't finish it la tha..to be continued...k?! ^,- that's all for now!

JacQueLineSep 10 2005, 02:50 PM

hey there ... know this gal for months d but never drop ya testi before , so im here gonna drop ya here ... haha , sorry a ( eh , but you also didnt drop me also mar) haha ... at the begining , not very close with her ... but now , kinda close ... with "ice kacang , ice kacang" ... haha ... aih , too bad ... thought wanna intro her to some of my guys-friend ... now no need d lu , haha ... glad you had found "him" ... cherish both of you o ... ganbateh in your exam , im sure you will ... haha ... chiaoz ...

-jAcQnChRisT ... eNdLeSs loVe-

SatyaMay 14 2004, 11:07 AM

what can i say about tharish... she's
smart, funny, n witty. strong advocate
of gender equality. yeah, n 1ce she
developes n opinion, she sticks 2 it
(especially about a certain
shieldmaiden of rohan;P). we're both
self-confessed lotr nuts. n i din' noe
u liked john mayer. that makes 2 of us
as well (although, i'm not exactly
crazy about him la). all the best in ur
spm... we should definatey meet up
afterwards. in the mean time... peace!

Ryan KayFeb 29 2004, 01:24 PM

this gal and me always bitchin each
other in skool!!! my personal secratary
hahahahah. i miss her lot!! great
person to chill and hang out with
actually ponteng kelas!!!!! umm she a
very garang if triger her. whut do i
like about her is always ry to be
cute.. TAK COMEL PON!!!! hahahahah. one
of my old friend back in skool i know
her mother also... heeh tak habis habis
ask me to put her face in the skool mag
and ask me weather she look like
kajol!!! hahaahah i miss ur mom such a
nice women and funny too. love her
loads. ummm miss skool days!!! whut
ever it is u are one of my closetest
friends. chow gal. keep it movin and
shake that boobs ops botty hahah.

MekZSep 21 2005, 10:01 AM

hello! ahahahaa...i'm here to pollute this place. yes, pollute.

i just have a few words for you.

WORK WORK WORK!!!

lol, yes people, this is the new editor of an almost non-existant *i feel so bad for labeling it thus but it is a fact, most unfortunately of course* editorial. BUT! we're fighting for it! we are! or at least, i handed over the sceptre to her not too long ago and she's leading the army into the battlefield......

ok, lets not go into bloody details. ;)

she's great great great. hmm. already taken, so i can't really 'promote' her hmm? and i'll take my MUET teacher's word for it that she's great as a debater. singing? i haven't heard that yet...you, *points a finger* could use that as publicity! lol

what am i doing. no work talk. ok

anyway, she's one heck of a force to be reckoned with on the debate stage *horror!* so i wouldn't get on her bad side...hmm?

good luck with everything ok!

rAbbit dArLinGNov 03 2005, 01:40 AM

hallo...RICHIE tharish..she is my exschoolmate,,but in d same college..her english malay
language...always top 1..emm i think if ask her to practice french,spanish...she also can la,,,,itu bisala...kan tharish?kat skola dulu ...pun top debater,...dun mess up with her..if u dont hav facts..just keep quiet....if not u hancur!jk ony..eh tharish ..u r in a relationship huh??/y i dont know one..one day we meet up..then u tell me ur story ok??n yah she is very determine!!!so continue to rock the whole school yeah!!!

AmeliAOct 30 2005, 04:27 PM

hey girl...
at last...d long awaited testimonial has arrived...hehe...
*cheers* 2 d sweetest girl i know...& tht comes straight from d heart...
she's jus a gem 2 hv s a fren...& my god i jz love her voice...*PPL U HV 2 HEAR HER SING !!!* she's also 1 of d best debaters i knw...my hats go off 2 u girl 4 bein able 2 do wat u do...& jz bein u... she is 1 determined person & it helps alot hvin her bringin u back down 2 earth when ur freakin out...1 very gr8 example would b d KTJ debates...*tht was so screwed up *...but thank u so much...it was n experience...anyways, u take good care girl...i'm glad i had d oppurtunity 2 go walk down 1 of lives winding roads wit u...frens 4 eva...
luv u 2 bits...~muax~
catch u around in coll...
*btw, Happy Deepavali*

JacQueLineOct 29 2005, 03:19 PM

h e y . . . . . . . .

haha , nothing much ... hehe ...

just to kacau you only , hehe ...

this girl is my classmate .. haha ...

she's very good in debating ... her eng was extremely good ... compare with me , just a piece of shit ... haha ...

she's nice , caring & friendly girl BUT too bad , no chance d ... haha ... if you get to know her longer then you will know the real of her ....

PaulDec 08 2005, 12:22 PM

aiyar got so many testi also still want my one. Ok la Ok la gif u la

Tharishni struck me first as a insufferable little know it all, full of energizer bunny energy.

Beneath that appearance of a over enthusiastic person is a calm, level headed, cool and sensitive girl with emotions.

She has been my best team mate fer the debates she and of course our fren alvin cast alongside. We are the three mosquitoes.

Still my "si - fat" no matter what team proton-ge u want to call urself ekekekek but like the "si fat" it is an integral part of my life, an important piece in my life, si fat or not, those good days we had will be my most memorable moments in college.

We ROCK!!!!

'VeEsA'Jan 18 2006, 05:10 AM

HeY GuRL...I JuSt HaD To DrOp By AnD TeLL YoU ThiS...YOU ARE AN AMAZING SINGER! GoD DaMn...U ArE LikE So TaLeNtEd! LoVe ThE MuSiC...LoVe ThE LyRiCs! WhAtEveR U DoiN RiTe NoW...DonT EvEr StOp TiLL I HeAr U On Da RaDio...HeHe!

AlphonseFeb 23 2006, 10:05 AM

"Well, if you've got a-one-in-a-million girl don't let her get away; 'cause the next one-in-a-million girl is a million girls away..."

CherryDec 27 2006, 12:13 PM

ooooooooooh so there's tharishni the petite chick with the big voice ey? =) thank yewwww for the compliment, drama's my passion. well same to u despite knowing lotsa big shots already(according to ur pics) i even wana see you beyond whatever u've achieved cos u'd go far,really really far.that song was sung beautifully and hey, i used to sing that on stage.so hope u dont mind me being a lil jakun.like arrh that song!!wah that girl can sing! =D thumbs up,gal. all the best and who knows? we'd work closely in the near future!=D