R We Dancer?

A holla from a crush from waybackwhen invoked a smile.

Nothing ever happened between us. I was so shy back then, even more so with someone i admired. We never even became proper friends- yes, thats how shy i was.

Which is why the slightest thing he does can invoke a smile from me, even now, years later.

We're such funny characters, us human beings. We tend to reserve a special place for the ones that we mould in our memories as great people. The kind we usually label as 'the one who got away'. And thats precisely why we do it. Because we know so little about the pitfalls of that particular person, we make up a story around the scratchless surface of that person's image to us. Throughout the years we grow fond of that memory and stash it away. And that person becomes 'special' to us. For no better reason than the fact that for a few stolen moments, he/she showed us an unblemished mirror to the good side.

And the people we do know. The ones we get to know. They become humanised. Because we've seen their bad sad. We've gotten angry, hurt, dissapointed by them. We see so much of our own darkness reflected in them. They become mere mortals, just like you and i. And so we neglect them. Their humanity makes them inferior, or at least on par with you, and that aura of idoltry weakens.

But we argue, to make it seem better, that we love a person only when we know every inch, every facet. That only then, is it true love.

I think i've yet to seen love then.

Fun Fact #1

I always thought i wasn't good enough for anybody.

Especially for you.

Naivete.

"Do you trust me?"


Flinch.

1.03.2011

Oh wow. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

I didn't think it'd hurt THIS much. And as much as i'd like to say i don't know why, i do. I fucking know EXACTLY what this is.

And this is not cool.

All my precious spiel about wanting nothing but the best, was all just BS now wasn't it?

Its like tonight, all those excuses of the past, the ones you made and the ones i made for you, unravelled. And you probably don't even know it.

I don't think you'll ever know how much you've hurt me. How much you're still hurting me. I think i know where i fall in the priority game. Its funny how i still treat you like you should matter.

You were always a selfish bastard. And i should've known better.

24.02.2011

7 weeks till the end.

That's how long i've got to savour whats left of the only life i've known the past 14 years. That of a student in a formal education system.

The past few months of my life have seen me drifting aimlessly. I seem to have lost some internal anchor that's been the only thing forcing my consciousness to stay put.

Everything i do seems almost inconsequential.

I'm trying to concentrate on whats left of my education. But that has never been able to hold me down for long. Blame it on the parental pressure to be an academic over-achiever all my life. I've always needed to escape school.


And maybe that's why debating has always been my 'thing'. Its academic enough to pull the wool over the parental eyes, and it's always been fun and exciting enough to hold my attention. But debating can no longer be my 'thing'. Its ending now. And i should really move on.

Talk of my future always leaves me nauseous. When i'm in these conversations i sound like i know exactly what i'm doing. And to a certain extent, i do. It doesn't mean i like it, and it sure as hell doesn't mean i'm looking forward to it.

Yet. Maybe entering that new phase of my life is exactly what i need. Transitions are always the hardest, and maybe thats just whats happening. I am transitioning into adulthood. I'll go kicking and screaming though, but i'll go.

Because i have to.

One year.

This day, exactly a year ago, was probably one of the most dramatic days fof my life. I still remember the feeling of ... actually, i don't even know what that feeling was. It was a mix of helpness and pain. And confusion. But it was a 360 turn in the evening, and thus it began.

There was the good, definitely. In some ways we still have and function in a way together that is rare and defies logic.

But fuck it. I was miserable a lot. The ramblings here prove that. I hid it all of course, but it hurt so much sometimes. When it was good, it was good. But you didn't make much effort to make it good more often, and i was somehow the brunt for trying.

So this is goodbye.

A year ago i thought i might've finally found happiness and stability. Today i realise happiness and stability was always mine, and if anything, it tethered on the edge with you.

You're a good person. Just a crap boyfriend. =)

And today i will remember how awesome i am. Just me.

p/s- I had a completely inappropriate way of celebrating this. Not that it was done TO celebrate today, lol. But since im single, i'd like to think its ENTIRELY apt ;)

Fuck Hope.

I've REALLY gotta start being a pessimist again. I'm too soft for my own good and thats not right.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So i'm taking my cake away now.