A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Maybe this is some sugar rush. I don't think i've had enough though.

Cuz my heart just feels like its bursting right now. Like i have all this adrenaline in me and all i wanna do is run.

Super-effin'-weird.

I miss you. Dammit.

Full Moon.

I sayang you la.

I sayang you lots lots.

If you don't know by now then you are stupiak.

But maybe i am stupiak for being too scared to tell you.

And now i'm speaking like Dima. *dush dush*

=D

Dear Maisarah,

This is in response to last night's little chat we had. Oddly enough, i spent the night thinking about what you told me, and what i really wanted to say in response. I suppose the time between paying our bill at the mamak wasn't long enough, and i didn't get to say what i really wanted. So here goes.

Yes, i understand how it came as a shock to you reading this blog that the person you've identified with for a year now has a very emotional and melancholic side to her. You told me you've always thought of me as a confident and self-assured person, that the person rambling away in this blog could not possibly be me.

Well, yes and no Mai.

I don't think either side of me is the 'real' me. Both sides exist and neither dominates the other. As unlikely as this sounds, especially considering the narcissistic ramblings in this blog, i do know who i am.

Yes, i am insecure. My self image is one of imperfection. But i also know that i am an awesome person, and my insecurities do not scare me. I am comfortable with co-existing with my insecurities because they help me balance out the good parts of me. I think if i thought i was totally awesome and indestructible, i'd never strive to be more, to work at myself, because i'm lazy like that =p.

Yes, i am emotional. As rational and mature as the world may think i am, i make a lot of my decisions by listening to my heart and not my head. It's lead me to paths that have proven to be wrought with more pain than i should want to experience, but i regret none of these decisions. Because regret only happens when you shut the heart out. Remember, that unlike the rational voice of your head, the heart only knows to scream, and the heart remembers longer what the head will rationally forget to self-protect. People say you can protect your heart. I think that's balls. You can try, but you won't succeed. So rationally, and here's the irony, the best choice is to just go with the heart and see where you go. As cliche as this sounds, its about the journey, not the destination. Yes, scars line the heart at the end of the destination, but the human heart is stronger than that.

Yes, i am melancholic. I think melancholy doesn't necessarily equate to sadness. I think every person has a melancholic side, its just that they don't indulge this side of theirs. I suppose melancholy has always been something i've tapped into, ever since the days of my teenage angst. Some people say it's a 'musician thing'. That 'musicians aren't normal'. Perhaps its true. Perhaps we access a part of the human soul that most people would rather forget. And that's why you put a sad song on only when you're sad. Its different for me. I can access that part of me without trying much. And i think it co-exists harmoniously with that constantly joking side of me you see on a day-to-day basis Mai. It keeps me sane. It keeps me balanced. I feel like if i lose the melancholic side, i lose me.

Yes, i am afraid. Not because i can't recognise that i am an awesome person. I know that i have more than enough going for me. So yes, i do have a healthy amount of love for myself. But my fear, arguably my biggest fear, is that the awesomeness in me goes unrecognised. I do no want to be loved despite who i am. I want to be loved because of who i am. I fear that who i am is easily misrepresented and lost. I fear that my big heart gets trampled upon because people take advantage of it. I am smart enough to weed these people out on most days, but it doesn't take away the fact that sometimes, i am just naive and too trusting. I am patient with the ones i care about, and i forgive quickly too. Its because i know i can be stupid and rash, and i'd rather give the benefit of the doubt to the other party, because i know i can be a handful at times too.

I hope this rather long post clears things up Mai. I suppose this isn't just a letter to you, but to myself too. I think i've forgotten that yes, i know who i am. As contradictory as the various aspects of me can be, i am not confused. And for that, i shall carry my head on my shoulders with pride.

The Other Shoe

I am scared. Insecure. Paranoid, though maybe my fears might turn out to be justified. Lord knows it's happened more than once.

So maybe that's why i am what i am. And why right now, i feel the way i do.

Funny how it almost seems unfamiliar now. Wasn't too long ago that this cliche played itself out.

I'm clutching my heart. Hard. And i won't let go until you tell me that there is no other shoe to drop.

Clashes

I'm not sure why everyone, including the subject matter, seems to think i have things sussed out. Well surprise surprise, I DON'T.

I don't know what i want. So yeah, the head isn't sussed out.

And the heart. I've never known what to do with that. Seriously. Emotions were always something i thought i could control, or at the very least ignore. So i'm used to suppressing them to the point where i can't recognise them. And don't blame me for doing that. I've only got me to watch my heart. And you haven't given me a good reason to let go properly. Even partially.

The biggest question i have now is: am i settling?

If you're listening

And you say, there's nothing wrong with being proud.

The Best People

Are the ones who know what to say to you. At the best time possible. With the most sincere intention.

A carrot was dangled, and i'm now reversing the whole debate retirement, and going in for one last shot in my final year. Without Hugh, my constant teammate, matter-feeder and debate best bud.

And that scares the crap outta me.

Which is why debating at the mock debate was almost a scary notion. I'm just glad it turned out ok.

But what Fareez said after the debate when i asked for personal feedback, is what i REALLY needed to hear.

Fareez

its not because you are nerdy

its because you have got nothing to prove

you dont have to prove to the kids that you are good

you dont have to convince me that you are good

you dont have to prove that you are a great debater

we already know

i told you this a long time ago

why did i tell you this but not anyone else?

i already knew that you had the right attitude

and the brains

to become great

trophys dont matter to me

i dont care that you won this or that tourney

i care whether you have the right attitude and that you really want to debate because you want to have fun..not to prove anything

I guess i need to loosen up. I've always got it in my head that i need to impress. Everyone. But maybe, just maybe, i'm good, without trying hard and being well, kiasu about it.

Fareez is also an awesome human being for making me feel like an awesome person.

11:02Fareez

hahaa

tharish

i hang out with you not because you are a great debater

i talk to you and ask you to join me for makan because i honestly value you as a person.

it does not matter how many trophies you won

it does not matter how many trophies you won

11:04

11:04Fareez

even if you havent won a single one, that you never won a debate in your life even

my respect for your intellect would not be dimished

diminished

you dont need to prove anything to anyone

least of all some bunch of random schoolkids

11:06