Sunshine on a Loop

I wanna change my blog's layout. Seriously. How do you get one of those cool ones anyways?

Randomness aside. I'm blogging at the end of a crappy day. Because i believe the crap will stop. I hope.

Life's been real good lately. Which is funny cause its exams season. But its true. Life doesn't stop happening just because your university decides to freeze it for you. It moves and you move with it.

And you know life's good, when you can blog about how good life is at the end of a crappy day.

And then...

There are days when you tend to feel so very lonely. Physical distance added with the distraction of pertinent obligations makes things so much harder.

I've been going into my psycho mode the past few days. Its exams season, i've been as usual, immune to any form of exam stress, even as i am forcing myself to study. Maybe being stressed out isn't a good thing, but not feeling the pressure is probably why i've found so much time to blog. Heh.

The psycho mode includes a lot of talking to myself. Due to the fact that i don't want to talk to anyone else, i end up doing this quite a bit. Sometimes my mom walks into my room and sees me laughing. What she doesn't know is that i was laughing at my own joke. Scary, i know.

There are days when you think you're all alone in this world. And then you remember that he once publicly declared that he

"is glad that he has you to wake up to. And you to think of when he goes to bed"

And then you forget all the nasty thoughts. And smile to yourself.

Collateral Damage

We're all just selfish, really. Each and everyone of us. We try, to a certain extent, to shield the ones we care about. But in pursuing our own happiness, we end up hurting others. Why? Because in the end, its really ourselves first, isn't it?

I think it finally hit me today. That whilst i built my own happiness, whilst both of us did, we've been hurting other people. And the worse part is, we've hurt people who actually care about us.

But we can't make everyone happy. Not if its at the cost of our own happiness. We'll try to minimize the damage, but its all unintended collateral damage. Scraphnel from the decisions we've made.

There is guilt. I assure you. But we can't, and we won't live that way. And if they truly care about us, then let us go, of our sin.

It's Not Easy

And i suppose the good things in life never will be.

Two months ago, i packed up my running shoes. They were permanently on since the last heartbreak,and then came the time to remove them. Running's been the only way i know, a defense mechanism i turned to whenever things got hard.

But the time had to come of course. To put them away. And to try out happiness for a change.

Its been going pretty well. Different though. Incredibly different from what I've somewhat gotten used to. I know, everyone's different. So people would like to think, of themselves. I don't think so. I think there are patterns people fall into, when given the same settings, they react the same. It's human nature sometimes, to fall into the cliche, drowning in the comfort of the familiar.

He's different though.

I think i like it. Getting used to how different things are has kept me on my toes, kept me closer to the ground, and to reality. I think i was too self-satisfied in the past, and when the rug was pulled out from under me, i fell flat, inertia having abandoned me a long, long time ago.

But getting used to this? Its not easy. And i think its a good thing.

The State of Nature

Finals around the corner, trying to absorb jurisprudential theories. Something i would've enjoyed in a past lifetime, when i wasn't so burdened with other substantive law subjects, including the omnipresent thesis. It's done by the way. Well, almost. What remains is the nitty gritty annoying details, like the bibliography and acknowledgement, abstract in two languages....*gags*

But life's been fair to me too. I'm comfortable now. So much has happened in the past few months, since i've last blogged. Good and bad. Good, mostly. Or at least thats what my rose-tinted lenses tell me.

I'm content, for the time being. I can't wait though, for this exams season to be over. I feel like the promise of my life really beginning has been made. My attachment, whilst it would be taking away a massive chunk of my semester break, would be the necessary evil i have to experience in order to figure out whether i want to practise law. Perhaps i won't allow myself to make that decision so soon- after only 6 weeks at practise, but at least i won't be a fish out of water when i decide to chamber. And it's not as if i'm not used to NOT having semester breaks taken away from me (hello debating?).

There's also that bittersweet feeling of realising that i'll be leaving the comfort of law school very soon (though some might balk at the mere suggestion that law school could indeed be comfortable at any point...). One more year, and i'm Audi. Time flies so fast, and yet i move so slowly sometimes.

But i want to change. This last year will be about all the things i want to do. Like finally (and i know i've been saying this for years) record my music proper. Perform more. Exercise and dance more. Laugh more. Work harder. Travel more, even if it's at the expense of working more.

And just live more.

I Hate This Part Right Here.

Oh, the irony of quoting a Pussycat Dolls song.

Hard decisions. I usually face challenges head on, and i try to do the right thing, make the right decisions. Unfortunately i do not apply the same logic when it comes to decisions that involve my heart.

I run away.

I run away scared because i don't want to make decisions that might just hurt me.I hate being the whiny one who curses the cosmos for giving me such awful luck when it comes to such matters, but i can't help but do so. I think i have a healthy amount of self-confidence to know that there's nothing inherently wrong with me. I think the healthy amount of interest shown towards me validates this cocky statement.

But now i am faced with a dilemma. The classic conundrum of instinct vs rationale. Instinct says stay, rationale says give up. I hope my instinct isn't clouded by the fact that i am not a quitter, or that i'm just scared of losing out on a good opportunity. And unlike the other party, my two choices don't consist of two persons. My choices are waiting for the possibility of something good, or to leave and be alone.

Perhaps i'm being negative about my choices. I suppose for some people, and i'll admit i have throughout my life been one of them, would rather be alone than to keep hanging on to a pipe dream, one that is propped up by a bare minimum of encouragement. Because they know that it's better to be alone than to have your head, and heart messed around with.

But maybe it's time for me to stop trying so damn hard to protect myself. It's never worked. Nothing good has ever come out of it.

Ok. Enough psychobabble. I've got better things to do, at least more important work.

I've got no master plan to help me out
Or make me stand up for
All the things that I really want
You had me to afraid to ask
And as I look ahead of me
Cry and pray for sanity
-These Walls by Teddy Geiger

Hello 2010.

It's a cliche, but every new year i do look forward to better things. January has always been my favourite month, cause everyone is still happy due to the inexplicable hope that the new year brings, school usually is still on that lazy slow mode... and it ends with my birthday. Yes, selfish i know, but i was brought up in a family (and society) that has always made a big fuss of birthdays, so i LOVE celebrating my own birthday =)

Started out the last few days a little on the hectic side. Got 2nd place for a public speaking competition. A little dissapointed, since clinching first was pretty damn close, but i got a nice amount of money nonetheless. What was a lesser known, and less fun fact, was that i suffered from food poisoning/extreme stress/dehydration throughout the period of the competition. I am still trying to get better, unfortunately.

I am STILL trying to get a spot for my internship position!

... and my project paper hasn't gotten off the ground, really. Still.

Oh, and the irony is, i may be due a large amount of money soon, but i am not cash flush right now. Darn.

BUT

This is why 2010 looks good.

I WILL get that internship post soon enough.

I WILL get my money soon enough.

I WILL get better.

I WILL have time to do my project paper.

.... all, in the month of January.

January miracles. Don't knock 'em just yet ;)