Making Space.

Burning bridges is never easy. Because you only burn the bridges you cared about.

I've had to burn two this week. One, because really, what other option is there that isn't hypocritical? And the second, to protect him.

The former was hard enough. The second one is giving me much, much heartache. Yes, he did me wrong. But for what it's worth, he knows it, has apologized, and as i've told him- i put him in the spot to make those decisions. So the only way to do right, is for me to burn our bridges.

Some might think i'm one for drastic decisions. Perhaps. But thats just who i am. If i'm gonna feel and speak as passionately as i do, then my actions should reflect that, no? The last thing i want to be labelled as is a hypocrite.

This is a transition. And they're not meant to be easy.

Fortitude.

Facing the Facts.

I hate you. I hate how you always, ALWAYS successfully manage to turn things around and make it about you. To turn it around and make everyone else the villain. Everyone but you of course. You have no faults. You are not the reason that people were genuinely upset with you. You have never committed any of the wrongs you magnify. Doesn’t it ever occur to you that there is a damn good reason why people get upset?

Nope. Of course not.

You’re always right.

And the weak. The weak are the ones who follow you. Who enforce that shrine you’ve built for yourself. The rest of us, we were weak too. I suppose in some ways we were always weak. Never immune to your charms. The strong ones, the ones who resisted and refused to take more crap. They were the ones you vilified. I suppose we never fell into that category. Because we weren’t strong enough. To say it to your face. Some of us have given you so much. Almost everything you asked for, we gave. And gave. In return we used to feel good to be in your good graces.

That used to be enough.

Yet everyone has their limits. I reached mine. Catapulted by a disastrous event I am not proud of, I decided to severe our ties. If you only knew why. The reason which you would never believe, given the circumstances. It’s not like you wanted to listen to it. And boy, how you ripped me into shreds. But you spun your own version, and subsequently doing what you’ve just accused me of publicly. Oh wait. How could I be so sure it was me? You left it vague. Impersonal.

And yet again, we hide behind our monitors.

I thought that perhaps letting go was best. You’d be surprised at the things I know. Yes, I know about the lies. Yes, I know about the venom you spread to others. If my mistake was confiding about my feelings to those I mistakenly trusted, then so be it. At least I am not culpable of spreading lies to those that know no better.

But hey. We all make mistakes. Especially when we’ve just been hurt.

So as time passed, I decided to move on. Let you back in to my life. Enjoyed your companionship. Because time doesn’t heal all wounds. It merely makes you forget how much it hurt.

As per usual. I do this. And I end up getting hurt, again. Sure, you feel betrayed. You think I don’t? Oh wait. No one else matters but you and your feelings. Good luck with that.

As for me, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m done trying to justify your actions. I’m done thinking the best of you, even after everything. And I’m certainly done with this faux toxic relationship.

Perhaps, it’s best if you think about things a little longer, and think about why we felt the way we did. Why there seems to be a pattern to how people surrounding you behave. Like you used to say, X amount of people can’t ALL be wrong together?

22.08.2011

I've denied it all this time.

But fine.

I am a damsel in distress.

So hurry up now. Come save me.

Best. Compliment. Ever.

A rather senior, well respected Singaporean debater said this to me yesterday:

'U have a natural talent at persuasion. Very rare. Wen u speak ppl listen their not looking at ur chest anymore. Tats very very rare in hot speakers.'

Double compliments. Made my week.

Stack 'em up.

The transition hasn't been easy. But it wasn't as hard as i thought it'd be.

Maybe because i had things to do with my time. Maybe because i have amazing friends. Maybe it was the much needed cathartic overnight session that had more than me letting it out. Maybe because the girls that i initially were skeptical of (and i'm sure they were skeptical of me too), turned out to be the blessings in disguise that i needed- seeing me through their eyes was what i needed. Ego boost perhaps, the adoration. But a much needed one.

I won't lie. I think about how it used to be. And i begrudge how somethings now have become a hurdle. But it's for the best i think. At some point, it would've hurt too much, and letting go later would just make things worse. For me. Which was why i acted selfishly. For once, in this cycle, i wanted to think of my future, earnestly this time.

It doesn't hurt anymore now. And knowing that gives me the kind of power over my life that i haven't had in awhile. Its made me lighter.

On a different note, i won the Cheeseman Essay Competition. On my first try, funnily enough. And it was at a time when i probably needed the win for three reasons:

1. Way too many losses- Australs, Wira... the list is pretty long.

2. The contemplation of writing again, seriously this time.
3. The cash. Muahahahahaa!

I really want to use the money to join Omes and James in Bangkok to bum around- i've been offered to come over and stay with these jolly men. Oh, and maybe teach English. The thing is, i've got about a week before i start work, so i'm in a real dilemma. Not to mention parental disapproval possibly looming ahead.

Oh well. No Bangkok means more money for shoes? Muahahahhaha!

P/S- I'm kidding. I have too many. Oh wait, i do need an extra pair for work... ;)

Keep Talking In Circles.

"Where do we go from here?"

I've never believed in ignoring things and sweeping them under the carpet. And this is a lot of shit we're trying to hide under the carpet. Even if the storm has settled. Even if the pressure cooker is now turned off.

There's still a huge mess.

The question is do we want to go back to what we were? Or superficial acquiantances like we are right now? The former requires us to sort through all the shit thats happened. The latter, well nothing.

Only time.

Priorities

They say the first step of curing yourself is to acknowledge the problem.

So i'm depressed. The signs point to mild clinical depression.

I'm trying to psych myself up for Australs. I fly off tomorrow after all. But i realized that the reason i don't want to debate, don't want to lead the team, don't even want to go to Korea, is because of the fact that my entire self-worth was crushed by one person. In less than 30minutes, he took away whatever self-worth i had. And i hear he isn't done.

I can't control what others want to think, and say about me. I can't control another's wrath.

But i can try to control the self-loathing i have of myself right now. It took a baby to take me out of the gloom. Thank you Zara Iman, for your mirth, joy, and pure innocence. Your unqualified affection snapped me out of it. I only wish that you would carry this miraculous ability to heal others throughout your life.

Tate told us at the workshop that him and Logan, his teammate, brought their father's briefcases with them to their rounds at the Australs where they made finals. It was to give themselves the sense of belonging, and to remind themselves that despite the high stakes, despite the sea of people who would look down on them, they mattered. There were people who thought the world of them, and the rest of the world has to now believe in them too.

So i'm going to make a list. A list of people who helped me through the worst week of my life, and a list of people who genuinely want to see me achieve things, and just to be happy. It might not be the longest list of people. But they're more than enough for me.

I'm going to carry that list with me to Korea. To remind me that at least for some people, i matter.