Fuck This Shit

No. Really. Fuck it.

I'm done.

I'm done trying to be a better person. No one really gives a fuck. Cause its not what anyone really wants anyways.

I'm done caring. I'm done being nice. I'm done trying to break the streotypical image people have of me.

Bitch? Sure.

Tease? Sure.

Selfish princess? Sure.

Arrogant? Sure.

All Encompasing

Why can't i be the girl that has everything?

Am i really as inadequate as i've always thought i was?

Round 2?

The last time i felt like this was 4 years ago.

The hunger was comfortable. The weakness normalcy.

But the difference is, the last time this happened, i was depressed. I had supressed all of it and i was downing an emotional cocktail. I'm not right now though. At least, i don't think so?

Yet. 4 years ago i was in denial about it. It scares me that maybe right now i am too.

10.10.10

I need to get over my abandonment issues.

And we need to find. Us.

How Much?

I've got too many questions.

But at this point, my biggest is: How Much Do I Matter?

Or, more pessimistically: Do I Matter.

It almost looks like the answer to 1. Not very much and 2. Somewhat.

Should i matter?

... and i can't believe i've stooped so low as to ask that last one. Great.

'Youth is wasted on the Young'

a.k.a ME

I've been on a short break from the yet-to-be-truly-hectic semester. At one point of my uni life i would've jumped for joy, and that i did. Last week.

I am bored as hell now.

I don't know if i miss uni life. Doesn't seem like that exactly. But i do know that sitting at home has broken down the very thin walls of my patience. And my sanity.

Its also made me question the very lazy nature that i've adopted the past few years. I use to dream big. I occasionally still do. But one trait remains the same: the lack of actual execution. I feel like i've wasted a huge chunk of my youth. I look back and think, 'where did it all go'?

I could pacify the inner demons by saying: Living Life. And that could morph itself to be truth, in time.

Yet time is still on my side, though barely enough. Which is why i've set the wheels in motion.

Two big dreams. Maybe a third. 8 months.

Wish me luck!

Decisions, decisions

The fact that I've been adjudicating/ DCA-ing for quite a bit has taken it's toll on me. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of fun doing this, but the backlash now is painfully apparent to me.

I'm scared to debate.

More specifically, i'm scared of competing.

My relationship with competition has been a bittersweet one. I like the rush and the adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment after a good speech, but i HATE the anxiety, the pressure, and the worst of all, i HATE losing. Scratch that. I hate losing when i feel like i DIDN'T lose. (sourgrape alert)

And i lose a lot.

Being a DCA is pressure free (ok, maybe not exactly...), you're in a position of power and of somewhat importance, and you get treated nicely (most days). Its nice. Really nice.

BUT... debating. I'm not half bad at it. If i work hard at this i could be three-quarters not bad (ok, lame joke). And i have to man up soon enough anyway.

Sigh. Decisions, decisions...