21.11.10

Keeping it all in? Not such a good idea.

I'm a little more than a little embarassed at the outpour of emotions i just had. But i guess thats what happens when your just spread too thin, and try to do everything, and be everything, all at once.

The fact that i might have lost something i worked so hard on for years, the fact that i had a lecturer threatening to fail me, the fact that my dad is pissed at me and isn't doing so well, the fact that i've probably pissed off my friends with my flakiness due to debates, the fact that i'm losing the man i probably love at the time when i'm realising that i probably actually love him....

It was just way too much.

I tried, to be the Superwoman everything thinks i am. And because you told me that you like me when i'm strong. Funny how the memory of you saying that makes me weak.

God give me strength. Heck, just give me a break.

I'd like to think i deserve it.

15.12.10

What if i made a mistake?

What if we both did?

What if i don't care whether this is the right thing for my long-term benefit?

This feels too wrong to be right. And i'm too sad to be ok with this.

How is this right if this is so hard on both of us?

4 days later.

Someone just HAD to put this up as their status la. Hello wrong timing?

"Love is not about finding someone to live with. It's about finding someone you can't live without"

Damn.

The Flipside.

If there was nothing, then why does it hurt like this?

"How you gonna know the feeling, till you lost it?
I've been losing plenty since"

-Always Be, Jimmy Eat World.

And this is where it gets hard. Right now. Today. God give me strength.

... because i haven't been given much. And even that little has been taken away.

"We'll run away from tomorrow, with our lips locked"

I suppose when you don't see the point of getting hurt, you forget how hurt feels like.

And thats when you don't know you're hurting someone else.

Or care much that you're hurting someone else.

If you knew, would you care? Would you stop?

If you saw me crying, would you stop?

Would you take me into your arms and tell me its alright?

Or would you tell me to stop being an emotional child, to pick myself up and be rational?

Swell.

I'm sitting here, reading one of those cliche notes on FB. My cynicism quickly wears off and with every line i think of you. I imagine you doing those things and if you have, i think of the memory of that incident.

And my heart swells. It doesn't help that the FB picture memory sidebar has pictures of you. Cruel jokes, if you only knew.

I wish my heart didn't feel this way. I wish i didn't recognize the surge of emotions that gush through when i find myself precariously balanced on what society deems a weak moment: giving in to emotions.

I'm neither sad. Or happy.

I'm just alive.

____________________________________________________

The FB note:

When she walks away from you mad [ Follow her ] When she stare's at your mouth [ Kiss her ] When she pushes you or hit's you [ Grab her and dont let go ] When she start's cussing at you [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] When she's quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ] When she ignore's you [ Give her your attention ] When she pull's away [ Pull her back ] When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ] When you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ] When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ] When she's scared [ Protect her ] When she lay's her head on your shoulder [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ] When she steal's your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night] When she tease's you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ] When she doesnt answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ] When she look's at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ] When she say's that she like's you [ she really does more than you could understand ] When she grab's at your hands [ Hold her's and play with her fingers ] When she bump's into you [ bump into her back and make her laugh ] When she tell's you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ] When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ] When she misses you [ she's hurting inside ] When you break her heart [ the pain never really goes away ] When she says its over [ she still wants you to be hers ] When she repost this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ] - Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything. - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go - When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her - Call her before you sleep and after you wake up - Treat her like she's all that matters to you. - Tease her and let her tease you back. - Stay up all night with her when she's sick. - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid. - Give her the world. - Let her wear your clothes. - When she's bored and sad, hang out with her. - Let her know she's important. - Kiss her in the pouring rain. - When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"