Courage? Epic. Fail.

So i did what i've been trying to avoid doing for more than a week now. Talk. And ask.

Well, i tried at least. Not my fault we didn't end up talking. I think?

Bah. I'll just go back to writing my songs.

Take My Hand.

Lead me. Tell me what to do now.

Its not just about my pride. Its about whats good for me. Its about making the right decisions.

I'm living my life right now in whatever way feels good. Morally hedonistic. Everything short, of course, of the one thing that i should do.

Talk.

Be real.

What happened to removing my running shoes? They came back on too fast. I'm trying to my level best, to toe the line and to find a balance, but its becoming so much harder. Which is ironic because its getting easier to live without you. And maybe thats what's scaring me.

Losing you.

Losing how i feel about you.

But everytime i want to pick up the phone, i remember that this isn't about me anymore. It shouldn't be me fighting to keep this. The only way this will work is if you want to fight for me.
And why should you? For the same reason i told you last year: Because I'm A Good Thing.

And dammit, i should be treated that way. And that's the only thing that has changed in the last month and a half. That i realise i deserve to be treated better.

But it hasn't changed that you're the only one i want to treat me that way.

2011.

Why do you have to be so damn handsome?

This is not cool. Its already hard as it is. Then you just had to look like that. Its weird enough that i had to resist the natural impulse to go and sit next you. Hold your hand. Have your arm around me. Natural impulses that took a bit to fight. And not having a goodnight hug. Whoa.

Why do you have to be so damn good looking????

2010.

Short recap of an eventful year.


1. Academic life- Got my grades up to a decent level, finally. Parents claim its because i gave up mooting. And slowed down on debating. Me thinks it was just the fact that i'm starting to understand how to answer exam questions.


2. Debates- After much, much heartbreak, i started making more finals, and finally making a clean sweep at Royals. Started coaching high school debates, which brought me closer to what my future role should be: developing debates. Did 4 different stints as a DCA, which was a lot of fun and hard work. I came into my own last year, truly.


3. Finances improved, but always fluctuated due to my reckless nature with money. But i now own quite a few pair of heels... and really, what else do you need in life? =D

4. I did a spot of travelling too! Bali for a vacation, and Africa for debates and a vacation. All this even with a passport fiasco! LOL. Internal travelling was also done, which was fun fun!



5. I have loved and lost. I learnt patience, understanding, pain, forgiveness and well, love. That perhaps it doesn't come in that movie package we all seem to think it should. But i've also realised that maybe i deserve those movie moments, if only they be fleeting. But most of all i deserve to be loved.

New Year's Resolution?

To live.

And to learn.

Oh, hello?

So after three disappointing Royals, here it is. Yusuf. The BIG prize.

And not just the championship trophy, i was Best Speaker Finals AND Overall. Holy Crap.

The run-up to this, which was 3 debate competitions back-to-back was painful and dissapointing. Especially the Semis loss at OIC. Being 9th Best Speaker in Asia is cool and all, but making finals would've been cooler.

But hey, you win some. You lose some.

And this win, this was worth it. Funnily enough, as happy as i am, i'm not ecstatic. Karth commented on how relaxed i was about the win. Its funny how i don't feel the same way i did when we won Jessup. Now that was pure euphoria.

But i guess as awesome as it was to win the trophy, it barely made up for losing my heart. I suppose it really is true. Success is nothing without sharing it with the one you loved.

The silver lining: Africa. Yes, i'll be in the continent for about 16 days. Debates, then vacation. And thats how, and where, i will heal.

I will heal.

________________________________________

"This time baby, i know i'll be bulletproof"

Deal.

It seems like you've stopped caring. It sucks.

Yes, thats technically what you can do now, what you're supposed to do, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Everytime i think of it, there's a dull thud in my heart.

Just because i said i'm moving on. Doesn't mean i care any less.

Like Velcro.

I hate HATE when cheesy lines echo my thoughts.

But here goes.

I'm letting you go. I've been struggling with this decision, and i probably will for a long time. But you haven't said anything, and by the non-enthusiasm of our conversations lately, this is the right thing to do.

But more than anything, i'm doing this because this is right for you. Because more than me, you need to find yourself and figure yourself out. I wasn't able to make you feel and thats my fault, inadvertently so. And its not right to tie you to me and keep you feeling hollow.

I'm letting you go because i love you. This is probably the hardest thing i've ever done, but i guess love is about sacrifices. My best hope is someday. Someday you'll find yourself and find your way back to me. But i've always been a pessimist, a ridiculous defence mechanism i've adopted along the years. So i'm not gonna even think about that possibility.

So i'm always gonna hate these lines. Mostly because they're true.

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never your's to begin with. If it comes back to you, it is your's forever.