Ha. Ha?

Question: Why is your blog so serious and angsty? You're a really funny person in real life...

Answer: Errr...

Me thinks i've been using this blog as a venting site a weee bit too much. Reading back all the posts makes me sound like an angsty 16 year old child. And boy, i was angsty at 16. Didn't actually slit my wrists or anything like that, but it was bad enough.

So, i think the best way to minimise this is- no, not posting a joke a day-but, to blog more often. Because i really am not upset on a daily basis ya know. There are more good days than bad, i'd like to think.

I'm just scared i'll find something bad to blog about regardless.

Four more back at me.

Sometimes, all you need is a soul-searching conversation to change your perspective on things.

And now, i've realised, maybe it was my fault.

I might have lost what i wanted because i never showed that i wanted it. I never indicated that i cared enough, that i wanted this bad enough that i would fight for it. Because i always give up. I always try to protect myself till the extent that i don't take risks. I become selfish.

Cause really, i did care. I did want this. Maybe you did too, and all i did was push you away.

I'm sorry. I really am. I guess we could have been something. Something good. But i wish you all the happiness in the world with the one you've chosen. And someday maybe, i'll get the same kind of happiness, when i'm ready to stop being selfish.

This Week's Top 5

Reza's blog occasionally has Reza's top 5, or 10 of stuff he likes. I thought i'd update on the Top 5 songs i'm currently into, harkening back to my days as a music critic. They are (in no particular order):

1. Just Jack- Embers

A lot of the non-mainstream music i listen to comes from my habit of picking up songs from TV shows. Gossip Girl is one of my faves for that. This song opened and closed episode 2 of the new season, and i just had to get my hands on it. I love when violins mix with modern beats, like the theme for Mad Men (R2J2's A Beautiful Mine), and as much as the guy doesn't really have the vocal pipes, the song itself is wicked, especially when the guitars kick in the second half. Addictive

2. Unkle Bob- One by One
Another song i picked up from a TV show. This time, it was CSI: Miami. I can't remember the episode, but it closed with this song and i jumped online to search for it. They're a little known band from the UK, and the rest of their stuff is pretty good too. Its interesting how they have a very post-90s American sound, emphasized by the use of the banjo in some of their songs. This one remains my favourite for it's haunting melody and melancholic lyrics.

3. Paramore- Decode
Two reasons why this song is only registering on my radar now. First, i've never been too impressed with Paramore, and with all the hype surrounding them, that acted as a total turnoff. Secondly, it's the soundtrack for Twlight, one of the most insipid movies i've ever paid to watch. But the song is pretty rockin', and as much as people dislike the acoustic version, i like that one too.


4. Rob Thomas- Her Diamonds
I've loved Rob forever. Ever since my primary school days (yes, thats how long it's been), his music with Matchboxtwenty has been extremely influential in my music. I'm so glad he's gotten back to writing songs that sound more like his music with Matchboxtwenty in his solo effort this time. This song is heartbreaking as he opens up about his wife Marisol's struggle with Lupus. The man can do no wrong in my book.

5.Rachael Yamagata featuring Ray LaMontagne- Duet
Discovering Rachael Yamagata's music was like discovering a diamond in the rough. She posseses a deep, quiet voice, and writes music that's deep and moving. Elephants, the first single from the album is a dramatic song, but Duet is a quiet song that is one you hum to on a rainy day. Ray Lamontagne doesn't add much to the song, but provides a nice canvass for Rachael to shine.

Don't blame me

... for being cynical. Like the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on me then. Twice fooled. I'd have thought i'd be smarter than to make the same mistake, again. Well, good on you then, for being so good that i trusted you. That i let my guard down.

... for not getting people like you. Your thought process. Your conscience. And the fact that you complain about the problems that you freakin cause. Seriously. Why can't you see that you cause them yourself?

... for starting to lose my belief in karma. I'd like to think i've been a good girl. I'd like to believe that seeing the good in people, and giving them the benefit of the doubt is a good way of living life. Apparently not. Apparently, the selfish ones are the ones that get ahead in life. Look out for yourself, regardless of who you hurt, and you'll be alright. Heck, you'll be fuckin fantastic.

... for giving up.

I don't belong here.

Colin: An oddity. I like that. Maybe I'll start referring to you as the oddity. Better than the hooker references*
Me : I always liked the term quirky better than oddity. Oddity makes me sound like a freak.
Colin: Quirky sounds nerdy though. You have a silliness quality about you that subverts nerdiness.
Me: I think quirky is nerdy too, but like in a cute way. And i'm not sure if being called silly is a compliment :p
Colin: Yeah. I'm not sure either

(excerpts of email conversations between Colin Stewart and myself)

I've just read a book review of a teenaged author who wrote about... well, teenagers. She said something about how teenagers are always struggling to fit in. To find themselves.

I don't think the struggle ends when you leave high school. I don't think it even ends at the end of your teenage years. I know i'm still sufferring from the above syndrome. Four years past high school, and two years into adulthood, and i'm still finding myself an oddity amongst the common. I've never been much to complain about it though. The label 'weird' has never bothered me much. I suppose that in itself makes me weird enough for the masses.

Yet, being different also leads to being alone. The chances of meeting people who either tolerate or find you fun is hard enough. Try finding someone who likes your weirdness. Chances? Next to zilch. And when you actually do, the usual trappings of relationships will come and mess things up.

So you end up where you began. Alone.

Best described by Radiohead's brilliant Freak. Enjoy.



*Hooker reference= Colin's way of saying that i'm a precious commodity that shouldn't sell herself short to any boy just cause i'm bored.

Badass!

There is a monkey in my backyard. No Colin, i'm not kidding. No Liz, you can't adopt it.

The monkey was raping the neighbourhood stray cats. I've never been fond of those cats. Ever. In fact, those cats have made me absolutely hate cats. But being raped like that... it's kinda hard not to feel sorry for those cats. The scariest thing was, a day after i came home, there was a carcass of a cat outside the window of my bathroom. It stank to high heavens, but it was obvious it had been murdered, and the cat had been hanging on to dear life to the pipes outside the window.

Stomach-roiling sickness.

So when i saw it today, that damn monkey staring at me whilst i was cooking, i gave it the finger first. Stop laughing, that was just my first reaction. I started then looking threateningly at it. As i moved closer, disregarding my own safety (cue dramatic Jaws music), i shouted at it. And it jumped away.

It returned shortly, absolutely curious with me now. But every time i went near he ran away, scared. Fear in his eyes. I asked my mom if it was scared of anyone. 'Only your dad', she said.

But now the monkey was also scared of me. ME. HAH! TAKE THAT YOU STUPID MONKEY!

(the point of the story: nothing really)

Yes. No. Um. Ah..?

Things i'm looking forward to in the next few months

1. Asian BP in Bangkok, Thailand

2. Recording

3. Deepavali

4. Study break

5. WUPID

6. Royals

Things i'm NOT looking forward to...

1. French finals

2. Project paper/thesis

3. Juris and PIL assignment

4. Debate training/ not having a holiday

5. Royals