Best. Compliment. Ever.

A rather senior, well respected Singaporean debater said this to me yesterday:

'U have a natural talent at persuasion. Very rare. Wen u speak ppl listen their not looking at ur chest anymore. Tats very very rare in hot speakers.'

Double compliments. Made my week.

Stack 'em up.

The transition hasn't been easy. But it wasn't as hard as i thought it'd be.

Maybe because i had things to do with my time. Maybe because i have amazing friends. Maybe it was the much needed cathartic overnight session that had more than me letting it out. Maybe because the girls that i initially were skeptical of (and i'm sure they were skeptical of me too), turned out to be the blessings in disguise that i needed- seeing me through their eyes was what i needed. Ego boost perhaps, the adoration. But a much needed one.

I won't lie. I think about how it used to be. And i begrudge how somethings now have become a hurdle. But it's for the best i think. At some point, it would've hurt too much, and letting go later would just make things worse. For me. Which was why i acted selfishly. For once, in this cycle, i wanted to think of my future, earnestly this time.

It doesn't hurt anymore now. And knowing that gives me the kind of power over my life that i haven't had in awhile. Its made me lighter.

On a different note, i won the Cheeseman Essay Competition. On my first try, funnily enough. And it was at a time when i probably needed the win for three reasons:

1. Way too many losses- Australs, Wira... the list is pretty long.

2. The contemplation of writing again, seriously this time.
3. The cash. Muahahahahaa!

I really want to use the money to join Omes and James in Bangkok to bum around- i've been offered to come over and stay with these jolly men. Oh, and maybe teach English. The thing is, i've got about a week before i start work, so i'm in a real dilemma. Not to mention parental disapproval possibly looming ahead.

Oh well. No Bangkok means more money for shoes? Muahahahhaha!

P/S- I'm kidding. I have too many. Oh wait, i do need an extra pair for work... ;)

Keep Talking In Circles.

"Where do we go from here?"

I've never believed in ignoring things and sweeping them under the carpet. And this is a lot of shit we're trying to hide under the carpet. Even if the storm has settled. Even if the pressure cooker is now turned off.

There's still a huge mess.

The question is do we want to go back to what we were? Or superficial acquiantances like we are right now? The former requires us to sort through all the shit thats happened. The latter, well nothing.

Only time.

Priorities

They say the first step of curing yourself is to acknowledge the problem.

So i'm depressed. The signs point to mild clinical depression.

I'm trying to psych myself up for Australs. I fly off tomorrow after all. But i realized that the reason i don't want to debate, don't want to lead the team, don't even want to go to Korea, is because of the fact that my entire self-worth was crushed by one person. In less than 30minutes, he took away whatever self-worth i had. And i hear he isn't done.

I can't control what others want to think, and say about me. I can't control another's wrath.

But i can try to control the self-loathing i have of myself right now. It took a baby to take me out of the gloom. Thank you Zara Iman, for your mirth, joy, and pure innocence. Your unqualified affection snapped me out of it. I only wish that you would carry this miraculous ability to heal others throughout your life.

Tate told us at the workshop that him and Logan, his teammate, brought their father's briefcases with them to their rounds at the Australs where they made finals. It was to give themselves the sense of belonging, and to remind themselves that despite the high stakes, despite the sea of people who would look down on them, they mattered. There were people who thought the world of them, and the rest of the world has to now believe in them too.

So i'm going to make a list. A list of people who helped me through the worst week of my life, and a list of people who genuinely want to see me achieve things, and just to be happy. It might not be the longest list of people. But they're more than enough for me.

I'm going to carry that list with me to Korea. To remind me that at least for some people, i matter.

I can't feel anything. I can't concentrate. I can't eat. I feel like just curling up in bed. Or dying.

I am ashamed that i feel this way. I am ashamed that i thought today as i was driving that maybe i should just get into an accident. Because that would be better than right now.

But i can't. I thank god that through this veil of darkness i still recognise that i owe people to do what i need to do now. Because i honestly would leave, if that option was one that wouldn't be unfair to other people.

I know i'm wrong. And i've tried. I suppose i'm still trying. But its not working. Not that it should. Its unfair for me to expect that it should. I need to deal with the consequences of my actions.

And the consequence feels like a noose tightly wrapped around my neck. The things said to me in such contempt might as well been substituted for a knife or a bottle of pills. And i guess i deserved them. And if i deserved them, then whats the point of my existance anymore?

Building/Stumbling Blocks

Murphy. You loveeee me dontcha. Every opportunity you get. An example i am. I'm used to your games. But my freakin' graduation? Not cool Murphy. Not cool.

___________________________________________________

So i decided to say fuck it and move on, because there isn't much i can do it about it. Moping around ain't gonna help. So i channelled all my energy into ICRC. In a dramatic turn of events that saw me having to again, take out someone close to me, stress vomitting, breking first unexpectedly- we made finals. And lost it. So close. Bugger. One more open tourney finals lost.

Oh well. Dr. C did say, "This tournament, all i want is for you guys to work on your manner." I hope we did that too.

_____________________________________________________

So my former editor, SufSaf, bestowed upon me the responsibility and faith in a civil society project, UndiMalaysia. I've always wanted to be involved in such projects, but my father's lack of faith in my ability to not get kicked out by uni admins kinda put a fullstop to that.

I gave Sufsaf quite the grilling about the project when he asked me. I think that caught him off-guard a little, but reassured him that he was making the right decision.

He made by day, by these typed sentences:

"btw do u know why i thought of you first to recruit into the team? because you write beautifully. among friends, i've never seen better writing. so yes, that's why. n no i'm not sweettalking here, u know im not like that. there's that element of sarcasm and wit in your writing which i crave to have in mine"

Its been too long since i made a mark with my writing. Perhaps its time i go back.

_______________________________________________________

Could i be more confused about my life?

Closing Time.

So. Here it is. The end of my 21 years of education. The LLB(Hons) 2nd Class Upper.

Couldn't be prouder of myself.

No, not for the fact that i finally got to achieve the highest possible graduation standard in my class (no first classes in my batch, rofl), but the fact that i did it whilst experiencing uni life. Whilst i broadened my boundaries and deepened my thoughts. Finally stretching my wings and experiencing things most people did before turning 21.

The journey has been bittersweet, but i've never been one to grudge the bitter parts of life. Perhaps this is always said in hindsight of stability status quo.

I never got to fully 'celebrate' though. I had to move out of my dormitory, move in somewhere else, train, and whoosh- i was on a plane to Macau. The debating kinda hurt. It took a massive toll on me to try to cover so many problems with my other teammates, whilst trying to improve my own performance, because i knew i wasn't doing as well as i know i could. I don't think i've ever spontaneously burst into tears at a break announcement the way i did at Macau. It was just too.damn.close.

Despite all that. Despite the internal and external drama. I came home to the best news i could've ever presented myself.

I realized i was over him.

As i hung up the phone after we spoke for more than an hour when i got back, i realised at that moment that i don't feel the same way anymore. Yes, i love him, and care about him. But love, as i have just realised, is just an emotion. Like happiness, sadness, anger.. its a pure emotion. What clouds things are the nature of relationships, and the externalities that plague us and confuse us.

So i suppose, for as random as the reason i fell for him, i fell out of his hold on me. And God, it feels great to feel free.

Step 1 into adulthood. Check.