7.04.2011

Cracked mirrors, we are. Biased fragments of each other.

It came down to that ONE incident. Where, from thence on, it coloured the entire pseudo relationship we have. Had? I wished you'd have been able to see it from my side. Why i did it. You did something that made me feel so humiliated, degraded, worthless... and it came from someone who i cared deeply about, and should've cared for me almost as much. I had to talk to someone. I had to let it all out. To expect me to have kept it all in was a punishment crueler than the original act itself.

I had to let it out, and he was the best person. Perhaps it was a knee-jerk reaction. He was there. He was a good listener. But did you know why i did it? Because i trusted him. He was my friend and confidante; i was lost. He was a friend who knew i wasn't alright, and i had no strength to lie.

So forgive me for being so weak at that point. Forgive me for not being able to withstand the blow you dealt me that day. Alone.

I'd have thought you'd forgive me the way i've forgiven you for all the tears shed due to your callousness during the relationship. All the romantic expectations you crushed. The fear of being affectionate to the person i wanted to be affectionate the most with. The fact that i tried to please you, but to no avail. The fact that i tried to impress you, but to no avail. The willful ignorance of emotions. The constant questioning of my self-worth, my worth to you. One word: Selfishness.

I've been trying so hard now, to be good, to be good to you. But it doesn't matter, no road ahead do you want to forge. And yet the good of the past never comes back to haunt you. Only the bad.

I'm so, so tired. I'm tired of figuring out this friendship and i'm tired of figuring you out.

I'm the one you will never miss. I'm the one who falls last in the numerical list of friends. I'm the one you don't think twice about hurting. The one who doesn't matter.

I'm not the one they call Heartless, after all.

Hold My Hand.

Sometimes you find the perfect song. The one that speaks volumes and says exactly what you feel.

"Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare

Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there"

I guess four months on, i'm still hurting.

Fun Fact # 2

I have some relationship issues.

And maybe thats why i always end up with someone who has bigger issues.

To feel like the normal one.

R We Dancer?

A holla from a crush from waybackwhen invoked a smile.

Nothing ever happened between us. I was so shy back then, even more so with someone i admired. We never even became proper friends- yes, thats how shy i was.

Which is why the slightest thing he does can invoke a smile from me, even now, years later.

We're such funny characters, us human beings. We tend to reserve a special place for the ones that we mould in our memories as great people. The kind we usually label as 'the one who got away'. And thats precisely why we do it. Because we know so little about the pitfalls of that particular person, we make up a story around the scratchless surface of that person's image to us. Throughout the years we grow fond of that memory and stash it away. And that person becomes 'special' to us. For no better reason than the fact that for a few stolen moments, he/she showed us an unblemished mirror to the good side.

And the people we do know. The ones we get to know. They become humanised. Because we've seen their bad sad. We've gotten angry, hurt, dissapointed by them. We see so much of our own darkness reflected in them. They become mere mortals, just like you and i. And so we neglect them. Their humanity makes them inferior, or at least on par with you, and that aura of idoltry weakens.

But we argue, to make it seem better, that we love a person only when we know every inch, every facet. That only then, is it true love.

I think i've yet to seen love then.

Fun Fact #1

I always thought i wasn't good enough for anybody.

Especially for you.

Naivete.

"Do you trust me?"


Flinch.

1.03.2011

Oh wow. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

I didn't think it'd hurt THIS much. And as much as i'd like to say i don't know why, i do. I fucking know EXACTLY what this is.

And this is not cool.

All my precious spiel about wanting nothing but the best, was all just BS now wasn't it?

Its like tonight, all those excuses of the past, the ones you made and the ones i made for you, unravelled. And you probably don't even know it.

I don't think you'll ever know how much you've hurt me. How much you're still hurting me. I think i know where i fall in the priority game. Its funny how i still treat you like you should matter.

You were always a selfish bastard. And i should've known better.