Growth

Tell me that my songs
have never encroached upon
some semblance of sanity
reflected on an emblem of war
you've dclared against me

Tell me that my words
Once esteemed and pedestel bound
Have been uncrowned-
Found uncouth in your new scheme

Tell me that my deeds
Are now mud and soot upon your shoulders
Past any virtuos intent,
Over the bridges of common courtesy
Beyond the border of propriety.

Check your conscience at the door
Remove what may be mistaken for regret-
Then tell me the above truths
Proper guilt should follow- befitting
Only in your direction

What I Learnt In 27 Hours

27 hours of travel. Go figure.

1. The experience of listening to the intro (where the guitars and and drums are just banging furiously in beautiful harmony) of Coldplay's Politik whilst the plane runs really fast across the tarmac and lifts off is just amazing. I don't know how to describe it. Its just this mad rush that makes you feel so alive.

2. I used to love traveling. I used to love flying. Until i spent 8 hours, then 17 on a Qatar Airways flight. Now i'm a lot more sceptical. Travel is great, but i don't think i'll look forward to it the way i did before.

3. I cannot study on planes. Or in airports. I may be able to read some fiction, but that is it.

4. Not all airports in the world have expensive food. Some have standard prices. And then there's Doha where regular fries are around RM15.

5. Travelling with friends can be fun. But there's just so much you can talk about. It might, at times, come down to a discussion about bodily functions you thought you'd never have with each other.

6. I cannot eat, and then sleep while flying. Nausea ensues. It never came down to actually using the barf bag, thank god.

7. I need to learn to not be so shy when i need food. Then i might actualy get Doritos with salsa.

8. Apparently there is no difference between being a lacto-ovo vegetarian and a normal one. I still get fruit for desert, instead of some scrumptious cake, etc.

9. There is a variety of ways to keep you occupied in the airport. Duty free is 90% of it.

10. I suck at math.

11. I like kids, as much as try to deny it. And they love me back. It's a win-win, as long as they're not mine.

The Madness

... does not affect me much.

I've been staying over at a friend's place with the 3 other bah kut tehs, and i seem to be the one most relaxed, chilled and the one getting sleep at regular hours. Yes, we are all cramming for our exams. Sigh.

Now, i'm not sure if my habit is a good thing. I'm pretty sure that putting in that extra crazy effort must be done in the last 48 hours before the paper. I'm sure it's a good thing.

So tell that to my body.

I have to get my food. I have to get my sleep. I have to take breaks to relieve my boredome. I have to talk to my friends at occasion about non-study related stuff.

It' s how i've functioned throughout my life, and i know there should always be a time to change. But this just reminds me of the last time i went bowling. See, I throw my balls like a caveman. I knock down 9 pins in one throw. But my friends kept telling me i should learn how to throw proper. So i tried and kept doing the fabulous move called the gutter ball. I hate losing. So i went back to what works: the caveman move.

So this is why i'm gonna stick to my own moves for now.

Good luck for exams peeps. And if you do get a peek at the questions, do holla ;D


P/S- I'm just hoping no future employer sees this. Cause i'm pretty sure i'd get a big fat stamp on my application that says: LAZY.

Swoop in.

It's been awhile. And for the same reasons why it's been awhile, this will have to be quick.

WE WON JESSUP! WE FREAKIN' WON THE MALAYSIAN NATIONAL ROUNDS!!!!!!

Ok. Now that's out of the system. I'll be leaving for D.C on the 19th, and the competition will be from 22nd-28th March. Then it's 3 days in New York, baby.

After years and years of having my life influenced by American pop culture, i will finally step foot on the same soil that has, in some ways, shaped the kind of person i am. Damn you, western influences (says this while wearing t-shirt that says FBI and drinking coca-cola).

Pray for us. Heck, pray for me, that i won't get eaten alive by scary judges.

Oh, and cute boys. If you can pray i get granted some of that, i'd be happy too =)

P/S- I <3 my team mates.

The Inevitable

Fact: Everyone complains about getting older.

Fact: So have I.

Fact: But what about getting younger?

As corny as it is for me to talk about a Brad Pitt movie, the Curious Case of Benjamin has had me thinking these past few days. Maybe because of the coincidence in time of me watching it- i've just turned 22, but maybe getting younger all the time might not be such a good idea. I've met people across life's journey who are of an age where you'd expect a certain level of maturity from them. Yet the maturity displayed can at times be shocking- i know it's all about being young at heart and all, but really, should all the time you've spent on this earth be not be used for anything?

Turning older can, at times, suck ass. I suppose anyone who has gone through being 22 will admit that it gets scary hereonafter. 22 becomes 23 becomes 24..... Yeah. I think John Mayer encapsulates this feeling so well in Stop This Train.

"So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun"

But do i really want to be younger? I'm not so sure. There's a certain novelty about being young, or at least being younger than the average age in the room.

Well, there's nothing that we can do about huh? Let's at least make the time we've spent worth it today.

_________________________________________________

V-Day.

Never celebrated.

This year's the same.

The loneliness never ceases. But this year it's amplified by the people around me. Not because everyone's couply and all lovey dovey. But because everyone's the same.

And loneliness strikes the heart more piercingly when it finds it echoed so loudly around it.

Indulge Me In Frivolity

. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

I will not tag anyone in this. I'm doing this with Hannah for fun...

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Island in the Sun (Weezer)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Counting Down the Days (Natalie Imbruglia). Buahahaha- means i haven't met a guy i liked?

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Photobooth (Death Cab For Cutie). I suppose all the bday pictures?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Take Your Time (Shayna Zaid). Hahahaha

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Creep (Radioahead)// hahahha :p

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Silence is Easy (Starsailor)// I talk to much??...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Details in the Fabric (Jason Mraz ft James Morrison)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Warning Sign (Coldplay)- Anxiety much, Tharish?

WHAT IS 2+2?
Julia (Our Lady Peace)//

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Volcano (Damien Rice)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Two Days in February(Goo Goo Dolls)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Wonderwall (Oasis)- Guess even the Ipod won't tell me my future....

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
A Lack of Color (Death Cab For Cutie)- Yes, i wanna be fairer..... LOL

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
PDA (We Just Don't Care) John Legend- HAHAHA

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)- Hahahaha. Yes, i use them all

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Here In My Room (Incubus)- Dancing to the perfect makeout song? Oookayyy...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
On Call (Kings of Leon)- HAHAHAHAHA. I never will die in peace huh?

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Waiting on the World to Change (John Mayer)- Buahahaha!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Beautiful World (Carolina Liar)- Awww...

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Say (John Mayer). Err...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Juicebox (The Strokes)// Death by...Juice??

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Be My Husband (Nina Simone and Damien Rice). Ah, all those marriage proposals i turned down...

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
American Boy (Kanye and Estelle).

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Long Day (Matchbox Twenty)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Cheers Darlin' (Damien Rice)- Nice. Except u know, i don't wanna be singing this song instead.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Salute Your Solution (The Racontuers)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
You're So Gay (Katy Perry). HAHAHAHA. Yes, i have been known to attract the girls as well...

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Shape (Sugababes). Yes lah, i wouldn't have gotten so fat...

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Right to be Wrong (Joss Stone)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Closer (Travis)

Pull Me Apart.

10.11 a.m.

Supposedly clearing up my college room for the CNY holidays, but i'm tapping into whatever substandard internet connection i can get at the moment.

Here's the truth.

I was handed the phone two days ago. By one of my best friends. Who cared enough to do it. Who cared enough about me to know that it's just gotta stop. And i argued back- it's casual, give me some time, i swear i'm not as invested in this as you think i am.

So why the heck am i sitting here wondering whats going on the very moment a promise falls through?

Why couldn't i just leave? Why couldn't i run away in the other direction -fast?

Cause i'm scared. I'm freakin' terrified.

I'm scared of what will happen. If i pull out too soon. Or if i keep holding on. Because once i do this, there's no turning back.

I'm scared of being completely alone. And right now, this fear consumes me more than ever.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want to be the idiot in this. I don't want to be the one left in pieces.

I wish i wasn't me for one second. I wish i wasn't this person who cared so much about everything and everyone, who believes that you should get what you give back.

But i guess the rest of the world doesn't believe in that. And here i am, the ultimate fool.