Deeper.

Forgive me life, for i have sinned.

For the past few months, I've tried to deny and surpress the fact that i have emotions. Anything besides happiness and anger, i've denied myself from having. I've been living on two principles. First, that my life is adequate, so i need not create a fuss for every small drama in my life. Two, that i will seperate emotions from my daily decisions, and focus on rational thinking. I think i've been practicing the second principle for quite a huge chunk of my life, but somehow when it came to the important things, emotions always took control. So i decided to change.

And i've been doing fine. Or so i thought.

The turn of events of the past few days have unfortunately been a mess of emotions. The seams have been threatening to break free, and the emotional stronghold i've built is threatening to crumble. How appropriate that the trigger should be the same reason i wanted to be unemotional in the first place. I won't doubt that it's karma knocking on my door, but i really do believe that i've paid my dues. Far more than any pain that i've ever inflicted, intentionally or not.

Yes, i have ideals. Yes, i have principles. Yes, i know what i want. But does the world need to test me again and again?

I'm not sure i can keep holding on. I'm pretty close to giving it up completely. I'm close to giving all hope. And i really don't want to be that person. Bitter, cynical. Let that not be me.

I've decided that i won't stay and fight. I won't fight for something i'm not sure i want. I won't fight when i'm the only one who wants to. For once, i want somebody to fight for me. Because i'm worth it. I'd like to believe someday you'd see.

For now, i've got my shoes on. And i'm running away fast.

The Ancients.

That's what Yana calls us.

Basically, we're the friends who've known each other for the longest period of time. We met in primary school.
Left- right: Annur, Mirul, Myself and Yana


Last Sunday, we had our annual gathering of sorts. It wasn't my birthday this year (cause my birthday, as Mirul puts it, is THE event of the year for gathering up all of us lost folk), cause two of em couldn't make it. So, for Yana's birthday, i decided to round up the bunch.

It was such a hilarious walk down memory lane. We were crazy kids, and now we're crazier adults, albeit all of us have been able to pull off some semblance of adulthood. And pretty well at that. I'm pretty proud of this circle of friends. We've all achieved so much, and we're well on our way to becoming outstanding citizens.



I want to tell you a little about my friends, in no particular order.

First, there's Yana. This woman always gives me a guilt trip around her birthday. She doesn't have to say or do anything, but i feel guilt cause i either forget, or am not able to give her a present (she spent 3 years in Oz). But she somehow, someway, gets me a present for my birthday. I have this cross-stitch thingy on my wall that she made for my 21st. Yes, she is that awesome of a friend. She's incredibly brilliant too, being one of the top SPM scholars of the country (she never told me, i had to see it in the newspaper- that's how humble she is). But most of all, she's a quirky, funny, loyal and incredibly sweet person. And now she's a corporate be-yotch! Complete with a name card, haha.

Then there's Annur. My first bestfriend ever. We lost touch for a few years when she moved away, but through the wonders of the internet, we are now in touch. And boy, has she changed from a tomboy who used to run around in shorts and frizzy hair to the hawt young lady telling me to put on a dress! A doctor-in-training AND a marathon runner- please tell me how much more can she impress? Northern Ireland may be your home now Ann, but i know your heart will always be in Wangsa Maju! =D

And of course, not forgetting one my bestest friend, Mirul. From primary school till high school, we were almost inseperable. I guess our friendship is one of the oddest cause we're just so different. But i think in terms of our ideals, we're the same, and that's why we've been there for each other so many times. I am so very proud that he's achieved his dream of becoming a pilot, because more than anyone else, he has wanted this. I have never seen so much passion and dedication in my life, and whatever he's got in his life now, he deserves it. He's a total sweetheart of a guy, i really would like to pimp him out, but the poor boy refuses! He cares about me enough to pimp me out to his fellow pilots though, lol. That's one flaw though- his bad taste in the boys he tries to set me up with, haha.






Accountant-turned-some-corporate-thingy, Doctor, Pilot, and Lawyer

Ch-ch-changes

If you know me, this wouldn't be so random.

Yes, i got sick of the old layout. So i changed it. I didn't like any of the other layouts though. They were too.. blog-ish. Yes, duh. But i was looking for something that looks more suitable for prose, but i realised that if that's what i wanted, i should be looking elsewhere. So i chose the one that irritated me the least.

I've also changed my URL, yet again. I need my privacy when i write, and fear no repecussions. I've been the victim of such a situation, where my words were used against me. I believe that people who take your words out of context and manipulate them out of their intended meaning are scum. If you're not a debater using it in a debate, you're scum.

Speaking of scum. Tell me how can i not be disillusioned by so-called leaders who can't stand up for our rights keep making policies that burden the man on the street? Is this what leadership means to you? I'd rather the one fighting you, than being just like you.

Reality Check

In the last debate session i had, i kept saying "But Mr. Speaker, reality check". I'm not sure at what point my usually very serious debating style turned into bimbo-speak. Where art Thou, sophistication?

______________

Here's the reality check for my life:

1. Financial Status- absolutely depressing. I effin need to get paid!! I feel like an exploited Chinese sweatshop worker =(

2. Love life- still single. Cleaning up the mess of which i might have created, but i wish i was a little more heartless so that i could be blunt and get people to move on from something that never was. I'm not though, and funnily enough, in the process of trying not to get others hurt, i get emotionally distressed.

3. Friendships- i hate being in a fight, for the lack of a better word. As much as this might sound one-sided because it is only my side, i have done nothing wrong, thus i won't apologize. I believe that even if i did do something wrong, i should be told what it was, instead of being accused vaguely once and then given the silent treatment. Most of all, i hate dealing with immaturity. As a side note, Rob is leaving tomorrow. I'm gonna miss the outings, and the conversations with someone so different from my usual social circle. That last karaoke session was bittersweet.

4. Education- last semester's CGPA was less than stellar. I hate underperforming. It's probably due to a lifetime of being above average without trying too hard. Now i'm actually working for it, with nothing to show, and it is just so.damn.frustrating.

5. Music- had to cancel an open mic engagement last minute. Dima wasn't up for it, and i wasn't gonna do it alone. I guess i'm still afraid of being up there alone with my music.


1+2+3+4+5= Ok laaa... Life ain't that bad now, innit?

I Suffer You Badly

At the end of one of my rare (and in the grand scheme of my university life, my last) free semester break, i suppose there is an obligation to write about what i've done this holiday.

So here goes. Wait for it.

NOTHING!!!!

Well, nothing worthwhile, interesting, or i should be proud of.

My aim before i began my holidays were:

1. Lose weight
2. Make money
3. Make music
4. Improve my driving skills.

.... besides chillaxin' of course. That goes without saying.

I haven't lost any weight, despite cutting back on food. Due largely to my sloth like lifestyle this holidays, i've probably gained a few pounds. No, not in the right places.

I have been trying to make money by being an RA (Research Assistant) to not one, but TWO lecturers. Talk about being an overachiever. I'm pretty sure i'm the only student in my faculty's history to do this. Admittedly, i agreed to the second one under the impression it was lightweight work that wouldn't take long to be done, and i was helping out a friend. You know that saying about assumptions? Well, it made an ass out of me because the work turned out to be way more than what i expected and it's still not done! The money better be good *grumbles*

I've written three songs so far. Very lazy i have been. In my defense, the guitar just got fixed, and i just started playing again- getting the fingertips rough again (so unattractive on a girl, huh?). Two of the songs have some potential in them, but they still need a LOT of work. As a side note, putting up the video of Voices has met with some pretty positive response. It's always good when people show positive interest in your music, especially when you're a struggling musician such as I *cue the violins*

Driving skills. Improved? Probably a teensy weensy bit. But i am getting the car this semester, so woot woot! Ok, so i can drive just inside the compounds of the campus (which, really, is a good idea, trust me), but mobility on campus is still a plus point, considering the two ELs i am taking the next semester, plus it makes going swimming much easier (to lose the weight, see above).

What have i accomplished?

Four seasons of Weeds, one season of Private Practice, one season of One Tree Hill, one season of The O.C, one season of Gilmore Girls, a few movies, a few episodes of The Tudors, a few episodes of Supernatural.

Sigh, holiday bliss...

Bits and Pieces

Due to the fact that i haven't updated my blog in awhile, and of course my random nature, this post will be a mish mash of everything.

__________________________________________

Story No. 1: The American Experience.

As much as i wish i could list down all the place we visited in DC and NY, it wouldn't be much of a list. Mostly because we spent our time in DC watching the breaking rounds, and shopping our butts off in NY.

We didn't break, but i guess ranking 61st in the world, and having 3 out of 4 mooters in the top 100 (well, top 80 technically) is a pretty ok achievement. We were just so close to breaking, only if we had strategized better. It hurt at first when judges who met after break night saying they were surprised we didn't break, but it is heartening nonetheless. The international rounds also were a good indicator that Malaysians, or Asians, whether in debates or moots, are too stingy with scores. The best oralist of the finals in 06 gave me a 96, whilst in the national rounds, the highest i could score was a 90.

The fact that i've seen this happen in debates too much is also disheartening. Maybe i don't deserve such high scores, but must it take outsiders to appreciate what we've got?

On a lighter note, NY was awesome! I wish i had more space in my luggage, more spending money, though the amount we had was more than enough for this former tomboy to buy shoes, clothes and.... makeup. Yes, finally, i bought my own makeup. I've been slowly learning how to put on my own makeup, which is sad that i'm only learning (to be a woman) at the age of 22.

In NY, i felt like i was literally walking around in a Gossip Girl episode. I even spotted the NY Palace from across the road. screamed a bit, and everyone just went nuts! LOL. There was also the NBC studios of 30 Rock, and of course the awesome UN experience. We were lucky enough to have delegates bringing us into places you can't go as part of the public tour, such as the security council and the delegates' lounge. It was heartening when my coach's friend, an Argentinian delegate, was encouraging about my hope of being a delegate myself. She responded to my coach's surprise ("Tharishni, i've always thought you were the litigator type"- meaning i'm the tough, no-nonsense, not exactly nice-and-diplomatic type) by saying that you need tough women in the GA, that a diplomatic disposition isn't necessarily the stereotype that should be followed in the GA.

A ton of friends made, and a new close friend, who'll be visiting from the States soon!

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Story No.2: Arau Open

Often the victim of unfair adjudicating, i guess i should get used to this. So let's move on to something new.

Arau Open was a very new experience for me for 2 reasons. The first is being left in charge of the whole contingent after Becks left. I suppose after being the irresponsible one on team UM all this time, it was definitely a new perspective. I tried to be the 'fun' leader, but i think that ended up with me letting a lot of things slide, and being disrespected as the person in charge. I guess being the 'fun' leader can't be an absolute.

Number two would be the people i met and befriended. I suppose that after my first semester debating, the people i hung out with from other universities were always the same. You do meet new people, but you tend to have that group or individuals that you just click with and tend to gravitate to. Perhaps its the comfort of the familiar, or the fact that i'm just a really shy person (which people tend to mistake for arrogance).

So many of them have left now, or at least are taking a break. I suppose my problem has also been the fact that i used to get along well with the debate seniors, until people seem to think that i've been around for a long time, when in truth, i've only been debating for less than 2 years. I still remembered Fareez's (another old friend who's not around anymore) reaction at Royals this year: "You, debating junior category? But you're a fossil". When i retorted about his age and the fact that this was really my 2nd Royals, he was surprised. It's been the same old story ever since i was DCA of IIU League. Most people didn't realise that i was just starting my 2nd year of debates at that time.

So at Arau, i made new friends, some juniors, but most are those who started debating the same time as i did, just that they never did realise about the little known fact of when i started. And it was fun. I miss the old peeps, and this being the first tournament without someone who has been somewhat a constant fixture in tournaments throughout my debating career, made me think about said person more than i have the past few months. Making me realise that i do miss the old times.

But it's time to move on, and to come into my own. I'm hoping i'm there already.
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Story No.3: Of writing, and music

I cannot tell you how happy i was when It started again. I was trying to sleep, and words came out and all i could do was get up and get them down. God, it's been far too long. The poetry wasn't in anyway quality stuff (refer to the previous post), but i'm just happy that i'm writing again.

Now, all i need is to start writing music again. I've been recording some random melodies, and am waiting for the guitar to be fixed. I've promised myself that i'll start recording proper, in a studio, come the new semester. And performing more too.

I've recently been offered a pseudo-job writing for an online maganize. It doesn't pay, but there are perks, and more importantly, it's recognition and a way for me to just keep writing. It's been awhile since i've been published. It'll be nice to see my name in print, and writing stuff that matters to more than me and a handful of stalkers.

Growth

Tell me that my songs
have never encroached upon
some semblance of sanity
reflected on an emblem of war
you've dclared against me

Tell me that my words
Once esteemed and pedestel bound
Have been uncrowned-
Found uncouth in your new scheme

Tell me that my deeds
Are now mud and soot upon your shoulders
Past any virtuos intent,
Over the bridges of common courtesy
Beyond the border of propriety.

Check your conscience at the door
Remove what may be mistaken for regret-
Then tell me the above truths
Proper guilt should follow- befitting
Only in your direction