Too many. Far too many.

Tonight.

You come home. Well, its more my home than your's. I wish you'd feel that home is where I am. But you don't. Is my home where you are? I don't know. I don't know if I have a home. I have a place I live in. Customs and habits I have been comforted with. But a home? I don't know. The rooms I occupy, from the bedroom that has been mine for over 10 years, to the office room I have occuppied for over a year now, seem to suffocate me. I have no windows and there is too much clutter. I feel the need to run out into the sun right now. But I know if i keep running I won't feel less lost than I am here.

Tomorrow, will be the first time since I've known you, that you will be home, but you're no longer mine. Mine to tease, hug, to call "my man". Mine to wrap my weekend plans, mine to text first thing when I get home, mine to facetime and watch Game of Thrones with.

Mine to kiss tenderly, a quick peck on the lips, just the way you took me by surprise at the airport before we parted ways. The last time I saw you.

The last few days play by like a movie trailer constantly in my head. Cuddled in with a Dr.Pepper tshirt. Hugging me and thanking me in the elevator when we left one of the most breathtaking skylines in the world. Making me promise that I will see you again once we left, before you took my waterproof pouch. Even that little fight in the plane where we made up immediately and again, you quickly kissed me on the lips, your way of telling me everything will be alright. Your way of showing me you have feelings.

If this ever got to you, would you scorn my emotional cycle? Or will you take me into your arms and never let me go?

Don't let me go. I know you don't want to. Why does reality have to encroach on our private agendas?

Why, hasn't it been too long?

Please dear, do not inundate me with your abandonment issues. I know what its like to have them, I still have them. And guess what- the universe won't let me live in peace without it.

So it is strange that at these emotion-ridden, abandonment times, I seek you out, dear virtual paper that holds my thoughts. Even years after *cue laughter*

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”
― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

But whats worse than letting go? Anticipating letting go.

To Moving On

My current state in that of inebriation, and you, of all people know what that's like.

You, of all people, know how I'M like when i'm inebriated.

And the only reason i think about you, was because you were the last one. The last one i had feelings for, and the last one that hurt me. Thats why.

You should know at some point, i loved you. A lot. So much i couldn't bear not bearing your shit. I'da rather been in pain than that be without you. But i knew i deserved better, and here I am.

All i want right now though, is to love someone again, like that. Without the repercussions i had with you. Because i am SO over you. But i can't seem to love another. Yet.

Scroll Day.

t’s the day before my convocation, and as fate would have it, I’m not swamped with work. I’m actually… free. But saying, or typing that out makes me feel like I’m jinxing it. Its times like these that I’m always afraid that the call to the chambering area is meant for me, and that a pile of almost impossible work is waiting for me.

In what should only be completely appropriate, a good think through of life right now is in order. Work, despite what has been written above, isn’t too bad. I tend to go into things headfirst, with the worst expectations as my helmet. And surprised I was. Everyone’s really nice. I may not have the most personable master, but he’s isn’t nasty, nor does he overwork me. At all. And occasionally it’s been totally fun. Last Friday night’s charity event saw me choreographing the girl’s part of the dance- something I’ve NEVER done before. And um, it was a kinda sultry little dance =p. AND WE WON! So fuck it. All that work and putting aside any form of embarrassed feelings was worth it.

The routine is alright. Time flies fast enough, the next thing I know it’s lunch time. Then its time to go home. Then its work again. I think that's probably what I hate the most. It kinda feels like a never ending cycle. And I’m not too sure I’m passionate about this. It’s… aiteee.. But I don’t know if aite is good enough for life. Having some money is nice enough though. And that’s probably the only reason why life doesn’t totally suck now.

So tomorrow. I guess when I embarked on the journey known as law school, I thought by the time I received my scroll, I’d have it all figured out. I’d be chambering and would either be so passionate about the law I’d see myself as a partner in 7 years. Or so disappointed with it I’d already have made plans post-chambering. My parents would be all proud on that day- though I’d never be naïve enough to think they wouldn’t be bickering about some small thing or another. And the man I’d end up marrying someday would be there too, waiting with a bouquet of flowers. So I’d have two massive bouquets, the scroll barely visible, huge smile and looking gorgeous. I’d have it all figured out. At 24.

The reality is I’m still feeling my way through. I’m completely uncertain about the path ahead of me. I am essentially single and feel nothing for anyone. In fact, I can’t remember what it’s like to feel that way anymore. And thats a little bit more than a little sad. I’ll be getting one massive bouquet in pale lilac and pink- yes, I told my dad what I wanted. I don’t have juniors enforced under some silly buddy system buying me gifts, and my brothers won’t be there. Specifically, my eldest brother, the one whom I’m closest to, because he’s in NZ right now. I’ll have some fab pictures, I hope, since my parents have made me hire a photographer. But I kinda have to wear a bloody saree, in order to fulfil parental cultural obligations. Gaaargh.

I’m in the running for the Anugerah Raja Datuk Sooria award, which is the best all-round law student, but I doubt I’ll win it. That’s what you get for ditching law school activities for debates, and ditching your studies for living.

I don’t regret anything. But sometimes. Sometimes you just wish that you were really the girl who had everything.

(Update as at 7.49p.m- Just got back from work. And yes, work did come in. Rolling in, knocking over each other leaving me harried. As usual. But the announcement that one of my closest friends is taking a day off from work for my convo just lit up my day!)

Unfazed.

I think i'm still supposed to be mad. Bleeding angry. Hulk-rage at the mention of your name.

But. I just feel nothing. Like nothing, nothing.

Which is strange. Because i've never been an ambivalent person.

I honestly just feel hollow. Maybe this has taken everything away from me. My emotions snatched swiftly from my grasp.

I guess i'm just like you now. At least that thought would make me feel something.

Sadness.

Memory. Oh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlvOxu4-NV8&feature=relmfu

Funny how after everything. When i heard this song. I felt exactly the way the song was meant to feel. About you.

Making Space.

Burning bridges is never easy. Because you only burn the bridges you cared about.

I've had to burn two this week. One, because really, what other option is there that isn't hypocritical? And the second, to protect him.

The former was hard enough. The second one is giving me much, much heartache. Yes, he did me wrong. But for what it's worth, he knows it, has apologized, and as i've told him- i put him in the spot to make those decisions. So the only way to do right, is for me to burn our bridges.

Some might think i'm one for drastic decisions. Perhaps. But thats just who i am. If i'm gonna feel and speak as passionately as i do, then my actions should reflect that, no? The last thing i want to be labelled as is a hypocrite.

This is a transition. And they're not meant to be easy.

Fortitude.