If you're listening

And you say, there's nothing wrong with being proud.

The Best People

Are the ones who know what to say to you. At the best time possible. With the most sincere intention.

A carrot was dangled, and i'm now reversing the whole debate retirement, and going in for one last shot in my final year. Without Hugh, my constant teammate, matter-feeder and debate best bud.

And that scares the crap outta me.

Which is why debating at the mock debate was almost a scary notion. I'm just glad it turned out ok.

But what Fareez said after the debate when i asked for personal feedback, is what i REALLY needed to hear.

Fareez

its not because you are nerdy

its because you have got nothing to prove

you dont have to prove to the kids that you are good

you dont have to convince me that you are good

you dont have to prove that you are a great debater

we already know

i told you this a long time ago

why did i tell you this but not anyone else?

i already knew that you had the right attitude

and the brains

to become great

trophys dont matter to me

i dont care that you won this or that tourney

i care whether you have the right attitude and that you really want to debate because you want to have fun..not to prove anything

I guess i need to loosen up. I've always got it in my head that i need to impress. Everyone. But maybe, just maybe, i'm good, without trying hard and being well, kiasu about it.

Fareez is also an awesome human being for making me feel like an awesome person.

11:02Fareez

hahaa

tharish

i hang out with you not because you are a great debater

i talk to you and ask you to join me for makan because i honestly value you as a person.

it does not matter how many trophies you won

it does not matter how many trophies you won

11:04

11:04Fareez

even if you havent won a single one, that you never won a debate in your life even

my respect for your intellect would not be dimished

diminished

you dont need to prove anything to anyone

least of all some bunch of random schoolkids

11:06

Moving.

I guess they were just rain clouds. The world as we knew it did not end.

I guess its just cause we dance so good. There was no need for talk.

Sometimes you make me so happy. I'm hoping i do the same for you too.

Can't wait till you come home.

So Tell Me Why We're Talking When We Dance So Good?

Loud might be better.

Today, when the accident happened.

I was more scared than i let on to anyone.

Because it was a small thing. Because i didn't wanna seem like a small girl. Because i didn't want anyone to make a fuss of me.

But i wanted someone to actually care.

And what hurt the most were the two people who should be the most important men in my life, didn't sound like they cared at all. Maybe this might seem like a cry for sympathy, for help.

But i've never felt more alone in the past few weeks than i have in maybe a year. And i guess today was just the peak of that.

The breakdown of one of those relationships was my fault. The other wasn't. I just thought that beyond the current issues we faced, they still cared enough.

I guess i'm just so, so very wrong.

Again.

The Path from Hereon

Its the end of my 4th week interning at the law firm. I entered into the firm with some trepidation, as it was not my first choice, and i had heard nothing much of this firm. I didn't expect much, and i expected to be bored outta my mind.

I was DEAD wrong.

There are some days of course, where you get bored. Like today :p. But the experiences this firm has given me far surpasses anything any other firm could've offered me. The things i've done, i can't even mention here as they are highly confidential, and that tells you something in itself. I've been so insanely lucky, that i don't blame my friends if they think my experiences are tall tales. I have one of the nicest bosses ever. He maintains a professional distance, but he never scolds nor rasises his voice, and the best part is that he knows what kind of work i can and cannot handle. There are times i've felt overburdened, yes, but those periods are few and far between, and let's face it, i'm a bum so i'll always be allergic to work.

So yes, sometimes its sucky to be so tired and not have your weekdays to yourself. But the excitement makes up for it, at least thats what the me of today will testify to. I don't know about the future though. I'm not sure if i'd be given the same opportunities in the future. I'm not even sure if the same things will still excite me. I know the lawyers who were with me on one occasion did not seem as thrilled as i was. They were more concerned about work. And fair enough, that is their job. I'm just not certain if thats what i want to become.

And oh. The lawyers haven't really had a weekend to themselves in quite awhile.....

Audi.

If i'm honest to myself.

It was the idea that i wanted. And maybe not the person so much. And i think its very much a vice versa, or as the nerdy law student would say, mutatis mutandis.

So. Yeah. I think i've decided. A bit prematurely, perhaps. But if thats what we both want, than thats what it will be.

I'll be alright. I think i'm already alright with it, i think, if the past few weeks are any indication. Maybe that niggling feeling was always the one i should've listened to after all.