Swell.

I'm sitting here, reading one of those cliche notes on FB. My cynicism quickly wears off and with every line i think of you. I imagine you doing those things and if you have, i think of the memory of that incident.

And my heart swells. It doesn't help that the FB picture memory sidebar has pictures of you. Cruel jokes, if you only knew.

I wish my heart didn't feel this way. I wish i didn't recognize the surge of emotions that gush through when i find myself precariously balanced on what society deems a weak moment: giving in to emotions.

I'm neither sad. Or happy.

I'm just alive.

____________________________________________________

The FB note:

When she walks away from you mad [ Follow her ] When she stare's at your mouth [ Kiss her ] When she pushes you or hit's you [ Grab her and dont let go ] When she start's cussing at you [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ] When she's quiet [ Ask her whats wrong ] When she ignore's you [ Give her your attention ] When she pull's away [ Pull her back ] When you see her at her worst [ Tell her she's beautiful ] When you see her start crying [Just hold her and dont say a word ] When you see her walking [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ] When she's scared [ Protect her ] When she lay's her head on your shoulder [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ] When she steal's your favorite hat [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night] When she tease's you [ Tease her back and make her laugh ] When she doesnt answer for a long time [ reassure her that everything is okay ] When she look's at you with doubt [ Back yourself up ] When she say's that she like's you [ she really does more than you could understand ] When she grab's at your hands [ Hold her's and play with her fingers ] When she bump's into you [ bump into her back and make her laugh ] When she tell's you a secret [ keep it safe and untold ] When she looks at you in your eyes [ dont look away until she does ] When she misses you [ she's hurting inside ] When you break her heart [ the pain never really goes away ] When she says its over [ she still wants you to be hers ] When she repost this bulletin [ she wants you to read it ] - Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything. - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go - When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her - Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her - Call her before you sleep and after you wake up - Treat her like she's all that matters to you. - Tease her and let her tease you back. - Stay up all night with her when she's sick. - Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid. - Give her the world. - Let her wear your clothes. - When she's bored and sad, hang out with her. - Let her know she's important. - Kiss her in the pouring rain. - When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

Fuck This Shit

No. Really. Fuck it.

I'm done.

I'm done trying to be a better person. No one really gives a fuck. Cause its not what anyone really wants anyways.

I'm done caring. I'm done being nice. I'm done trying to break the streotypical image people have of me.

Bitch? Sure.

Tease? Sure.

Selfish princess? Sure.

Arrogant? Sure.

All Encompasing

Why can't i be the girl that has everything?

Am i really as inadequate as i've always thought i was?

Round 2?

The last time i felt like this was 4 years ago.

The hunger was comfortable. The weakness normalcy.

But the difference is, the last time this happened, i was depressed. I had supressed all of it and i was downing an emotional cocktail. I'm not right now though. At least, i don't think so?

Yet. 4 years ago i was in denial about it. It scares me that maybe right now i am too.

10.10.10

I need to get over my abandonment issues.

And we need to find. Us.

How Much?

I've got too many questions.

But at this point, my biggest is: How Much Do I Matter?

Or, more pessimistically: Do I Matter.

It almost looks like the answer to 1. Not very much and 2. Somewhat.

Should i matter?

... and i can't believe i've stooped so low as to ask that last one. Great.

'Youth is wasted on the Young'

a.k.a ME

I've been on a short break from the yet-to-be-truly-hectic semester. At one point of my uni life i would've jumped for joy, and that i did. Last week.

I am bored as hell now.

I don't know if i miss uni life. Doesn't seem like that exactly. But i do know that sitting at home has broken down the very thin walls of my patience. And my sanity.

Its also made me question the very lazy nature that i've adopted the past few years. I use to dream big. I occasionally still do. But one trait remains the same: the lack of actual execution. I feel like i've wasted a huge chunk of my youth. I look back and think, 'where did it all go'?

I could pacify the inner demons by saying: Living Life. And that could morph itself to be truth, in time.

Yet time is still on my side, though barely enough. Which is why i've set the wheels in motion.

Two big dreams. Maybe a third. 8 months.

Wish me luck!