10.10.10

I need to get over my abandonment issues.

And we need to find. Us.

How Much?

I've got too many questions.

But at this point, my biggest is: How Much Do I Matter?

Or, more pessimistically: Do I Matter.

It almost looks like the answer to 1. Not very much and 2. Somewhat.

Should i matter?

... and i can't believe i've stooped so low as to ask that last one. Great.

'Youth is wasted on the Young'

a.k.a ME

I've been on a short break from the yet-to-be-truly-hectic semester. At one point of my uni life i would've jumped for joy, and that i did. Last week.

I am bored as hell now.

I don't know if i miss uni life. Doesn't seem like that exactly. But i do know that sitting at home has broken down the very thin walls of my patience. And my sanity.

Its also made me question the very lazy nature that i've adopted the past few years. I use to dream big. I occasionally still do. But one trait remains the same: the lack of actual execution. I feel like i've wasted a huge chunk of my youth. I look back and think, 'where did it all go'?

I could pacify the inner demons by saying: Living Life. And that could morph itself to be truth, in time.

Yet time is still on my side, though barely enough. Which is why i've set the wheels in motion.

Two big dreams. Maybe a third. 8 months.

Wish me luck!

Decisions, decisions

The fact that I've been adjudicating/ DCA-ing for quite a bit has taken it's toll on me. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of fun doing this, but the backlash now is painfully apparent to me.

I'm scared to debate.

More specifically, i'm scared of competing.

My relationship with competition has been a bittersweet one. I like the rush and the adrenaline and the sense of accomplishment after a good speech, but i HATE the anxiety, the pressure, and the worst of all, i HATE losing. Scratch that. I hate losing when i feel like i DIDN'T lose. (sourgrape alert)

And i lose a lot.

Being a DCA is pressure free (ok, maybe not exactly...), you're in a position of power and of somewhat importance, and you get treated nicely (most days). Its nice. Really nice.

BUT... debating. I'm not half bad at it. If i work hard at this i could be three-quarters not bad (ok, lame joke). And i have to man up soon enough anyway.

Sigh. Decisions, decisions...

A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Maybe this is some sugar rush. I don't think i've had enough though.

Cuz my heart just feels like its bursting right now. Like i have all this adrenaline in me and all i wanna do is run.

Super-effin'-weird.

I miss you. Dammit.

Full Moon.

I sayang you la.

I sayang you lots lots.

If you don't know by now then you are stupiak.

But maybe i am stupiak for being too scared to tell you.

And now i'm speaking like Dima. *dush dush*

=D

Dear Maisarah,

This is in response to last night's little chat we had. Oddly enough, i spent the night thinking about what you told me, and what i really wanted to say in response. I suppose the time between paying our bill at the mamak wasn't long enough, and i didn't get to say what i really wanted. So here goes.

Yes, i understand how it came as a shock to you reading this blog that the person you've identified with for a year now has a very emotional and melancholic side to her. You told me you've always thought of me as a confident and self-assured person, that the person rambling away in this blog could not possibly be me.

Well, yes and no Mai.

I don't think either side of me is the 'real' me. Both sides exist and neither dominates the other. As unlikely as this sounds, especially considering the narcissistic ramblings in this blog, i do know who i am.

Yes, i am insecure. My self image is one of imperfection. But i also know that i am an awesome person, and my insecurities do not scare me. I am comfortable with co-existing with my insecurities because they help me balance out the good parts of me. I think if i thought i was totally awesome and indestructible, i'd never strive to be more, to work at myself, because i'm lazy like that =p.

Yes, i am emotional. As rational and mature as the world may think i am, i make a lot of my decisions by listening to my heart and not my head. It's lead me to paths that have proven to be wrought with more pain than i should want to experience, but i regret none of these decisions. Because regret only happens when you shut the heart out. Remember, that unlike the rational voice of your head, the heart only knows to scream, and the heart remembers longer what the head will rationally forget to self-protect. People say you can protect your heart. I think that's balls. You can try, but you won't succeed. So rationally, and here's the irony, the best choice is to just go with the heart and see where you go. As cliche as this sounds, its about the journey, not the destination. Yes, scars line the heart at the end of the destination, but the human heart is stronger than that.

Yes, i am melancholic. I think melancholy doesn't necessarily equate to sadness. I think every person has a melancholic side, its just that they don't indulge this side of theirs. I suppose melancholy has always been something i've tapped into, ever since the days of my teenage angst. Some people say it's a 'musician thing'. That 'musicians aren't normal'. Perhaps its true. Perhaps we access a part of the human soul that most people would rather forget. And that's why you put a sad song on only when you're sad. Its different for me. I can access that part of me without trying much. And i think it co-exists harmoniously with that constantly joking side of me you see on a day-to-day basis Mai. It keeps me sane. It keeps me balanced. I feel like if i lose the melancholic side, i lose me.

Yes, i am afraid. Not because i can't recognise that i am an awesome person. I know that i have more than enough going for me. So yes, i do have a healthy amount of love for myself. But my fear, arguably my biggest fear, is that the awesomeness in me goes unrecognised. I do no want to be loved despite who i am. I want to be loved because of who i am. I fear that who i am is easily misrepresented and lost. I fear that my big heart gets trampled upon because people take advantage of it. I am smart enough to weed these people out on most days, but it doesn't take away the fact that sometimes, i am just naive and too trusting. I am patient with the ones i care about, and i forgive quickly too. Its because i know i can be stupid and rash, and i'd rather give the benefit of the doubt to the other party, because i know i can be a handful at times too.

I hope this rather long post clears things up Mai. I suppose this isn't just a letter to you, but to myself too. I think i've forgotten that yes, i know who i am. As contradictory as the various aspects of me can be, i am not confused. And for that, i shall carry my head on my shoulders with pride.