To Moving On

My current state in that of inebriation, and you, of all people know what that's like.

You, of all people, know how I'M like when i'm inebriated.

And the only reason i think about you, was because you were the last one. The last one i had feelings for, and the last one that hurt me. Thats why.

You should know at some point, i loved you. A lot. So much i couldn't bear not bearing your shit. I'da rather been in pain than that be without you. But i knew i deserved better, and here I am.

All i want right now though, is to love someone again, like that. Without the repercussions i had with you. Because i am SO over you. But i can't seem to love another. Yet.

Scroll Day.

t’s the day before my convocation, and as fate would have it, I’m not swamped with work. I’m actually… free. But saying, or typing that out makes me feel like I’m jinxing it. Its times like these that I’m always afraid that the call to the chambering area is meant for me, and that a pile of almost impossible work is waiting for me.

In what should only be completely appropriate, a good think through of life right now is in order. Work, despite what has been written above, isn’t too bad. I tend to go into things headfirst, with the worst expectations as my helmet. And surprised I was. Everyone’s really nice. I may not have the most personable master, but he’s isn’t nasty, nor does he overwork me. At all. And occasionally it’s been totally fun. Last Friday night’s charity event saw me choreographing the girl’s part of the dance- something I’ve NEVER done before. And um, it was a kinda sultry little dance =p. AND WE WON! So fuck it. All that work and putting aside any form of embarrassed feelings was worth it.

The routine is alright. Time flies fast enough, the next thing I know it’s lunch time. Then its time to go home. Then its work again. I think that's probably what I hate the most. It kinda feels like a never ending cycle. And I’m not too sure I’m passionate about this. It’s… aiteee.. But I don’t know if aite is good enough for life. Having some money is nice enough though. And that’s probably the only reason why life doesn’t totally suck now.

So tomorrow. I guess when I embarked on the journey known as law school, I thought by the time I received my scroll, I’d have it all figured out. I’d be chambering and would either be so passionate about the law I’d see myself as a partner in 7 years. Or so disappointed with it I’d already have made plans post-chambering. My parents would be all proud on that day- though I’d never be naïve enough to think they wouldn’t be bickering about some small thing or another. And the man I’d end up marrying someday would be there too, waiting with a bouquet of flowers. So I’d have two massive bouquets, the scroll barely visible, huge smile and looking gorgeous. I’d have it all figured out. At 24.

The reality is I’m still feeling my way through. I’m completely uncertain about the path ahead of me. I am essentially single and feel nothing for anyone. In fact, I can’t remember what it’s like to feel that way anymore. And thats a little bit more than a little sad. I’ll be getting one massive bouquet in pale lilac and pink- yes, I told my dad what I wanted. I don’t have juniors enforced under some silly buddy system buying me gifts, and my brothers won’t be there. Specifically, my eldest brother, the one whom I’m closest to, because he’s in NZ right now. I’ll have some fab pictures, I hope, since my parents have made me hire a photographer. But I kinda have to wear a bloody saree, in order to fulfil parental cultural obligations. Gaaargh.

I’m in the running for the Anugerah Raja Datuk Sooria award, which is the best all-round law student, but I doubt I’ll win it. That’s what you get for ditching law school activities for debates, and ditching your studies for living.

I don’t regret anything. But sometimes. Sometimes you just wish that you were really the girl who had everything.

(Update as at 7.49p.m- Just got back from work. And yes, work did come in. Rolling in, knocking over each other leaving me harried. As usual. But the announcement that one of my closest friends is taking a day off from work for my convo just lit up my day!)

Unfazed.

I think i'm still supposed to be mad. Bleeding angry. Hulk-rage at the mention of your name.

But. I just feel nothing. Like nothing, nothing.

Which is strange. Because i've never been an ambivalent person.

I honestly just feel hollow. Maybe this has taken everything away from me. My emotions snatched swiftly from my grasp.

I guess i'm just like you now. At least that thought would make me feel something.

Sadness.

Memory. Oh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlvOxu4-NV8&feature=relmfu

Funny how after everything. When i heard this song. I felt exactly the way the song was meant to feel. About you.

Making Space.

Burning bridges is never easy. Because you only burn the bridges you cared about.

I've had to burn two this week. One, because really, what other option is there that isn't hypocritical? And the second, to protect him.

The former was hard enough. The second one is giving me much, much heartache. Yes, he did me wrong. But for what it's worth, he knows it, has apologized, and as i've told him- i put him in the spot to make those decisions. So the only way to do right, is for me to burn our bridges.

Some might think i'm one for drastic decisions. Perhaps. But thats just who i am. If i'm gonna feel and speak as passionately as i do, then my actions should reflect that, no? The last thing i want to be labelled as is a hypocrite.

This is a transition. And they're not meant to be easy.

Fortitude.

Facing the Facts.

I hate you. I hate how you always, ALWAYS successfully manage to turn things around and make it about you. To turn it around and make everyone else the villain. Everyone but you of course. You have no faults. You are not the reason that people were genuinely upset with you. You have never committed any of the wrongs you magnify. Doesn’t it ever occur to you that there is a damn good reason why people get upset?

Nope. Of course not.

You’re always right.

And the weak. The weak are the ones who follow you. Who enforce that shrine you’ve built for yourself. The rest of us, we were weak too. I suppose in some ways we were always weak. Never immune to your charms. The strong ones, the ones who resisted and refused to take more crap. They were the ones you vilified. I suppose we never fell into that category. Because we weren’t strong enough. To say it to your face. Some of us have given you so much. Almost everything you asked for, we gave. And gave. In return we used to feel good to be in your good graces.

That used to be enough.

Yet everyone has their limits. I reached mine. Catapulted by a disastrous event I am not proud of, I decided to severe our ties. If you only knew why. The reason which you would never believe, given the circumstances. It’s not like you wanted to listen to it. And boy, how you ripped me into shreds. But you spun your own version, and subsequently doing what you’ve just accused me of publicly. Oh wait. How could I be so sure it was me? You left it vague. Impersonal.

And yet again, we hide behind our monitors.

I thought that perhaps letting go was best. You’d be surprised at the things I know. Yes, I know about the lies. Yes, I know about the venom you spread to others. If my mistake was confiding about my feelings to those I mistakenly trusted, then so be it. At least I am not culpable of spreading lies to those that know no better.

But hey. We all make mistakes. Especially when we’ve just been hurt.

So as time passed, I decided to move on. Let you back in to my life. Enjoyed your companionship. Because time doesn’t heal all wounds. It merely makes you forget how much it hurt.

As per usual. I do this. And I end up getting hurt, again. Sure, you feel betrayed. You think I don’t? Oh wait. No one else matters but you and your feelings. Good luck with that.

As for me, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m done trying to justify your actions. I’m done thinking the best of you, even after everything. And I’m certainly done with this faux toxic relationship.

Perhaps, it’s best if you think about things a little longer, and think about why we felt the way we did. Why there seems to be a pattern to how people surrounding you behave. Like you used to say, X amount of people can’t ALL be wrong together?

22.08.2011

I've denied it all this time.

But fine.

I am a damsel in distress.

So hurry up now. Come save me.