24.02.2011

7 weeks till the end.

That's how long i've got to savour whats left of the only life i've known the past 14 years. That of a student in a formal education system.

The past few months of my life have seen me drifting aimlessly. I seem to have lost some internal anchor that's been the only thing forcing my consciousness to stay put.

Everything i do seems almost inconsequential.

I'm trying to concentrate on whats left of my education. But that has never been able to hold me down for long. Blame it on the parental pressure to be an academic over-achiever all my life. I've always needed to escape school.


And maybe that's why debating has always been my 'thing'. Its academic enough to pull the wool over the parental eyes, and it's always been fun and exciting enough to hold my attention. But debating can no longer be my 'thing'. Its ending now. And i should really move on.

Talk of my future always leaves me nauseous. When i'm in these conversations i sound like i know exactly what i'm doing. And to a certain extent, i do. It doesn't mean i like it, and it sure as hell doesn't mean i'm looking forward to it.

Yet. Maybe entering that new phase of my life is exactly what i need. Transitions are always the hardest, and maybe thats just whats happening. I am transitioning into adulthood. I'll go kicking and screaming though, but i'll go.

Because i have to.

One year.

This day, exactly a year ago, was probably one of the most dramatic days fof my life. I still remember the feeling of ... actually, i don't even know what that feeling was. It was a mix of helpness and pain. And confusion. But it was a 360 turn in the evening, and thus it began.

There was the good, definitely. In some ways we still have and function in a way together that is rare and defies logic.

But fuck it. I was miserable a lot. The ramblings here prove that. I hid it all of course, but it hurt so much sometimes. When it was good, it was good. But you didn't make much effort to make it good more often, and i was somehow the brunt for trying.

So this is goodbye.

A year ago i thought i might've finally found happiness and stability. Today i realise happiness and stability was always mine, and if anything, it tethered on the edge with you.

You're a good person. Just a crap boyfriend. =)

And today i will remember how awesome i am. Just me.

p/s- I had a completely inappropriate way of celebrating this. Not that it was done TO celebrate today, lol. But since im single, i'd like to think its ENTIRELY apt ;)

Fuck Hope.

I've REALLY gotta start being a pessimist again. I'm too soft for my own good and thats not right.

You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So i'm taking my cake away now.

Cliche

Rejection muts be my middle name lah.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??

My fault. Had to learn that karma's a bitch in the most painful way possible i suppose.

Peyton Sawyer was right. People Always Leave.

Except her fictional skinny ass got Lucas and his baby. Dammit.

Courage? Epic. Fail.

So i did what i've been trying to avoid doing for more than a week now. Talk. And ask.

Well, i tried at least. Not my fault we didn't end up talking. I think?

Bah. I'll just go back to writing my songs.

Take My Hand.

Lead me. Tell me what to do now.

Its not just about my pride. Its about whats good for me. Its about making the right decisions.

I'm living my life right now in whatever way feels good. Morally hedonistic. Everything short, of course, of the one thing that i should do.

Talk.

Be real.

What happened to removing my running shoes? They came back on too fast. I'm trying to my level best, to toe the line and to find a balance, but its becoming so much harder. Which is ironic because its getting easier to live without you. And maybe thats what's scaring me.

Losing you.

Losing how i feel about you.

But everytime i want to pick up the phone, i remember that this isn't about me anymore. It shouldn't be me fighting to keep this. The only way this will work is if you want to fight for me.
And why should you? For the same reason i told you last year: Because I'm A Good Thing.

And dammit, i should be treated that way. And that's the only thing that has changed in the last month and a half. That i realise i deserve to be treated better.

But it hasn't changed that you're the only one i want to treat me that way.

2011.

Why do you have to be so damn handsome?

This is not cool. Its already hard as it is. Then you just had to look like that. Its weird enough that i had to resist the natural impulse to go and sit next you. Hold your hand. Have your arm around me. Natural impulses that took a bit to fight. And not having a goodnight hug. Whoa.

Why do you have to be so damn good looking????