Pull Me Apart.

10.11 a.m.

Supposedly clearing up my college room for the CNY holidays, but i'm tapping into whatever substandard internet connection i can get at the moment.

Here's the truth.

I was handed the phone two days ago. By one of my best friends. Who cared enough to do it. Who cared enough about me to know that it's just gotta stop. And i argued back- it's casual, give me some time, i swear i'm not as invested in this as you think i am.

So why the heck am i sitting here wondering whats going on the very moment a promise falls through?

Why couldn't i just leave? Why couldn't i run away in the other direction -fast?

Cause i'm scared. I'm freakin' terrified.

I'm scared of what will happen. If i pull out too soon. Or if i keep holding on. Because once i do this, there's no turning back.

I'm scared of being completely alone. And right now, this fear consumes me more than ever.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want to be the idiot in this. I don't want to be the one left in pieces.

I wish i wasn't me for one second. I wish i wasn't this person who cared so much about everything and everyone, who believes that you should get what you give back.

But i guess the rest of the world doesn't believe in that. And here i am, the ultimate fool.

A Mark. A dent. A scratch?

I think being aware of world events and understanding the plight and suffering of those less fortunate is always a good thing. A bubble can sometimes equal to ultimate bliss, but apathy should never be the answer- thats how we got here in the first place.


I've always admired those ordinary men and women out there who care enough to do something about these things. My activist days may have been suspended for the time being, but that does not mean i care any less. Its just that the daily grind gets to you a little too much, and you stop making time for these things because you just do not have time. Which is why i truly admire people that stand up and do something.


But sometimes, certain things just make me wonder- are we making a difference with this?


I've always been taught by debate training, that you must always question : what do you hope to achieve out of the proposal? Doing something is all fine and dandy, but at the end of the day action taken should be to achieve something.

But here's the thing. Sometimes even that little bit you wanted, just doesn't happen.


I'm talking about the condemnation of Israel's action in the Gaza strip.


I came down for lunch one day and there was a huge banner for people to sign and write whatever message they want condemning the Israeli action. There were numerous signatures splashed across the banner, and oddly the first thing that came across this weird little head was: Geez. I bet half these kids don't even know where the Gaza Strip is.

But it's true, all they know is that:

a. We're Muslims/live in a Muslim country
b. Israel is a Jew state
c. Israel bomb innocent Palestinians.


A+B+C= Bad bad bad. Without uh, knowing the REAL situation? You know, the one where there isn't only one bad guy in the picture? Don't get me wrong though. I think whats going on at the Gaza Strip is a pathetic imitation of a justified war.


But back to the story. The said banner now hangs outside my college proudly. But um.... what exactly does this achieve? Will this make Isreal notice? Same goes with certain other 'actions' taken by organizations in M'sia. Will anything change with what you do?


The answer: Heck No.


Isreal, if it had an ounce of reason in it would have stopped already. We're dealing with not one, but two countries that seem to have almost disenfranchised themselves from their people and consumed with retaliation- they've probably forgotten what they were fighting for in the first place.


So your banners, your vigils, your writings. Nothing will change anything. Not there's anything that actually can be done to stop these fools from continuing to destroy whatever semblance of humanity that may exist there.


It's good to show that you care. By all means, do not stop doing it, thats not what i'm asking you to do. But here's my reality check for you:


Stop Kidding Yourself. The World Is Screwed.

I've forgotten how
The view from here
Regrets the light interfering
Admonishes the intrusion of anxiety
Only welcoming the calm
The chaos of silence



-I'm in the mood. Missing these sorta moments.

Here goes....

The new semester starts tomorrow. You know, the one where i'm supposed to try to win national rounds of Jessup and at the same time bring my grades up? Yeah, that one.

A new year starts in 3 days. You know, the one where i'm gonna try to be a better person by:

a. Cutting back on food and working out daily to lose weight
b. Party less, study more to bring up my grades
c. Spend a LOT less on frivalous matters
d. Re-prioritize the people in my life

Yes. The next few days will be the start of new things, and hopefully, they come in the same nice shiny packages they're supposed to be in.

I think i have it in me to achieve all this. All i need is the willpower, and most importantly, to lose the lazy-IDGAD (I Don't Give A Damn) attitude. There's no one to keep me on track now, so i must do this on my own, and i must believe that i can suceed on my own.

Happy New Year people. Party hard, then let's try for sustainable change.

Good stuff.

The Royals shots:

Royals 2008 Team UM recap: Won the main category. Cath was 7th best overall speaker, i was 5th. Took over 5 out of 10 spots in the top10 junior category speakers. One team in quarters of jr category, another made it into semis. Yes, it almost paid off for all os us *wipes sweat*

NHSD- The butt shots. Broke with a perfect score, knocked out in semi's. Ah, the luck, the luck. Again with the Best Speaker consolation (no.2 in the tourney this time)

Bar Council- the picture that describes the tourney for me: Tiring. And absolutely dissapointing

WUPID Opening Dinner with Cath and Vignesh Ashok from NUS- one of the most brilliant debaters i've had the opportunity to have met and debated against (and adjudicate me too!)

WUPID..... was WUPID lah. Didn't go in with expectations to break, but we were just so close entering that fina round. Oh well.

Four shots. In a row.

I'd like all the non-debaters to imagine four debate tournaments as four shots of tequila knocked down back-to-back.

Painfully searing your throat, heady rush, pressure and most of all- a challenge.

The training. The pressure. The intensity. The anxiety. There's nothing quite like it.

My experiences this time around?

The social side reflected the performance at the tournaments. It was down and up for social life, exact opposite for debate performance. Everyone knows that without the social side as a side-show, not many would come for the main show that's full of stress and anxiety.

I've had the crushing pain of losing. I've also had the unnatural high of winning something so unexpected. And i've learnt to try to accept. Give me some time, maybe grace will follow.

Can't say i did too bad. The first two tourneys reflected that. The last two however, were just dismal. I've learnt my lesson though, about certain adjudicators. I'll take a certain NUS debater's words to heart.

Well, it's over now, and will be over for some time. I'm concentrating on Jessup Moots, and my studies.

And more importantly, i'll be concentrating on my relationships. Concentrate on everyone who have been ceremoniously neglected by myself due to the hectic lifestyle of a debater+mooter. My family, via my dad, has given me an earful about the importance of family. My friends have been quiet, but my guilt about neglecting them hasn't been as quiet. Thus, the imperative need to amend this. In a way, losing this has also made me feel like i've lost a little of me along the way.

So its time for priorities. And actually following them.

Cheers to the New Year people.

A taste...

Of whats to come.

Today was one of those days. You know, that inevitable day when all hell that has threatened to break lose due to your own unseamly stitches break free.

Had my first round of debate training today. Which of course, comes with its own research. 30minutes on Obam tomorrow. Oh yay.

Also had day 4 of Jessup training sessions. Got a whole bunch of new shiny THICK books to read. Plus all the material i haven't gotten from Lexis.

Got reminded again of how i have to interview KPMG bosses. Which now has become supervise interview because i can't make it. I've just realised i cannot be the micro-managing, not-so-big-on-delagating Head of Editorials anymore.

Let's not even go to my criminal assignment.

And my college room is in mess. One that has to be completely cleaned up by this Saturday. I gotta move out for the semester, aaaaargggh!

It's just one of those days ya know? When your body feels like it's been through hell. When you skipped dinner cause you're too tired to walk 5 minutes. And people you wanna talk to don't pick up your calls. And you still have work to do.

Smile, Tharish, smile?