Four shots. In a row.

I'd like all the non-debaters to imagine four debate tournaments as four shots of tequila knocked down back-to-back.

Painfully searing your throat, heady rush, pressure and most of all- a challenge.

The training. The pressure. The intensity. The anxiety. There's nothing quite like it.

My experiences this time around?

The social side reflected the performance at the tournaments. It was down and up for social life, exact opposite for debate performance. Everyone knows that without the social side as a side-show, not many would come for the main show that's full of stress and anxiety.

I've had the crushing pain of losing. I've also had the unnatural high of winning something so unexpected. And i've learnt to try to accept. Give me some time, maybe grace will follow.

Can't say i did too bad. The first two tourneys reflected that. The last two however, were just dismal. I've learnt my lesson though, about certain adjudicators. I'll take a certain NUS debater's words to heart.

Well, it's over now, and will be over for some time. I'm concentrating on Jessup Moots, and my studies.

And more importantly, i'll be concentrating on my relationships. Concentrate on everyone who have been ceremoniously neglected by myself due to the hectic lifestyle of a debater+mooter. My family, via my dad, has given me an earful about the importance of family. My friends have been quiet, but my guilt about neglecting them hasn't been as quiet. Thus, the imperative need to amend this. In a way, losing this has also made me feel like i've lost a little of me along the way.

So its time for priorities. And actually following them.

Cheers to the New Year people.

A taste...

Of whats to come.

Today was one of those days. You know, that inevitable day when all hell that has threatened to break lose due to your own unseamly stitches break free.

Had my first round of debate training today. Which of course, comes with its own research. 30minutes on Obam tomorrow. Oh yay.

Also had day 4 of Jessup training sessions. Got a whole bunch of new shiny THICK books to read. Plus all the material i haven't gotten from Lexis.

Got reminded again of how i have to interview KPMG bosses. Which now has become supervise interview because i can't make it. I've just realised i cannot be the micro-managing, not-so-big-on-delagating Head of Editorials anymore.

Let's not even go to my criminal assignment.

And my college room is in mess. One that has to be completely cleaned up by this Saturday. I gotta move out for the semester, aaaaargggh!

It's just one of those days ya know? When your body feels like it's been through hell. When you skipped dinner cause you're too tired to walk 5 minutes. And people you wanna talk to don't pick up your calls. And you still have work to do.

Smile, Tharish, smile?

May it please the court.....

My name is Tharishni. And i represent the appellant in this case, the state of.... anxiety.

Ok, so i've just gotten a spot on the Jessup team. One of my best friends also made it. We should be happy2 joy2 jump2.

Except of course, that it's now time to crack our knuckles and work, work, work.

Oh, but don't i have debates? And oh, TWO assignments due?

*repeats i am happy mantra to self*

I should be happy. That i made the team. That not only did i make the team, i have been chosen to be one of the oralist. And the fact that my debate trainer still wants me to represent the uni after my dismal performance during the camp.

It's just a sacrifice of a family vacation, R&R during the holidays, social life, music. It really isn't much. For a shot at Washington.

I'm not pulling off the new happy shiny thing well, am i?

This Time

Addiction's are the worst things in the world. Especially because you know it's all in your head and all you need to do is just stop.thinking.about.it.

I think i know the root cause of my addiction. It's my lack of access to it. And the fact that i really don't have anything better.

So i'm gonna stop now. Hold back. Worked the last time. Except that i got more and the vicious cycle continued.

Mash was right yesterday. The kitten and the ball of yarn analogy. I'll start now. Today. Yes.

I want my dignity, my pride and yes, my undisputed and reckless ego back. Give me back my pedestal.

Gravity

And he lingers too long on
her lips spouts
Endless rhetorical regrets hitting
Every single unintended target
Ricochets off the breathing walls-yet
Unschathed she continues

Bigger than this, she says
Bigger than us, she claims
Yet she draws on her elbows
Esconed in her flesh cocoon
Center of the universe-nay
Gravity, i am.

*smiles*

Today, i have decided.

To be happy. Regardless of what's going on around, and within me.

I have decided to not wallow in self-misery and angst. I am not 16 anymore, and good music musn't come from angst anymore.

I will take the best parts of life and make them my focus. Because really, life ain't that bad for me. As cliche is this sounds, i am not a refuge, i am not dying, no one i know is dying, my race isn't being killed of by genocide (contrary to what a certain 'illegal society' claims), i am not starving, i am not addicted to anything (maybe a certain person...), and i have a future.

So what if i signed off my life for the next few months? I'd have a shot at Washington.

So what if the next few weeks after finals will be intense? I'd have a shot at winning.

So what if i'm fat and getting fatter? I can lose weight. Or buy new clothes? LOL.

So what if i'm extremely unlucky in love? Just means i'm free and unattached. Mingle!

So what if i'm not cash rich right now? Ok, no postives in this one. But i'm always broke, so....

I shall smile, giggle and laugh more. Life's is... what it is.

Intimacy. Into-Me-I-See. Tm. ROFL!

Bigger things

In life.

I have what i should have.

I have more than what the average person has.

And how do i deal with such a life?

I take it in, and somehow manage to screw it up.

Ticking time bomb, that i am.

My heart goes out to everyone having bigger problems, and issues out there.

Yet my head remains firmly in my own world.

How humanitarian is that for you?